Thursday, June 26, 2014

JERUSALEM TOUR: Malkah Area

Stadium, Mall & Zoo

Teddy Stadium- Named after Teddy Kollek, one of Jerusalem’s mayors. That is a bad pun- Teddy Stadium and Teddy Kollek. Even Teddy Kollek High School, in Pisgat Ze’ev, is not called the Teddy Kollek school, but rather the Pisgat Ze’ev School. It is just a bad pun and not very funny.
Located here, because the homes that he forced people out of in Mamila did not make for a big enough space for a stadium, even if they got rid of the street.
If you look in the stadium, you will find many years of sunflower seed shells. This shrine of sunflower seeds is also known as the largest site at Mini Israel, behind CocaCola, who funded it. Teddy is host to many football matches and even concerts by frum Jews who have been put in Chairim/excommunication, such as Shweky. You will notice no seats, behind the goal post, as it is pointless to sit there, when Beitar Jerusalem has not scored a goal in months.
Beitar football games. Football is also known as soccer in countries that don’t know how to play it. This is the perfect place to eat sunflower seeds. The greatest part of the football match is that you don’t have to throw out your trash. You are allowed to just drop it. If you are really lucky, you might be able to witness fireworks, shot at you, by the opposing team. You might even be able to witness many felons running free and shouting in one enclosed area.
There will be a crazy guy. Enjoy him. He is not harmful. He is a fan and he is shooting fireworks.
Now with the new highway and sports complex running through Teddy Stadium, the Malkah Mall area is a great destination to take pictures of Israeli traffic.

Malkah Mall- Named the Malkah Mall, because it is in the Malkah neighborhood, and that is a reason for a name. They were thinking of calling it the Baka mall, but Baka is somewhere else.
Tour guides generally use the Malkah mall to show tourists how Jerusalemites shop. Jerusalemites shop by purchasing stuff. This is generally seen when the tour guide says, ‘We are now in the mall, I will see you in two hours…’
You can also find an ancient Ark, from Manatova, Italy, housed in the mall. The ark is made of a gold leaf finish, and is the center of a small synagogue, right next to the tights and bikini shop. The most beautiful ark. It is not for sale. Nonetheless, many Jerusalemites migrate to this synagogue to pray for good deals. As the religious belief goes: The intention of bargaining is more important than the bargaining itself.
There was a movie theater. However now there is an H&M, as you cannot steal H&M off the internet.
The theater was created in 1993. Adding to its unfortunate demise was the concept of the ‘Hafsaka’- break, in which they would take a break from the movie, and keep it rolling as they stopped showing it, for a few minutes in the middle of the scene. They were going to stop with the Hafsakas at Israeli movies, but they realized that without the Hafsaka, the smell of smoke would not make into the theaters. The Hafsaka was created, as the Israeli bladder has shrunk over the years. You will also notice the many people peeing on the sides of the roads, and the lack of public toilets.
You will notice the lady standing right there, smoking, under the no-smoking sign.
You have two hours to do what you want. I am getting paid.

As you went through the mall, I hope you noticed the unique Jerusalem configuration of stores and a food court.
What makes it unique? Good question. What makes it unique is that the building is made out of limestone.

The Biblical Zoo (Tisch Family Biblical Zoo)- Known as the Biblical Zoo because of all the Biblical animals it houses, such as penguins.
The zoo is a great educational for the children. You can teach them how animals live when they are locked up. You can show them the penguins in a desert. Sharks on dry land. In a forest. And you can also show them kangaroos, in their natural habitat of Israel. And another only Jerusalem experience of a giraffe in a second story window.
Somehow there was a house that got there. Point is that you can learn a lot. I did not know this before I went to the zoo, but when lions are in a cage, they sleep. To give the illusion that the lion is alive, for the children, there is a speaker where you can hear somebody say, 'Roar.' I have brought up the educational value with the zoo faculty, and we do hope that they will have Israelis manning the lion exhibit soon. At which point we hope they make it a more native experience, as they change it from 'roar' to 'arrrr.'
Many parents do lose their children at the Biblical Zoo, as there are taractic birds. An announcement you might hear every few minutes, 'We have a parentless kid here. She is crying...No name, just crying. If we can ask her parents to please leave the taractic bird exhibit...We understand it is quite interesting...Taractic birds watch over their offspring, until they are old enough to go out on their own.'
I have heard people say, 'She ran away.' However, a two year old does not run away from home or parents. There are many irresponsible parents in the Malkah area.
A great place for dates, the Biblical Zoo is also an awkward place to run into your friends who got married and taking their children who are too young to date, to the same spot.
The sign says 'Tisch,' as that is to note that it is a non-profit organization. I guess the Tisch family bought the zoo too. The Tisch family is doing very well. 

Friday, June 20, 2014

JERUSALEM TOUR: New Railway Station Area

Should Still Be Called Gilo

New Railway Station- You can now extend your Tel Aviv bus ride from 45 minutes to 2 hours and 45 minutes, on the train. This not efficient railroad has been built in place of the old railroad which also did not work. Keeping with tradition, there are now two pointless railways in Jerusalem. 
One has now turned into a walking path to keep away charedim (ultra-orthodox), which you can witness when you enter the Baka neighborhood. Made to be a pedestrian walk, people are able to find their way to their destination much quicker than when the train was running, and without running into religious people.
The reason the train was built is that many religious people had to catch a minyan on the way to work. Being that the country could not find a single non-motorized destination for 10 men to pray together, the religious factions of Jerusalem agreed to the building of this train, even though its final destination is Tel Aviv. The agreement for the building of the train went through, as soon as it was decided that the old train station, or anywhere Barkat visits, would not be the destination.
We all love a good view, for a very long time. And for that reason, a three hour trip to Tel Aviv is beautiful. Nonetheless, the second time you use it, you start thinking that views can be caught quicker.

You can see foliage by the side of the station, in what is known as the Jerusalem Forest. The Jewish National Fund might have used your money over here to plant the shrubs, which make up the forest. And you dare to say the the Jewish National Fund does not use its money for planting trees?
Be sure to put on sunscreen when entering into the Jerusalem forest.
A full acre by acre of the bonsai looking trees is found surrounding Jerusalem. This makes up the forest which connects Gilo to Har Nof and the Jerusalem drug ring.

You can see, over here, the Sorek River, or Sorek River Monument. There was water there at some point.
The Sorek river is mentioned in the Prophets and is where Delilah lived.
Sorek comes from the word 'Rek' which means empty and defines how much water is found here.
The translation of Sorek to 'fruitless tree' can be traced to Delilah; meaning that Samson's relationship with Delilah was fruitless, as with most women. But I do not know how Wikipedia took all of that from the Midrash on Torah (homily).
In Judges 16:2, we see the story: 'And Samson went to Gaza...he loved a woman in the brook/valley of Sorek, whose name was Delilah. And the lords of the Philistines came up to her, and said to her: 'Entice him, and see wherein his great strength lies... that we may bind him to afflict him...' The whole Gaza story. Always trying to afflict the Jews coming out of Gaza.
Sorek also could mean a special vine, but nobody cares about the grapes that grow there, and nothing beats a good Samson and Delilah story.
You can see the bank of a river right to the side of the train station. There is no water. Keep on looking, you will see something that looks like a little mountain and cliff with a slope. That is a river bank. If there was water, that might be the bank of a river. You might be able to see some water if somebody presses the button on that fountain over there.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

JERUSALEM TOUR: The South Side

It is all Gilo

Lets continue back on Derech Chevron. We are stuck now, in what is known as a left turning lane, on the right side of the road. We will find a way to make this left turn, even if it means getting hit by a cab.

We are now looking at Har Choma (not pronounced Har Homa either- the ‘ch’ is supposed to help you figure out how to pronounce a ‘Chet’- even that makes no sense. It is the chaching sound you have, right before you are going to spit up. That is why I am using a ‘ch.’ It is a Hebrew thing and I will never be able to explain this on paper. Think about it not as ‘chat’ or the song lyrics ‘cha cha cha, but think back of the throat phlegm).
Har Choma is another Jerusalem neighborhood not in Jerusalem. It was built up a good fifteen years ago, and is another neighborhood where Jews are blamed for living in Israel. The Har Choma neighborhood proudly joins the Jerusalem municipality as they like to pay hi building taxes (arnona) too. 
Officially known as Homat Shmuel, the hill is also known as Jabal Abu Ghneim, which is Arabic for 'we do not want you here.' Its namesake is Shmuel Meir, a Jerusalem mayor who helped build up the hill (which is ironic- Meir and mayor- I can go on all day with how funny that is). You can also find a lot of culture here, such falafel shops with טעם של פעם (the taste of yesteryear), and parents yelling at children. 
It is near other ancient stuff. Elisha hid by here, because there are mountains and nobody liked going out into the desert. 
There is also Greek monastery somewhere in the area. You will see that when you see a building. You might even see some synagogues, so keep your eyes open. 
Har Choma was supposed to be built up in the 1980s. However, that was opposed by environmental groups who were protecting the natural resources of the desert. As Har Choma has an ancient church by it, protesters made sure the country knows how important mortar is to the natural landscape.

Gilo- We are now in Gilo. 
Built in 1967, there are around eight of them. Any two buildings, built next to each other, on the south side of Jerusalem is called Gilo. It is surprising that Har Choma is not called Gilo. However, they decided not to call Har Choma Gilo, as three names was enough.
If you cannot afford a home in Jerusalem, Gilo is for you.
Gilo is a suburban neighborhood, of buildings. Built with bumps on the streets, Gilo has been designed to remind you that you should get new shocks and tires. The bumps also let you know that there might be people, somewhere. Children have a tendency to run into streets, and parents have a tendency to not care about their kids. The bumps let you know to speed up after the bump and to not to hit the children at a bump. Outside of the schools, there are also children holding stop signs, to remind you that you should stop at crosswalks and follow traffic laws.
Gilo is also famous for its summer camps for children, known as a ‘Kaytana,’ or day camp, because these poor people cannot afford to get rid of their children for the whole summer. The goal of every American parent, to not have to see their children ever, has not been mastered for the young Israeli child. However, amazing high school and post high school techniques have been developed, as can be seen with Israeli boarding schools and the army. Even with these Israeli techniques of ridding yourself of bothersomeness, the children still come home for the weekends. 
Not much they can do about this, as Israel is a small country. We in Israel, have a dream too, that one day we- like American families- will also be able to show the necessary lack of care for our offspring, which makes for an enjoyable vacation. We have been catching up with America when it comes to lack of care and visitation for grandparents. Now the goal is to not have to see the next generation.
Archaeological digs have discovered ancient stuff. Even dating back as far as the First Temple, there were people in Israel.
Why are those people not standing at the bus stop? Very good question. Here is the Tremp Yada to the Gush Etzion area. Tremping meaning hitchhiking spot. It is considered much safer as the word used is Tremp. The reason they are not standing by the bus stop is because, if they took a bus, then they would have to pay. 
Let us move to the next Gilo mountain. You will notice a wall with a mural showing what life would be like if Beit Jala was not right across the way.
Gilo abosorbed 15% of the Soviet Jews who moved to Jerusalem, making them a place that has the same percentage of Soviet Jews as the rest of Jerusalem.
We are now going to take a lunch break in Gilo Park, the forest over here, so that your children can get lost. The park was built, as the Jewish National Fund decided not to use the money for the trees that were purchased by the kindergartners in America. A great way to get rid of your children for a while, the residents of Gilo owe a great debt of gratitude to the JNF. As the town representatives have exclaimed, 'Thank you for siphoning the funds, JNF.'

Here, you will notice. I hope you all saw that. 

Beit Safafa- An Arab village in Jerusalem, meaning 'House of the Narrow Benches,' because the Jerusalem municipality does not care how uncomfortable people are when they are waiting for buses. 
People live here. An Arab village right smack in the middle of Jerusalem, it is considered a neighborhood in Jerusalem. Calling it an Arab village helps bring down the housing tax. 
You can buy Jerusalem Stone here. If anybody would like to purchase some Jerusalem Stone, to show your friends overseas how limestone looks, you can pick it up right now. Yes it is heavy. Try to put it in your carry-on luggage.
To note its uniqueness, Beit Safafa is an ancient village, located in Israel.
In 1863, an explorer, explored it. This tourist said it had 30 houses. Unless you are on a boat and risking your life, you are a tourist. I would like to say, 'A person walking around, on vacation in 1863, saw some people.' I noticed that there was a whole city when I visited Copenhagen and I put in a journal that there were people on bicycles. Nonetheless, I do not claim to be an explorer. 
Cars get washed here. You can see how this is a distinctively not Jewish area, as there is a lot of manual labor being done right now. 

Look to your left, you will notice an animal.
You missed it.

Now let us move back into the Jerusalem that people care about.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

JERUSALEM TOUR: Heading Down to Talpiot

Armon Hanetziv- And we are heading back to Derech Chevron. We are not running this trip well. We were just on that street. The Tayelet was nice. We all got good food at that wedding we weren't invited to. Better than paying for pretzels at the ice cream cart.
Looking out straight ahead of you is the Armon Hanetziv neighborhood, also known as East Talpiot for those people who do not have money. We are now looking at what is known as an undeveloped piece of land. This means nobody has built anything on it. This means it is barren.
Beyond the piece of land are buildings and people who could not afford to live in the Rechavia and Talbiyah neighborhoods. These are also known as the people that are not wealthy enough to enter the Old City through the Jaffa Gate. They must enter through the Zion Gate and walk up a path which dirties their shoes, and thus shows that they are from the poorer areas. Even though they own homes due to their leaving they made in America and the schools they are working at in Israel, along with their friends from Baka, they are still not native Israelis. As such, there is nothing to see here.
It is considered an illegal settlement neighborhood because Jews live here. The Arab neighborhoods surrounding it however, do use Armon Hanetziv for medical services and water and electric, when they are no protesting Armon Hanetziv's existence.

We are back on Derech Chevron. Look, a gas station. We are now at Kikar Bankim, known as the 'Corner of Banks' because there are no banks. You can continue up to your left, if you have a wedding to get to and you want to get lost on side streets that are all a dead end. Kibbutz Ramat Rachel was founded in 1926, with the goal of building a wedding hall in a tent. Now it boasts a wedding hall with a roof that nobody can find until they get lost.
Continuing with the theme of Sheekoon living, we are now going to move towards Talpiot. The real Talpiot. The Sheekoon being the poor area ghetto homes that run two million shekel for 60 square meters.

Talpiot- We are now moving into one of Israel's biggest industrial zones. As such, you will find digital phone shops.
Founded in 1922, to be a garden community, in all of Talpiot you will not find one blade of grass.
You can go to eat here. You can get Shipudim/skewers or Shipudim/skewers. Skewers are an Israeli invention. They are a stick that you use to put meat on, which you can then use for a weapon. The story goes that somebody opened up a skewers place and it was successful. So the guy next to him, opened up a skewers place and it was successful. Noticing that two skewer places are successful, another businessmen noticed that skewers is a good thing to open up in Talpiot. Now, there are 20 skewers places in Talpiot and they are not successful. However, in the tradition of Talpiot, they still sell skewers.
The story goes that there was one falafel place in Jerusalem. And then somebody saw that it was successful and he opened up a falafel place. And then another guy thought falafel is a good idea; it seems to sell. Then they started opening up falafel stands all around the Middle East. The point is that falafel, skewers, chumus and pizza, are all Israeli inventions.
The same story happened with the guys that sell the tiny darbukas in the Old City Shuk. One guy saw that nobody was buying them. And then he said, 'Nobody is buying them, I am going to sell tiny hand-drums that nobody can play too.' And the story goes on from there. And then they saw old copper and said, 'That is something my grandmother owned. I should sell that too.'

The main garage center of Jerusalem is also located in Talpiot, as people do not live there, and this way they can drive their cars there to get them fixed, when they break down. In connection with one of its Jewish founding fathers, the Palestine Land Development Company, you will find many Palestinians working at the garages.

And now, you can see another mall. We are going to let you do some more shopping. As your guide, I feel it is important to take you into the mall. This mall was built a good twenty years ago and to this day it stands as a mall. OK.

Friday, June 6, 2014

JERUSALEM TOUR: Places You Missed on Derech Chevron

Abu Tor- This is a mixed Jewish and Arab neighborhood. You can tell, as there are barricades around the homes. 
Locally known for water contamination, around Jerusalem we all had to use bottled water for two days and we still remember. That is why we try not to mix too many neighborhoods.
Historically, Saladin’s army took Jerusalem from crusaders, and then there was contaminated water in 2013. Being the hero he was, Saladin did not share the spoils with other people. He put this guy Sheikh Achmed who had something to do with a bull, in charge of the area, hence the name Abu Tor and the Arab name Achmed. Abu Tor is also known as the 'Hill of Evil Counsel' by the Arab Chrisitains, because the priest taking confession never really listened.

The Old Railway Station, to your right, was built in 1892 and has not worked since. Known for taking up good land that could be used for housing, it is now used for useful forms of transportation, by foot.
At one point it did work for a few months, back in the early 1900's, but then the union went on strike. Many of the older Israeli population still remember those weeks with the train and the one trip it made to Tel Aviv, successfully. The citizens of Jerusalem protested once they realized that the train ride was shaving a good 45 minutes off the trek to Tel Aviv.
The brainchild of Jerusalem's mayor, the Old Railway Station has recently been renovated to keep out Charedim. Programs keeping the religious people out include exercise, restaurants, shopping and Friday night services, as services is not what religious people do. Religious people do not pray together, they daven together. There is also a mall and everything looks modern and is thus forbidden.
The railway station was never fully finished, as there is a house that was apparently not for sale. You can see the house across from Liberty Bell Park, built in protest of advancement of society. In their commitment to the past, you can see these reactionaries hang their laundry outside, in protest, right next to their satelite dish.

The Khan Theater is the theater located over there. We are moving.

You will notice a gym. A basketball soccer field, as that is a sport that is played in Israel. Hence, the soccer goals under the basketball hoops. The games usually begin with one team wearing hi-tops and the other team wearing cleats, and then punches are thrown.
You will notice a supermarket. That is also part of the Jerusalem living experience.

The Tayelet. Oh look, we are at the Tayelet.
The Tayelet is also known as Jerusalem's promenade, as there is no beach. 1,300 meters long, you can walk. Known as the main look out of Jerusalem the Tayelet is the closest thing Jerusalem has to a beach. Sometimes you might even see somebody running on the Taylet, in shorts.
If you look out, from the outlook, you can see Jeusalem. I should have probably taken you here first, and then we could have finished the tour.
If you are not looking at the Tayelet itself, you can see the Kotel, Domb of the Rock and everything that is not the Tayelet. If you look to your left, you can see my house. You should see my porch. I let my clothes dry out there. I have a nice view of the Knesset. Tomorrow, I will take you on a tour of my home and the Israeli Home Entertainment System.
Behind you, you can see affordable living. That is also known as Armon HaNatziv, and people who could not afford to live in Rechavia.

The Tayelet is a great place to go at night and get attacked.
If you are hungry, there is an ice cream truck which has not moved since it found it's rightful spot in Jerusalem, 20 years ago, as they found out that tourists spend more. You can have the full tourist experience by spending 13nis on a 6nis ice cream bar.
I will let you all do your shopping right here. The other truck, is not as good and sells stuff for cheaper. I know the guy who runs this truck and do not worry, he is very honest and he will give me the necessary kickbacks. I do not want to make you feel awkward, that is just my job. You can shop anywhere. However, if you want to have the real Middle Eastern experience, you should pay more.
There is a very nice wedding hall, right down there- in the middle of the promenade, and a guy running though it with his shirt off. You can all enjoy the wedding hall and the hors d'oeuvres of the private event taking place in the middle of our walk. As long as you do not ask, the food is free. Not being a guest makes the experience of eating at the smorgasbord a greater pleasure, as you do not need to purchase a gift for the bride and groom.