JOBS: I am Not a Rabbi & Definitely Not a Doctor

My credentials were weak. I don't even feel like my rabbinical career was a real one. I worked on a campus. I was a Hillel rabbi. I was part of the second tier of rabbis. I was working with college students. They did not trust me with regular people. They figured, 'students drink a lot of alcohol, they won’t notice the difference.'
I didn’t work with the regular Jewish life cycle events. I did not have the opportunity to initiate a young man into adulthood. However, I did initiate some young men into their fraternities, and introduced them to binge drinking. That is a step in the direction of being a man and puking. I make changes to those souls and lives. I performed the handing over of the Shabbat Kiddush Mug ceremony. All new brothers could perform the Shabbat Kiddush and then use that same cup to go around to all the parties and drink underage. That was the most meaningful life cycle change I was able to be part of.
It was meaningful. I must say, bringing religious meaning to the life of young adults is beautiful.

I would have thought to have worked as a rabbi, social worker, or doctor in Israel. I am not a doctor, and that has nothing to do with it. I will tell you that if I was a doctor, I wouldn’t correct people for calling me by my name. I am not a pretentious ‘I worked for that title’ never had a girlfriend in high school degree person. I didn't have a girlfriend in high school, and that has nothing to do with it. I got a masters degree, and none of our curriculum addressed the topic of how to be conceited and bald. We did not get educated on how to be jerks to everybody we meet.
In Israel, you do not hear people correcting you for not calling them a doctor, because in Israel, the doctor does not make the money which makes it worthwhile to be called a doctor.
Twenty three shekel an hour does not make it worthwhile to work in your profession. Want to make money in Israel, as an immigrant, be a waiter. Then people will call you doctor, and it will be like a cool nickname. Maybe they'll even call you 'Doc' and you can have a personality and the same job as your kid. Better yet, do not graduate high school. Then you won't feel stupid for not dating anybody or having a life in high school, and you will not feel the insecure need to be called a doctor, when you are a teacher.
Your education was a mistake, accept it. Be a renaissance man and let those customers know, ‘I am waiter. That is waiter. I dropped out of school for that. Check out my certificate…worker of the month.’ That is something to be proud of.
That is why we do not call other people by titles in Israel. Being a doctor would make me a fryer. Spending an extra five years in school to make as much as a waiter...calling yourself anything other than a waiter would make you a fryer. Say what you want, it is the meaning behind the job which is why somebody would do it in Israel. But do not mistake, in Israel, you do not pay much for university. In America you have to be called a doctor, because you are spending 20 years paying somebody named Sallie back for that certificate hanging on that wall, making you whatever you are. ‘Call me a doctor! Damn it!’ Add in a little soft curse after you force me to say doctor, and then I might respect you.
And stop talking about wine.

Lessons:
Be a waiter. Tips is what you need. If you cannot be a waiter, be a tour guide. The real money is in the stuff you do not report.

JOBS: Rabbi In America- Club Owner in Israel

Acting as a rabbi was very meaningful. I was a community figure. People looked up to me. They even called me rabbi. They needed somebody to blame for their lack of moral fortitude and forced three hours of Hebrew day school every week during their childhood. I had to pretend like I was an upstanding citizen and carer of people. I had to pretend that this world could make sense, and I was going to help you find that meaning. I had to pretend that I knew something.
They respected me and even talked about me when I did anything they did. I was important.
I hadn’t found any meaning myself. But a rabbi, like a good parent, lies. We have to make you feel like it is all going to be good. We do that, and people feel great. We bring joy to peoples’ non-pathetic lives and give them meaning. And they hold onto that meaning, until they lose their job, get a bad grade in school, or meet somebody they are attracted to.
I could have used the Torah to bring meaning to peoples' lives. But that would be the easy way out and quite overdone by all rabbis. Hack, if I may say. Everybody already has one of those rabbis.

As a rabbi in Israel, I couldn’t bring that same joy. They watch the news, they know what is going on, and they learn Torah. I don't have that meaning of external dependence anymore. Now, I have to try to bring that meaning to myself, from inside. I have to look at my own life, and lie to myself. It is a lot harder. As a rabbi, all that holy energy channels somehow. You have a position which forces meaning into your life. You are an important person, who represents your tradition and brings Torah to peoples’ lives, and it is beautiful. So, I got away from that profession.
I took up comedy because I couldn’t be honest enough, as a rabbi. I wanted to tell people to get a grip and to stop complaining. I wanted to tell them that they should blame themselves. I wanted to tell them that Gd might forgive you, but you still have to pay James the money you owe him. But no spiritual being wants to hear that. Debt is the reason Frank became religious.

Smicha/rabbinic ordination, was a real process. It helped shape who I am. As with all education and everything I have learned, I forgot it. I am not making any money off it. I made Aliyah and I work in comedy.
I have a masters in social work and rabbinic ordination. This book, with grammatical mistakes, cost my parents 150,000 dollars. My dad is not happy about it either. He also does not find it funny.

What I learned from being a rabbi and social worker? I do not like dealing with people's complaints, unless there is money involved. That is the difference between a rabbi and a priest. A rabbi won’t take confession, for anything less than $50. We know how much Jewish people like to complain. Coupled with free, that is a hard job.
As I learned, people like to complain about everything. And rabbis do have offices. I had a couple sitting in front of me. It was a boyfriend and girlfriend. I was working with college students, not people with anything meaningful going on in their lives. I did have to deal with this guy complaining about the movie they saw last night. ‘She doesn’t like going to horror flicks and I wanted to go…Wha Wha Wha…’ I said it and my rabbinical career was over. ‘Shut up, you whiny little…at least you have a girlfriend...I am going to movies by myself.’
Once they heard I go to movies and do stuff that they do, they lost all respect for me. Word got out that the rabbi likes movies and women, and it was over. No Christians wanted to come to my programs, and there was no attendance at the Hillel events anymore.
Rabbis can have girlfriends and even get married. That is another difference between a rabbi and a priest. A priest can’t have a girlfriend. A rabbi can have a girlfriend, he just can’t touch her. This is why it is always better to confess to a priest. As they do not have a woman in their life, there is no chance that everybody in the community will hear about your problems and iniquities.
I would not confess to an imam right now. I do not know much about the Muslim community's traditions regarding confession, but after what I have seen with Iran, Iraq and Syria, I want to know first. Oh. I said it. Bring on the angry-I-am-offended mail.

From What I learned about myself, whatever I do, there has to be meaning to it. There has to be a purpose. For that reason, it is important to make a lot of money. Making money gives purpose to everything. If there is enough money involved, you can do really negative stuff to the world, like start wars.
In my comedy, there has to have a purpose to it. At least to me, it is important to be self righteous. At least now I complain and make money from it. And people have to listen to me, and they cannot talk. That is the beauty of being a comedian, it is a win-win. I get the benefit of being the rabbi and the congregant.
 
Lessons:
-Get a job as a social-mental service provider and/or spiritual adviser. Life is much better when you focus on other people's problems.
-If you have complaints, go to clergy. Social workers charge.
-Being a rabbi is a meaningful career choice. Even learning Torah and studying the Jewish laws is meaningful. Although I do not work as a rabbi today, I still get that same feeling when I see the Hebrew letters of the Torah, that I do not understand it.

JOBS: Rewarding Work

Are jobs as rewarding in Israel? No. That is the answer. And that is if you can find a job in the non-profit world. Which means your paycheck will be coming in from America.
Life is more rewarding. There is something to that. It is about perspective. If you view Israel as a large non-profit, you care constantly donating money. If you become broke, you can donate money to yourself. You are part of the non-profit. Asking family for money should come with no shame. You are raising money for your organization. It is all about perspective. You get ripped off by a scandalous store owner, that is fine. You are not the fryer. You are supporting Israel and fraud.
In the worst of circumstances, you can find beauty in this world. They call it 'unemployed' in America. That sounds negative. In Israel, it is called social security collection time. It is your chance for a 'paid vacation,' thanks to Bituach Leumi.' It is the only time in your life that you will see money from Bituach Leumi, the social security people.
I have a purpose here. The purpose on a simple level is that I am part of the development of the Jewish Home Land, The Holy Land, The Dream. I might be messing it up for others, but I am sharing in the future of messing it up for the Jewish people. My justification for my existence, is that I am in Israel. Work is secondary. Making a living and supporting a family is secondary. Making my parents feel as though they did not waste money on a full life of private school is secondary. I have not given up on the other parts of life, but I now have my justification. Family I may not have, but I do have justification. I moved to Israel and my job does not pay well. I haven’t brought family to the Jewish people yet. But I am in Israel and I am trying to find a way to pay less taxes.
I did not say that I want to support the government. But it is meaningful. It is not rewarding labor. It is real labor. I now run a bar. A non-profit bar, where Jews can come and not tip.
Work-wise, I have found my place and continue to do so. And it is rewarding to share in the nightlife of the Holy City, where we shall one day hopefully not have to see the children of Beit Shemesh. They are annoying. And maybe parents should not let their children travel at 3am.

I was a rabbi in America. There I could be a rabbi. When I made Aliyah, Israelis figured me out real quick. The goatee did not pass for a beard. The lack of Hebrew abilities…they knew right away. In the US, you can get away without knowing stuff, because other people in the US don’t know stuff. You read transliteration in the middle of your speech and they know you are serious. However, in Israel, when you are deciphering deep issues of Jewish law with a picture book, they catch on. I want to put a little thank you out there to that Shabbat laws picture book, I would have never passed the rabbinic ordination test without you.

Lesson:
-Justify your lack of professional work. It makes for a happier Aliyah. You can finally put your doctorate in physics to work and be a plumber, or a builder.
-It is about perspective. You are building in the Jewish homeland. That is charity work, and that is meaningful. Just tell your parents you are a doctor.
-Make your Jewish American parents happy. Bring some naches and open up a bar with $300,000 they spent on your education.
-It is hard to find rabbi jobs in Israel. Apparently everybody hear learns Torah. Use your smicha, rabbinic ordination, for something positive. I run a kosher bar, an I am the mashgiach. That saves money for the non-profit.

Introduction # 2: Take Offense

OK. You know something. Take offense. At this point, I can care less.

Trying to pretend like you feel bad. Finally somebody cares about something enough to talk honestly about it. You still don’t understand that people move to Israel because it’s colorful. You don’t move to Israel because it is easy. It isn’t perfect. Nonetheless, I, the Anglo, am trying to make it more like an ancient Germanic tribal culture. It may not make much sense, but it is honest. We are called Anglos once we move to Israel.
If you are angry at me for my love of Israel and angry about this book, then please protest. That is called advertisement.
I am not claiming to be brilliant, but this book will probably help more people in their Aliyah, helping people decide to make that move. The move to a country trying improve itself, constantly making it worse. The truth is raw. But that is what most people, who want life, connect with. The world is not a non-profit organization, and this generation doesn’t donate as much as the last generation of Jews did.

Every racist has said he was speaking the truth. That is not the point I am making. I am not a racist. Every racist has said he is not a racist. I am also not a male-chauvinist. Every male-chauvinist uses ‘he’ to refer to both male and female. That is not the point, and I will continue to use ‘he’ to mean female too, even if I am not talking about Anglos. The point is that that there are not enough mini-golf courses. And I have no idea what to do on a Saturday. The point is that I now have to go to sleep early on a Saturday night. And there is no Sunday either. The point is that there are a lot of different Jews in Israel, and we all come together. We all know it is messed up. And it is that struggle that we all love. And there is nowhere to struggle and live, more than in Israel. We love the color of it. The life.
I want honesty. I want truth. I want Torah. I want Israel.
If you cannot handle ‘the truth,’ then you cannot handle Aliyah.

Every annoying person I have ever met has taken ‘offense.’ Annoying people with nothing to say love saying, ‘I take offense to that.’ It is as if the discomfort they cause is their rebuttal. As if the fact that they never shared an experience, or interacted with people who are connected with it, gives them the right to take offense.
Somebody says ‘offensive’ and they all gasp. Got to jump on the offense train, or you are also the offender.
Argue with a ‘that is offensive’ and you also have no soul. Who wants to be that guy at the group Shabbat meal? You can get ostracized for not sharing in an offense. A murderer, a felon of hate, a daemon with a non-racist opinion. No idea what the offense is to, but you must join in.
It is the same annoying people who sit at your Shabbat table and ask everybody to share a really ‘happy’ story that happened this week. You keep on doing that, and you might find one happy parson, who is pissing off everybody else at the table. I am offended by the length of this guy’s happy story.
You forget about the happiness found in the truth. The deeper happiness found in making the right decisions with every action you are blessed to do in your life. That is the happiness found in Israel. It isn’t easy. But we find real happiness, when we take our neighbors garbage and dump it on their doormat. That is called Tikun Olam (fixing the world). That is called making the world a better place. If I am not dumping garbage, what am I doing to make Israel better? Just taking offense.
We move to Israel, to be a light amongst the nations, from where the light emanates. It sounds better with biblical words, such as ‘emanates.’ Hence, to use another word which sounds real good, we look to better Israel. We move here to teach Israelis to not stand in the middle of a sidewalk, as to let people pass. We teach them to say ‘Excuse me.’ We educate them on new items, like deodorant, and how there is no reason to have an ozone if we cannot breath.
The point is that you only care to change what you love. And as an Anglo Jew who must live in Israel, I love complaining. For all of its faults, America has just as many things that need changing.
It is this blatant disregard for facts and feelings which are connected with the word ‘offensive’ that has so many Americans yelling out ‘Israel is wrong,’ with no idea. It feels good to be pro-hatred and anti-Israel. You can join me on this journey in my way of thinking. I too am offended by all of this.

Lesson:
-Don’t make Aliyah because it is easy. Make Aliyah because it is painful and hard.
-‘Lfum Tzara Agra’- According to your pain, is your reward. That is where you find the true happiness of Aliyah.
-Buy this book because it is not edited right.
-Truth is spoken by good teachers and racists.
-People who take offense are annoying. They kill every decent conversation. They have nothing to add to the conversation, but they love taking offense. That is their statement they learned while watching all the debate shows. You say ‘offense’ and now nobody can argue with you.
‘I am speaking the truth.’ That is how I won this argument. My response to the offense taker on Shabbat was, ‘You are annoying.’ As I was applauded, I won. I hope he took offense to that.
-Male-chauvinists refer to the general woman as ‘he.’
-People make Aliyah because they are connecting with something. And that thing is not a floatie, touchy feely fakeness. It is a touchy feely real.
-David thinks he is great because he made Aliyah.
-David does not bother people to make Aliyah, like every other Oleh who feels the need to constantly bother every tourist, about not living in Israel. He doesn’t like killing people’s vacation.
-David knows Aliyah is the right decision. He is offended.

***Show to be offended by- Thursday night, at 8:30pm, at Off The Wall Comedy Basement, (Hebrew show tonight at 9:45pm)

JOBS: Jews Are Mechanics

Mechanic is another good profession. We are in Israel and Jews that move from America have to do physical  labor here. Shameful. Embarrassing. I know.
The whole labor idea kind of killed my perception of a Jew. A whole life of owning garages, and now Jews were working in them too. In my first week at ulpan, I already realized that higher education was pointless. Even third grade was pointless. Addition and subtraction was enough. In ulpan they made sure I had down the third grade level, then they said, 'Go. That is enough for you to make it here, in your new homeland.'
I learned on the streets, as any manual laborer must. I became a person of the world. I even learned how to use a stick shift. I felt like I had become contaminated. I felt like such a low life.

A close friend of mine moved to Israel and is now working as a mechanic. He understands that when you move to Israel, the Jewish stereotype changes. We are not the weak Jew who has been oppressed our whole life and is now extremely rich. We are the Oleh who is the weak Jew, who is being oppressed by our fellow Middle Eastern employees, and is now extremely poor. But that is what those first few years are about; learning the way of the land. You have to shed that stereotype of the weak American and be that person that is not the fryer.
You must learn to do the frying. In business, there is a winner and a loser. That is the Middle Eastern way of life. There is no win-win. That is only in sports like Matkot. In the US, there is always a win-lose in sports; hence, in business, there must be a win-win. It starts on the basic level. Which cubical do you have? Do not lose the fight, or you will be the fryer. Never mentioned in conversation as it is happening, you will notice when all the dine pt. pens are taken, and you are stuck with the medium points. Do not do what you believe to be a favor, you fryer. Never hold the door for anybody. That would make you the weak, the fryer.
Americans know how to screw people over on a global level. However, that doesn't help when you end up getting cut in line and now have to eat semi-warm falafel. We did not grow up doing petty frying (verb for word fryer- see The Aliyah Dictionary for explanation. The reflexive verb would be Hitfrafreiti- where you screw over yourself), unless we had fruit and traded that for chips at snack time. Americans do not do frying, they use lawyers to screw people over. You don't hold the door, that is fine. You are not the fryer for doing me a favor, but I will find a way to sue you for offending me. You might have won the game, but I have your home.
In America, there is no room for petty frying games. It is all cut too right. You do not have to wait in line to see a doctor. But you will die with your healthcare, because you are over 70.

I know the physical labor concept sounds a bit harsh. Nefesh BNefesh and the Jewish Agency have been trying to hide it for years. They have not hooked up anybody with a job as business owner, and they will not admit to that. They did not mention labor when they said that there are jobs in Israel, and that is wrong. However, there are ways of getting around the physical labor.
You don’t necessarily have to do the labor. You can be the head mechanic that never touches a car and justifies to the people how it took 2 hours of labor to change a tire. Letting them know how hard it was, while taking 250nis an hour, for a 2 hour job that took 15 minutes is an art and a skill on which the mechanic profession is built upon. You are not the fryer. When you are able to look  into somebody's eyes and say, 'That tire was heavy, that is an extra 200nis,' you have won the game.
You will advance that much quicker in Aliyah process and acclimating to the Middle East way of life, as you learn how to rip off people that trust you. Reminds me of a beautiful song, ‘That’s What Friends Are For.’

Or you can scratch all of this, hold onto your values about caring for other people, and go back to America. When I say America, I mean any country where all is easy and the system of employment is simple and set and boring, as long as you pay $300,000 for an education. A country where parents expect you to leave the home and do 'something' with your life. Something means a job. I am obviously not talking to anybody from a third world country; meaning any country other than the US and Britain. That is just the way it is in the Middle East and we pray that value system in the workplace will come of age. We pray for that time when the American customer service makes it to Israel and they give us shoes for free. However, till then, try to keep your head held hi, as you lose all of your money to your mechanic.
You want to keep your work ethic alive. Well, be the only one and Gd willing, we will join you. You will be the one to bring the win-win to Israel. And hopefully, you will also stop them from playing Matkot, so that I can walk down the beach without getting hit by a ball. The only catch is that you have to get a real job here to make that happen. That is why you need to score your Protexyah. The only way to do that is to make friends with all those mechanics you work with. Next thing you know, you met the guy’s brother, whose name is Guy, and you are scoring free falafel balls while they are spreading your Chumus. And now you are on the front of the line, without even waiting. And you won't have to do anything. That is when you know you have made it in the Israeli work force. It is not about living in a mansion, it is about free snacks. Protexyah my Ach Sheli.

Lesson:

-Learn to do physical labor, so that you can tell other people it is hard and charge a lot.

JOBS: Smuggling is the Profit

'Kept SuperYads in Business'
(SuperYad is the business of a supermarket bag carrier I started, which turned into gifts)

The hardest part of running any successful business in Israel is knowing how to smuggle.
Smuggling your product into Israel is not easy. Many people have been caught with Marshmallow Fluff. For success, you must be able to smuggle your products past the tax authorities.
Once you take your bags off the carousel, you have to try to real quickly . Do not look at the customs staff. If you say 'Shalom' to them, you are risking confiscation of your stock. Greeting people in Israel is very suspect. This technique of the 'no look' can also be used in the Arab shuk- to ward off people calling you their friend, the Jewish shuk- allowing you to take sunflower seeds and rugulach with no pay, and walking anywhere and bumping into people without saying 'Excuse me.' People do not like initiating interaction with people. Same with customs. If you force them to say 'hello,' they will hold that grudge and check your bags.
The smuggling operation of US items made in China must be done by fitting all products into your bag. Nothing goes on carry on, as you do not want the extra weight to carry with you on the flight. You must fit all items into a 29 inch bag, without going over 50 lbs. That is what made the SuperYad business hard to run. The Superyads were too bulky, limiting me to an import of 100 items a run. Even worse, it hurt my ability to smuggle in the electronics.
Be sure to use whatever non-Israeli look you can. I use a baseball hat, as that looks American. Even so, there is still a chance of getting caught as an American, as that is where the products come from. Best to look European. No Dutch person has ever been caught for smuggling. If you can get a pair of clogs, walk through customs with the wooden shoes.
Every Oleh to Israel has had practice smuggling in electronics and whiskey. If you have two or more laptops, you have already had some practice. So don't think you do not have what it takes to be an entrepreneur in Israel.

To run the business right, you have to delegate the workload. Your main importers are family, close friends and friends of family visiting Israel. Pushing your product over the boarder in small shifts. This way each person can say, ‘I am bringing it for personal use.’
For this to work legally, you must have people who are willing to expand on the truth. ‘I am bringing it for myself, to give to David, to sell to other people, so that he will make money- which will make me happy.’ See, thus they are bringing it into Israel for their own use, and not for business. If they can, taping the products to the body also works well.
Starting a good smuggling ring in your American community is very easy. Most people are already used to bringing gifts. Thus, you tell your family to have them bring these gifts for you, to sell. They are already not telling the tax authorities that they are bringing gifts, as gifts are illegal to bring in too. At least it feels illegal to bring gifts when the security check asks you, 'Are you bringing gifts?' The way ask, puts the average tourist on edge; thus, accustoming them to saying they are not bringing any gifts.
I do not think that there has ever been a visitor to Israel with a gift, or an American product that they did not buy in Israel. My mother has grandchildren in Israel. For years, she has never brought them any gifts from America. But she has brought a lot of Teletubbies and Pokemon dolls for herself to use when she visits.
I have never met anybody who bought and iPad in Israel. Yet, nobody ever purchased an iPad outside of Israel. This is why we are the Holy Land. Miracles occur.
Smuggling the extra liter of alcohol is hard enough. SuperYad trafficking is a whole different league of hard. As, there is no use for your trafficking and it is very hard to find storage in your house. You could go the route of shipping them in. However, after you have paid the 500% tax and you have sold nothing, you start to realize that there is no point in your business. So, be sure you are smuggling in useful items, and not an idea for a business that I suggested to you. That is almost as bad as my giving you a stock tip.

I did get lucky recently and after seven years of storing the stuff in my room, I met a guy who also sells pointless stuff, like microwave plates. He sells this pointless stuff for a lot of money. Now I am selling the product to him for half of what it is worth, and I am in business. So you know, it is an amazing product and all three of the people that bought it, love it. It is the only conversation I have with them, whenever I pass them in a store or on the streets of Jerusalem. They make it a point to tell me, ‘I love that product…I forgot it at home again…when I used it that time I didn’t forget it, I loved it…I am thinking of getting my sister a granny-cart too.’
I was never involved in the granny-cart business, but I do hope they are enjoying the cart on wheels. I personally wouldn't pay that much for a cart. I recently purchased one from the supermarket, for 5nis. I put the 5 shekel into the cart and took it home too.
Point is, I am almost out of gifts, and now I am going to have to start smuggling in challah covers.

Lessons:
-Smuggle if you want to make money.
-Always carry an extra duffle when traveling to America.
-Dress European, to get past the tax authorities. Stuff in Europe is so expensive that nobody would smuggle from there. Lack of deodorant might also have them thinking you are from Israel, and then they might check your bags.
-Do not take any business advice from David.

JOBS: When Business Goes Bad

My first idea for a business was the SuperYad. It didn’t work.

I thought the name was clever. Super means super in Hebrew, and super also means big, and it even means supermarket. You following? Nice. I know. Yad means hand. So it means big hand too. It can also mean hand for the supermarket. Brilliant concept. Brilliant name. I know.

I’ll stop with the justifying. It was an upside down triangle. You can slip your bags on it. 

I had to close down the business because you cannot making a living off of 500 pieces. If I was selling 500 homes, I would have been set. I was selling a 35 cent item, for $2. I had a great markup going. Yet, I still didn't pull much profit. The calling it 'Super' 'Big' 'Huge' 'Large' racket I had going, was sweet. Worked right into the hands of the Huge neighborhood supermarkets of Israel, called Huge and Giant, because they are not makolets.

I had a whole ad campaign. I would go to the shuk and tell them: ‘This is a better product. This was made in Americaת and Americans are smarter.’ You have to speak to the people. The people I was selling to were Israelis. They know Americans are smarter. At least they assumed they are smart, as they speak a fluent English. Back fifteen years ago, that was a great sale. Now there are too many Americans in Israel, and the Israelis figured us out.

Another key to sales that I mastered was drawing the attention of the masses. You have to know how to draw them to your product. I used physical contact. When you bump into people or lightly touch people passing by, they generally turn around. It is a sales technique that works on countless levels, and can get you arrested. I took my chances. 

I put on a sales show too. I would take the upside down triangle, known as the SuperYad, and pick people up, or rip their pants. I would give the whole getting on the bus shtick and having to put all your bags down, with a guy screaming ‘Move faster- why wait us?’ Explain how apples go flying out of the bags, all the way to the other side of the bus- smacking people in the face, if you don’t have my product. The key to sales being that they have to understand why your product is different, and what issue is being solved. I made it clear that my product stopped the problem of flying apples on buses. Then I would talk about how painful it is to put down all your plastic bags in the shuk with each store you go to and then to have to pick them up. Point is I sold three.

After two years of sales, I still don't know what 'why wait us' means.

It was my business, which turned gifts. Just like every business my family ever started, such as the bookstore, the ice cream truck business, and the mirrors with the names on it- which we mass-produced with the name Ben (Jeremy and Hana were not happy with that gift; Ben was even more pissed off when he got three mirrors for his Bat Mitzvah). That is all it is, gifts that I found on sale. That is what my family does, we find gifts on sale. We don’t purchase real gifts for Bar Mitzvah boys. We find a watch that was $500. We pay $25 for it. The young man’s parents think we spent a bundle on their kid, until they go to the Christmas Tree Shop. 

In my family's tradition, I have been giving gifts. I even give wedding gifts now, because they don't know that I found the SuperYads on sale. People love the SuperYad, or give a shocked look when they get it. Either way, with all their disappointment, they are trying to make it look like they appreciate it. As long as the look is one of shock, it is close enough to appreciation. And that is enough comfort for me to keep on giving it. Many people also have two hands; allowing me to give them another SuperYad. 

I got my master's degree. I worked for that. When I made Aliyah, I decided to aim higher. I went straight to selling SuperYads. No formal education in SuperYad sales, I still shot for the stars. 

That is what matters. I came to Israel and I put my all into it. 500 units. Started a business. Maybe there is no business anymore, but it was the greatest investment I ever made. My friends know how much money I have saved on not purchasing candle holders or challah covers. If you live in Jerusalem, I know you loved it when I gave you that first, second, and even third SuperYad, for couples shopping. You smiled and even looked to your spouse for approval; letting you know that you can smile at David and he will go away. You even mistakenly invited me back, after you received  a full four SuperYads. But you smiled with a shocked look. Surprised that one person can have so many of the same gifts. Asking yourself how it is possible for one person to have such a big heart. The investment of friendship. To you, two dollars. A solid gift. For me, 35 cents.

JOBS: Your First Business in Israel

First couple of years, it is hard trying to figure out your way. Finding jobs is hard the first couple of years. Many people give up and become a security guard with no training in basic self-defense. 

You now realize that your college degree was pointless and you can't speak the language. But you will make it, because Israel is the Home Land and you have faith. You are in Israel, you are an immigrant and you are useless.

The real problem is family. If you have children, you have to make a living. Even if you just have a wife, they do not like living on the streets. All that romantic stuff and looking at the stars isn’t for them. The real romantics are the men sleeping under the stars next to Crack Square. Women aren’t romantic like that. Women want money. They are more into the diamond kind of romantic, the ‘you just spent $5,000 on me and you are going to be sleeping under the stars because you are now broke, while I find another man who can pay for this new house of mine’ kind of romantic. You can try making it look cool without a car. And it looks smooth when you take a woman's hand and say, 'Why don't you join me for a walk?' But when she is living with you, she knows that she is carrying the groceries home, because you have no car.

So if you are a family man, you need a job. You are married and the car is an expression of love. Without it, you won't have any.

So you can work for somebody, but who moved to the Promised Land for that? Become an entrepreneur. This is the start-up nation and you know nothing about technology.

Being that you have no idea what is going on, and you can plead ignorance if you can't pay your rent, because you don't understand the contract, you can start a business. That is the best way to lose all of your savings.

Starting a Business: I did this. This is the best option for somebody who doesn’t want to work like normal people and make money. If you like waking up late and showing up to work late, this is for you. The only issue is that you have no boss to complain about. As the foundation of any good job is based on a few hours after work, to complain about somebody else, it can get hard. You can complain about your staff, but you are a small business owner, and you cannot complain about your wife, when you go home. You don't want to lose your staff and your spouse at the same time. That happens, you don't need a job anymore.

For lack of a boss, every business owner complains about his job. I learned that my first couple of years in Israel. I learned that the most important part to having a business in the Middle East is to not have repeat customers. If there are repeat customers, you let them know how difficult it is to run a business. The first cab I got into, the driver was telling me how much he hates driving. Then he started getting angry about how people explain where they live and give him directions. As he didn't turn on his signal, I told him turn left. I asked the makolet guy how his day was and he gave me his financial statements. He started his speech, ‘Business is down. The raising rent. Check out my banking statements.’ I paid and told him to have a good day. I just wanted milk. 

Lesson was taken. 

Over the years, I have tried many legit businesses. It is hard. As a new immigrant, you are relegated to certain businesses. Here are a few businesses I was involved in:

- I tried opening a bathroom, charging a shekel. That went down when the hotel opened next door, and gave people bathroom use for free.

-I tried working security. Turns out people were lying when they said they didn’t have guns. They fired me when they realized I was learning Hebrew.

-I tried working in America, then I made Aliyah and I realized that my commute to work was very long- worse than commuting from Long Island to The City (New York that is, which is The City- at least Manhattan). I would have continued commuting, but I didn’t want to live in Chashmonaim. Chashmonaim is a town near Modiin and their slogan and ad is ‘Live in Israel, work in America… Have you not seen your family this past month. Are you not a sailor. Chashmonaim is the perfect place to leave your children. Let them run around and get lost. We will post the lost child on ChashmoChat for you…Want to live in America? Come to Chashmonaim and forget about Israel, until you pick up your groceries at Ram Levi.’

-I tried selling Ahava skin cream products in malls, but I wanted to live in Israel. I felt bad using the suggested sales technique of ‘You are ugly…now that you feel disgusting and are crying, buy this product and you might feel a little better about your uni-browed ugly self.’ The selling of Israeli products in the malls was the greatest idea. There are not enough tourists coming to Israel nowadays and it is important to export Israel’s number one product of scamming Americans. Ripping off Americans is what Israelis are good at. What is better than getting them to buy Israeli products that are packaged. 

  

Start Your Business. If you want to be creative and enjoy what you do. That is what I did and that is why I was not successful. 

You must be careful with taxes. At the time I started, I didn’t know that they take taxes. They even take taxes for having a place. The taxes on your location are not even on what you make. You can make nothing and they will still tax you on your location. My business was in minus (as they call it in Israel) before I spent a shekel.

Lesson: If you want to stay married, find a way to not pay all of your taxes. 

Either that or find a boss you fryer.

Protexia

Where is my Protexia? Is that another English word they messed up? Why is there a whole chapter on Protexia?
The Middle East is a tribal culture. You want to make it, figure out who your people are. This does not meant to get in good with the people in the Hi-tech world. Get in good with the people in the Hi-Tech world, if you want to make money. If you want to make it in Israel, you got to get in good with your Protexia. This, 'my friend,' is more important than a job.
You might have the job as the computer programming engineer. But just remember who is relaxing, sitting by his computer, watching reruns of 'My Friends' starring Ross and Josey. That guy is the one who has made it. He may not be able to hold a sophisticated conversation, or a job, but he is getting paid and 'my friend' is doing absolutely nothing. Anybody can get a job because they have knowledge or experience. That is easy. But those jobs come and go. 'My friends' can make you feel bad. 'He's my friends' can make a man feel guilty. That is job security.

It all starts with Protexia.
You have to get the ‘in.’ I never had the 'in.' Protexia is the in you have when you are able to get something, so minimal, without working for it. You score the Protexia and the next thing you know, you don't have to pay for the popsicle. You now have Protexia. You got the ices for free, and your friend stole from his boss.
To own a business. That is not Protexia. Getting the job is Protexia. Owning the business is inheritance.
Protexia is the in you have which allows you to not get screwed over. For example, if you are running a legal business, Protexia allows you to run that legal business. The Protexia gets the city to sign off on your business, which allows you the right to pay the 300,000 shekel a year, city tax.
Protexia can be manifested in many different avenues of life. Protexia may be used to help people get decent jobs in the army and any other menial job thereafter. Protexia can keep you living steadily on a 3,500nis monthly salary. If you don't know the conversion rate, you are one who has no Protexia in the religious community of Jerusalem.
Protexia comes from the word protection. Meaning, another English word that has been destroyed. It is the kind of protection you can only get from being on the inside of the cartel. They don't hand out silk suits in high schools. And they do not hand out an extra falafel balls in your Laffa wrap.

I did not know about Protexia when I moved to Israel. If Protexia worked in the US, I would have been set with a job as a nurse at the Jewish Home in Rochester. However, in America, you need credentials. That is useless in the Middle East.
Protexia is about receiving. There is no room for achieving in if you want to make it. Achievement has already been done. It is your job, your degree, what you have done in the past. Who cares about that? What is that going to get you? Wow, a doctorate. Look at you. The real question: Do you know Shmulik? If you don't, you are getting the milk that is expiring tomorrow.
Upon Aliyah, you have to question why you wasted time going to university. You have to start asking yourself the question: Why did I not drink more?
Once you come up with answers to these questions you will be feeling stupid for not having Protexia. You will feel like an idiot, as you have a degree and the ability to analyze why it would have been more financially worthwhile for you to have skipped college. You will be able to come to the conclusion that you are financially stuck because you did not marry a native Israeli. And now, because of your degrees and studies, a conversation with Shmulik is tedious.
But you are in Israel because of your love for the land and the people. That is why I have been working on my Protexia.

I have a masters. Useless. Degrees. Useless. Nurse, teacher, doctor, all other jobs where they expect a degree. Useless. Be a waiter or waitress, you get the tips. The real money is in the stuff you don’t have to report. Protexia. Lawyer. OK, one job you have to study for which can help with Protexia, once you get caught stealing ices.
Where can you find Protexia? Find the poorest neighborhood in your city, and you will find some real good Protexia. Don't let the money fool you. The people that are making it are not the ones with the big houses. They 'my friends' are not the friends with the guy at the Makolet. They don't know Shmulik. They might show up one day, and not get the newspaper. The newspaper which is sitting down there on the counter, waiting for you, because you know his name is not Shmuel. You know the importance of the word 'Achi'/my brother.
Saying 'my brother' to a man who cannot understand a word you say, because your accent is horrific, is your graduation certificate. It is just as good as being 'my friend' in the Arab shuk, when he wants to sell you something.
The problem with university is you wasted all that money and time, and they don’t teach you, ‘Do not report your income.’ And never have I been to a class where they taught me the word 'Protexia,' let alone mentioned it. Pointless. Five years of graduate school? Protexia! With the Protexia, they would have given me the degree. At least I would have been invited for a cigar with the dean.

To note, tour guide is a great job too. That is the world where Protexia meets professionalism. You go to a two year program and next thing you know, tips. You get paid and tips, which you do not report. Now you are in the world of making it in Israel.
The greatest part of the tour guiding is that when you went university, there was no way you thought you were going to be a tour guide. But you moved to Israel, your profession has no way of translating over and you like going for long walks and talking to 'my friends.' Protexia. You are not David the engineer playwright anymore. You are Dudu. And you are not friends with Shmuel. You are the 'Ach'/brother of Tzimi, the guy who works at the art store, who gives you kickbacks and also gets free popsicles from Shmulik, Achmads 'friends.'
The real issue is that you still don't have Protexia with Sallie Mae. And they want your student loans. To deal with that, you need 'Protection.'

That is a lot of Protexia writing here. A manifesto on Protexia, if I may say. I think we are all on the same page now. You and myself have no idea what Protexia is.
What I can tell you, is that if you are now studying Protexia, you are not with 'my friends.'

***David Kilimnick may be seen educating you on Jerusalem, every Thursday night @ 8:30pm, at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement and is now booking shows for his Tour of America, later this year.

JOBS: IDT Was The Job

INTRO
I did not move to Israel for a job. I had a career in America. I moved to get away from all that. All that need money to pay for stuff way of life. I moved to Israel to live a life of moral excellence and connection with Gd. I am broke.
There are jobs that require professional aptitude and abilities and even degrees. Nobody moves to Israel for those jobs. If you get those jobs once you moved to Israel, go back to America. They pay more. If you get that job in America, then you can move to Israel.

Jobs seem to be starting to come to Israel. I am happy to say, I don’t know where to find them. I am not a heretic. Maybe they are in what is known as the Merkaz. I think that means the middle of the country, or anyplace they care enough about that they don't want it bombed. I am sure the jobs are not in Jerusalem. I do think that Jerusalem is the Merkaz. Maybe I am wrong. There are no real jobs I can find here, so I guess I am wrong.
I don’t know what job I could do. Now, I am a comedian, running a club- Off The Wall Comedy Basement- corner of Ben Yehuda and King George in downtown Jerusalem, where I perform every week as an integral part of everybody’s Israel experience. You can come and see me perform, if you want to laugh and understand the details of Israeli society. That was a plug. As a comedian, I don't think I could do anything else with my life. Once you really commit to comedy, anything else just seems unfulfilling. Honestly, who really cares about youth at risk? I mean that. They are annoying. I am more worried about myself at risk around youth.
If I was in the regular job market, I would be stuck as a new immigrant, opening up bathrooms and charging a shekel. That is about all the ability I have as a new immigrant. Yeah, I might have a degree or two, but translate that to Hebrew and I am kindergarten.
I could always work in hi-tech. I could also learn about computers. But do you see me jumping at that. I have learned how to use Freemovies.Idon'tliveinAmeric.Ineverhavetopayforenterainmentagain.co.il. That is enough hi-tech for me. If I learn more hi-tech, I might as well move back to America. The closest thing I am going to touch which is hi-tech, is one of the new touch phones. And that is only because I can stream movies on it.

IDT Would Have Been Perfect for Me
I thought I could work at a call center. I felt that working a call center would fulfill my needs as an immigrant for lack of work gratification. Working a service center could give me that sense of non-accomplishment I was looking for as an immigrant.
Once you immigrate to a new country, you generally qualify as a person who's English is poor enough to work at a service center for any American company, working for customers in the US. At least I thought.
I think I was the first person to be rejected from IDT. That was 10 years ago. And now, I am the only immigrant in Israel to have never worked at a call center, or have done security.
IDT was the big call center in Israel. I missed out on the opportunity to be a real immigrant.

I don’t know much about the business. I think that being in a call center was not for me. I was new to Aliyah and I still spoke English as a first language, still not pronouncing the silent letters; that is not good for a service center. That did not throw off the customers enough to make them feel like they were supporting the Far East.
A service center needs somebody to stall the people on the other side of the phone, to get them more angry. They are supposed to call angry, and then be stalled to get more angry, and then they get to a point of anger where they are willing to kill themselves. That is when the manager can get on the phone to keep them alive and on the plan. After speaking to anybody from the Far East long enough, in English, you want to say 'yes' to anything with an American accent.
I thought they were giving all immigrants jobs. I was wrong. They were only giving jobs to people that weren't working in a profession. I was supposed to work a counseling hotline, because I have a social work degree. However, they realized that the only way to keep people on the phone long enough was to make sure that the person they were speaking to did not have a background in counseling. This way, the customer would stay on the hotline longer, trying to figure out why a counseling hotline had people who new nothing about help. The customers did realize that they did need help, and that is a start, worth paying $1.99 a minute.
I am not going to conjecture why IDT went down. Everybody, at the end of the big IDT Israel stint seemed to have been family. I mean real family. Not 'We are all Olim' family. I mean not skilled members of the family. I was meeting people from IDT with their job backgrounds. One guy explained to me the different positions, ‘Brother…in law….I am sister to…I am uncle emeritus.’ That is a legitimate job in Israel. Uncle emeritus is an important position. That is a position which needs to be filled by somebody who is willing to relax on shift. Most people who are not family cannot be depended upon to commit to not overly work themselves.

I never worked at a call center. And I blame that on the fact that have no relatives in the Merkaz.
Who knows? It might be because my English is good like this.

JERUSALEM TOUR: The Ending

Tour Guide Speech

 

I have been holding your hands until now, my little nestlings. It is now time for you to fly into the depths of Jerusalem yourself. 

We have learned a lot over this tour. We have learned about the makeup of the streets and how each block has its own name. Studied the makeup of the Jerusalem stone sidewalk, made for you to slip, and the umbrellas which all broke in the rain. We have even seen each person in this group get a free ball from a falafel vendor. All while stopping by the best art vendors in each area. And I have received kickbacks of 30%.

As you travel Jerusalem, remember to stay on the West side.

Why is this our home? You still ask? Because that store over there is kosher. The supermarkets sell kosher. As a Jew, you do not even have to look on packages here, if you do not care. The restaurants are kosher. I am not relegated to eating out in ice cream parlors. One does not have to depend on Shabbat to keep their weight at a religious Jewish level. 

We can be people here. Look at these people with Yarmulkes. A head covering is not weird here. They can be Jews here and that is normal. To talk to yourself in the middle of the street is normal. That guy over there, running, is praying. You can travel the highways, and not have to be an undercover Jew, with your baseball hat. You can travel the highways and do what Jews do: slip off the side of the road and pee wherever you want, in view of the passing cars. Sometimes, right behind a bus stop, so the people on the back of the bus can connect with Jewish unity. 

We are supposed to be a Light unto the Nations אור לגיום. And that is why it is important to show people what we do, even in our homeland.

Nobody is looking at you like you are crazy, or different. Where else in the world can you be Jewish and not have to feel like a Jew? Where else in the world can you pee on a street, in public view, and not have anybody screaming, 'You filthy Jew?'

These people passing us right now are new Olim. That is why they have nice clothing. They just came from Chutz LAretz (outside of Israel), and thus were able to purchase clothes at normal cost. These are new Olim, of the new Aliyah, they did not come to dig the land. They pay people to dig for them.

You are going to be in different Neighborhoods:

All these areas have the same city planner, who decided to make the streets in figure eights. The reason for the complicated street patterns and one way streets, which you should be driving down the wrong way, is that when they were built, they did not foresee homes, or people coming to live in them. Thus, you will notice the random house built in the middle of the street. The random names of the same street is because a famous person died fifty years ago.

Look up. The street name just changed. That was Agron, now it is Ramban. That is the same street. It runs straight. A little further down Yitzchak Kariv St. Still same street.

You will see many institutions, but I am not one to drop names. I have no idea who Avi Chai was. He must have been a very important person. Van Leer must have given a lot of money. Yad Ezra, I am sure she was a good person too. Tisch must have also had money. And not one of these people has a street. Thus they had to make an institute for them.

To see homes and streets that have been built to accommodate city planning from the 1800s, see East Jerusalem. The driveway streets are more complicated and change depending on who’s home you are passing. Walleed St., can get mixed up with Sammy Street very easily. This is right next to Rami Blvd., as they are neighbors. Once streets get too squiggly, you know you are in East Jerusalem. It is like the letters: Hebrew parts have curvy streets. Arabic parts have squiggly streets.

 

You can see Jerusalem Stone Buildings- you see them? OK.

That one is unique. It is Jerusalem Stone. Over there is a Bauhaus Jerusalem Stone. That one is white Jerusalem Stone. That one is brown Jerusalem Stone.

More Jerusalem Stone Buildings.

 

Do not use this Jerusalem stone building as a reference for where you are.

This is all part of the real Jerusalem. How do I know? Because I am lost and this neighborhood looks exactly like a neighborhood I know.

Other Important Advice, as I leave you: 

The real experience is the interaction with the Israelis. They, along with the non-Israeli Arabs, are what gives Israel its character and bad name. Many times it will be somebody who is not an Anglo. Might be a guy from India giving attitude. Just call them all Israeli. It will make your conversation about your issues with you trip in your Home Land more exciting. They might be random annoying people. They might just be people from Canada. Call them Israeli. For the sake of continuing the process of disparaging Israel, as Jews, you must group them all 'Israeli.'

If you want to speak Hebrew, say 'Shalom' to people. Start your conversations in Hebrew. That is the only way you will end up speaking any Hebrew. If  you want to not get ripped off because of you accent, don't say anything. Just look and grunt, and point. It is acceptable in Israel to stair at random people and not say anything.
Meeting Israelis for dates (places): The Old City, center of town, Emek Refaim, anywhere in Rechavia or Gilo, Tel Aviv, a nice coffee shop, Begin Museum, Yad Vashem, bowling, mini golf. I like to go on a walk and hit up a makolet. All depends on your budget. There is a flower garden, if you want to scare her on the first date and go someplace not around people. You can go to Kad VaChomer. But that paint your own pottery is a rip off. The mug that I painted, which they made me pay 85nis for, would probably not even get a buyer in an art fare. 
If you do not want to experience the city itself, you can go to the Israel Museum. There, you can experience Egypt. 

Always be open for a Shidduch. People like to pry. Let them set you up. You never know what good ideas somebody on line with you at the supermarket might have. Line at Supersol? Chance for a shidduch. 'You like carrots, that is a kilo. She also buys carrots in kilos. You could have a bunch of carrot kilos.' You have carrots in common. She might know a girl and set you up with a somebody who likes mayonnaise and craisins. Next thing you know, you have a great carrot salad, and some kids with sight. Even better is getting set up at the cash machine. Hopefully you can get a good look at the finances of a future relative, and make a quick decision as to the possibility of a date, before checking anything up on Facebook.

  

Aliyah is fun at first, and then it turns into life. So do not commit to Israel. Vacation. There are rich people who will pay for your trip right now. Once you make Aliyah, you have to pay.

Point is, here is a restaurant guide. Let this lead you through the cracks of this beautiful city, with Waze. And do not visit your cousins, or anybody who will ask you why are visiting and haven't made Aliyah yet. I can not guide you through that discomfort.

I think that is all I have to say. 'We are moving. We are moving.'

JERUSALEM TOUR: Emek Refaim

A street where restaurants close. If you stand here for long enough, you will be able to see the closing and opening of a restaurant.
This is where I go when people treat me out for dinner. Emek Refaim is also where Americans go without fear of running into people who do not speak English.
The home to the original Burgers Bar, this area is the beacon of the Jerusalem dining business. The street connecting the center of the city to Talpiot and other areas, many vacationers enjoy the classy Israeli dining experience, by waiting for a table and noticing a random late shower cutting them on line.
We are in the Greman Colony area. Even so, nobody really knows where the German Colony is. And as such, the area is known as Rechavia. Like all neighborhoods in Jerusalem, it was established in the late 19th century. All that mumbo jumbo about Germans living here, is true. As should be noted, Greeks lived in the Greek Colony, right up the road.
Emek Refaim is more than a street. It is an area. An area where people cannot judge you for being religious and not frum. As such, there is a pool, a music school and the ICCY (which stands for something).
Along with Mamila, this area represents the melting pot of Jerusalem. The main goal of the residents is to get rid of the falafel places near the corner of Rachel Imenu St. So that one day, our children's children will not have to say, 'I live in the Middle East.'
The Templer sect of Christians, who broke away from the Protestant church to move to Israel in the hopes of greeting the Messiah, settled this area. As such, today, there are no Germans living here. The British forced them out in WWII. Thus, you will notice some beautiful homes that run along Emek Refaim and Beit Lechem streets. Homes which are built better than the homes in Baka. Homes which the world is fine with Israelis living in. To your left, you will notice the Templer cemetery, built with the traditional German architecture of tombstones.
Wait. That's a friend of mine. I am going to talk to them for three minutes. I have a reputation, and I must pretend like we are close. They have money....
We are back.
And now that the parking has been taken away from the non-residents of the Emek Refaiim area, we can stand here for a few more hours to see more restaurants closing.
A few years back, the residents of the Emek Refaim and Talbiyah areas, all part of Rechavia, fought against the building of a hotel in the area. Along with all of the existing residents, they figured that if somebody wants to tour Jerusalem (just as they do for a few weeks a year) they should also purchase and apartment. Some of the residents claimed it would kill the landscape and take away all of the grass from the Emek Refaim shopping area. Which, as you can see, there is that tree on the corner over there with that squared off meter of boxed in grass.
This is what Derech Beit Lechem would look like if the street was built wide enough for cars. One of the distinguishing factors of Emek Refaim is that here you can find people.

JERUSALEM TOUR: Baka

Look, immigrants. 
They believe they are smart, because they speak a better English than the average Israeli. The average Israeli thinks they are an idiot, because they speak Hebrew like an American.
People who live in Baka like to discuss books they did not write, because they do not live in Rechavia and do not understand Hebrew. Shai Agnon, who won the Nobel Prize for literature, lived here. Now Baka is the home to many Anglos who do not write, but do talk about Agnon; holding sophisticated conversations about Agnon's translated writings. Many even discuss his transliterated writings. Even so, sometimes the root of the word gets lost in transliteration.
You may also find a large population of French immigrants, who decided to claim Baka as their neighborhood. Trying to occupy the Baka area with French. What all the immigrants in Baka who purchased homes have in common is that they all made money before they made Aliyah, and they only live here for three months of the year.
The New Oleh population likes living in these originally Arab built homes. A very respectable population of left leaning educated people can also be found here, as they believe that it is wrong for them to be living here. Greatly appreciated, as they feel very guilty for the real estate they purchased, and do not believe they belong here. Which is why the American left-wing population only lives here for three months a year. The rest of the year, this population apologizes for being Jewish, and for the survival of the Jewish people, around the globe.
If you are on Rechov Tziporah, you can see my friends Deb and Chagai.
Gad Street is where Ulpan Etzion was. The memories of moving to Israel and being treated like an immigrant from back in the 1950s, were the experience at Ulpam Etzion. I still thank them for giving me the sochnut, Jewish Agency mattress from 1950, which gave me the firsthand connection with persecution of the Jewish people. As that is what immigration is about- connection. The Ulpan Etzion, language study- absorption center experience, allowed for the immigrants to take a second look at their Aliyah and leave Israel as soon as they had a chance to analyze it and settle in. It was a reminder that Jews do not make Aliyah for financial reasons, unless they are from a non-English speaking country. Jews make Aliyah for chocolate spread, the only nutritional food we were served at ulpan, along with burekas.
One of the few streets to allow for unpaid parking, on both sides, Gad St. is also the home of a soccer pitch of solidarity with the Third World. As a show of support for the Middle East, the grass has never been mowed.
It is extremely hot today. No problem. Drink water. Do not worry. There are no public bathrooms here. If you are embarrassed to go in public, nobody will see you going in the grass of the soccer pitch. It is very hot now, but again, do not worry. In 3 hours it will start getting dark and you will be freezing.

The main street here is Beit Lechem, where you can find less people than Emeq Refaim, a couple of blocks down. To get the Derech Beit Lechem experience, let us go down to Emeq Refaim.

JERUSALEM TOUR: Katamon

This is the area of Jerusalem where single people go to cry. Similar to the Upper West Side of New York, this is not an area where elementary school kids, or high school students, should be hanging out. It will also mess up their hope for a future.

Yes. Those are single people. You can see them looking at us, hoping one of us is single and willing to talk to them. They moved in when they were 20, in hopes of meeting an Israeli.

Good question. That American still does not speak Hebrew. How do you develop a relationship with an Israeli when you do not speak Hebrew? Israel is the land of miracles.

Yes. I am single. No. These facts are in the guide books. They are hoping to meet somebody, and yet they do not know how to initiate conversation of attraction, as they grew up religious. Nothing to do with me. We read about this for guiding school. But that was a good question.

We are moving. We are moving.

You can see a Dud Shemesh. This amazing device works to heat up water for the first shower taken in the morning. You can tell we are in a Jewish area, as the Dud Shemesh is white. Any claims by Arabs that they built these homes are false, as you can see the white Dud Shemesh.

That is a lady with a burqa. They are very modest and Jewish. We know that because of the white Dud Shemesh.

Found in South-Central Jerusalem, this gang area is home to many non-profit organizations and consulates. 

It is a neighborhood. There is some history. People live here. Maybe this isn't a frequently toured area, because people don't like seeing homes. But homes are history. As you can see this apartment building has stores on its ground floor. Quite interesting.

Katamonim- We are still in South-Central Jerusalem and there are no consulates here. We just crossed Yochanan Ben Zackai St., and we have just added an 'im' to the name. 

Look to your right, you can see a random person peeing on the street. Behind him, you can see a synagogue which was built a half century ago.

Katamonim was built in the early years of the modern state of Israel, to house the new immigrants. Affordable living was the key, and as such, no apartment was built to be larger than 45 square meters. You can find affordable housing in this area for 1,600,000 shekel.

The greater Katamon area is surrounded by different Katamonim (also known as the Gonanim to professors who study the geography of Jerusalem and know that somebody out there calls Katamon, Gonen- from the word 'defenders,' as you can see they have the same root). Katamonim is surrounded by what is known as 'Shikunim,' the hood. These complexes were originally built with stucco siding, making them not fit for Jerusalem- as they kill the view from the neighbor's porch. The government knew that the buildings would never be cleaned, and as such built them to look dirty.

There are a good 9 Katamon areas, in the Katamonim, but they are all affectionately known to the people who live here as Rechavia. Katamon, without the 'im' is the area built for English speakers.

Across from San Simon Park (which is really the Katamon park), where there is a monastery for missionizing children on bouncy horses, is the Youth Village where they teach children about the Oslo peace talks and how they affect rockets coming into Israel.

And we now see another Ashkenazi shule built in a bomb-shelter. As Ashkenazim are always scared of war, they have claimed every bomb-shelter. The nice synagogue over there is a Sephardi shule. They believe that H' protects, and a shule should look nice.