Protexia

Where is my Protexia? Is that another English word they messed up? Why is there a whole chapter on Protexia?
The Middle East is a tribal culture. You want to make it, figure out who your people are. This does not meant to get in good with the people in the Hi-tech world. Get in good with the people in the Hi-Tech world, if you want to make money. If you want to make it in Israel, you got to get in good with your Protexia. This, 'my friend,' is more important than a job.
You might have the job as the computer programming engineer. But just remember who is relaxing, sitting by his computer, watching reruns of 'My Friends' starring Ross and Josey. That guy is the one who has made it. He may not be able to hold a sophisticated conversation, or a job, but he is getting paid and 'my friend' is doing absolutely nothing. Anybody can get a job because they have knowledge or experience. That is easy. But those jobs come and go. 'My friends' can make you feel bad. 'He's my friends' can make a man feel guilty. That is job security.

It all starts with Protexia.
You have to get the ‘in.’ I never had the 'in.' Protexia is the in you have when you are able to get something, so minimal, without working for it. You score the Protexia and the next thing you know, you don't have to pay for the popsicle. You now have Protexia. You got the ices for free, and your friend stole from his boss.
To own a business. That is not Protexia. Getting the job is Protexia. Owning the business is inheritance.
Protexia is the in you have which allows you to not get screwed over. For example, if you are running a legal business, Protexia allows you to run that legal business. The Protexia gets the city to sign off on your business, which allows you the right to pay the 300,000 shekel a year, city tax.
Protexia can be manifested in many different avenues of life. Protexia may be used to help people get decent jobs in the army and any other menial job thereafter. Protexia can keep you living steadily on a 3,500nis monthly salary. If you don't know the conversion rate, you are one who has no Protexia in the religious community of Jerusalem.
Protexia comes from the word protection. Meaning, another English word that has been destroyed. It is the kind of protection you can only get from being on the inside of the cartel. They don't hand out silk suits in high schools. And they do not hand out an extra falafel balls in your Laffa wrap.

I did not know about Protexia when I moved to Israel. If Protexia worked in the US, I would have been set with a job as a nurse at the Jewish Home in Rochester. However, in America, you need credentials. That is useless in the Middle East.
Protexia is about receiving. There is no room for achieving in if you want to make it. Achievement has already been done. It is your job, your degree, what you have done in the past. Who cares about that? What is that going to get you? Wow, a doctorate. Look at you. The real question: Do you know Shmulik? If you don't, you are getting the milk that is expiring tomorrow.
Upon Aliyah, you have to question why you wasted time going to university. You have to start asking yourself the question: Why did I not drink more?
Once you come up with answers to these questions you will be feeling stupid for not having Protexia. You will feel like an idiot, as you have a degree and the ability to analyze why it would have been more financially worthwhile for you to have skipped college. You will be able to come to the conclusion that you are financially stuck because you did not marry a native Israeli. And now, because of your degrees and studies, a conversation with Shmulik is tedious.
But you are in Israel because of your love for the land and the people. That is why I have been working on my Protexia.

I have a masters. Useless. Degrees. Useless. Nurse, teacher, doctor, all other jobs where they expect a degree. Useless. Be a waiter or waitress, you get the tips. The real money is in the stuff you don’t have to report. Protexia. Lawyer. OK, one job you have to study for which can help with Protexia, once you get caught stealing ices.
Where can you find Protexia? Find the poorest neighborhood in your city, and you will find some real good Protexia. Don't let the money fool you. The people that are making it are not the ones with the big houses. They 'my friends' are not the friends with the guy at the Makolet. They don't know Shmulik. They might show up one day, and not get the newspaper. The newspaper which is sitting down there on the counter, waiting for you, because you know his name is not Shmuel. You know the importance of the word 'Achi'/my brother.
Saying 'my brother' to a man who cannot understand a word you say, because your accent is horrific, is your graduation certificate. It is just as good as being 'my friend' in the Arab shuk, when he wants to sell you something.
The problem with university is you wasted all that money and time, and they don’t teach you, ‘Do not report your income.’ And never have I been to a class where they taught me the word 'Protexia,' let alone mentioned it. Pointless. Five years of graduate school? Protexia! With the Protexia, they would have given me the degree. At least I would have been invited for a cigar with the dean.

To note, tour guide is a great job too. That is the world where Protexia meets professionalism. You go to a two year program and next thing you know, tips. You get paid and tips, which you do not report. Now you are in the world of making it in Israel.
The greatest part of the tour guiding is that when you went university, there was no way you thought you were going to be a tour guide. But you moved to Israel, your profession has no way of translating over and you like going for long walks and talking to 'my friends.' Protexia. You are not David the engineer playwright anymore. You are Dudu. And you are not friends with Shmuel. You are the 'Ach'/brother of Tzimi, the guy who works at the art store, who gives you kickbacks and also gets free popsicles from Shmulik, Achmads 'friends.'
The real issue is that you still don't have Protexia with Sallie Mae. And they want your student loans. To deal with that, you need 'Protection.'

That is a lot of Protexia writing here. A manifesto on Protexia, if I may say. I think we are all on the same page now. You and myself have no idea what Protexia is.
What I can tell you, is that if you are now studying Protexia, you are not with 'my friends.'

***David Kilimnick may be seen educating you on Jerusalem, every Thursday night @ 8:30pm, at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement and is now booking shows for his Tour of America, later this year.

JOBS: IDT Was The Job

INTRO
I did not move to Israel for a job. I had a career in America. I moved to get away from all that. All that need money to pay for stuff way of life. I moved to Israel to live a life of moral excellence and connection with Gd. I am broke.
There are jobs that require professional aptitude and abilities and even degrees. Nobody moves to Israel for those jobs. If you get those jobs once you moved to Israel, go back to America. They pay more. If you get that job in America, then you can move to Israel.

Jobs seem to be starting to come to Israel. I am happy to say, I don’t know where to find them. I am not a heretic. Maybe they are in what is known as the Merkaz. I think that means the middle of the country, or anyplace they care enough about that they don't want it bombed. I am sure the jobs are not in Jerusalem. I do think that Jerusalem is the Merkaz. Maybe I am wrong. There are no real jobs I can find here, so I guess I am wrong.
I don’t know what job I could do. Now, I am a comedian, running a club- Off The Wall Comedy Basement- corner of Ben Yehuda and King George in downtown Jerusalem, where I perform every week as an integral part of everybody’s Israel experience. You can come and see me perform, if you want to laugh and understand the details of Israeli society. That was a plug. As a comedian, I don't think I could do anything else with my life. Once you really commit to comedy, anything else just seems unfulfilling. Honestly, who really cares about youth at risk? I mean that. They are annoying. I am more worried about myself at risk around youth.
If I was in the regular job market, I would be stuck as a new immigrant, opening up bathrooms and charging a shekel. That is about all the ability I have as a new immigrant. Yeah, I might have a degree or two, but translate that to Hebrew and I am kindergarten.
I could always work in hi-tech. I could also learn about computers. But do you see me jumping at that. I have learned how to use Freemovies.Idon'tliveinAmeric.Ineverhavetopayforenterainmentagain.co.il. That is enough hi-tech for me. If I learn more hi-tech, I might as well move back to America. The closest thing I am going to touch which is hi-tech, is one of the new touch phones. And that is only because I can stream movies on it.

IDT Would Have Been Perfect for Me
I thought I could work at a call center. I felt that working a call center would fulfill my needs as an immigrant for lack of work gratification. Working a service center could give me that sense of non-accomplishment I was looking for as an immigrant.
Once you immigrate to a new country, you generally qualify as a person who's English is poor enough to work at a service center for any American company, working for customers in the US. At least I thought.
I think I was the first person to be rejected from IDT. That was 10 years ago. And now, I am the only immigrant in Israel to have never worked at a call center, or have done security.
IDT was the big call center in Israel. I missed out on the opportunity to be a real immigrant.

I don’t know much about the business. I think that being in a call center was not for me. I was new to Aliyah and I still spoke English as a first language, still not pronouncing the silent letters; that is not good for a service center. That did not throw off the customers enough to make them feel like they were supporting the Far East.
A service center needs somebody to stall the people on the other side of the phone, to get them more angry. They are supposed to call angry, and then be stalled to get more angry, and then they get to a point of anger where they are willing to kill themselves. That is when the manager can get on the phone to keep them alive and on the plan. After speaking to anybody from the Far East long enough, in English, you want to say 'yes' to anything with an American accent.
I thought they were giving all immigrants jobs. I was wrong. They were only giving jobs to people that weren't working in a profession. I was supposed to work a counseling hotline, because I have a social work degree. However, they realized that the only way to keep people on the phone long enough was to make sure that the person they were speaking to did not have a background in counseling. This way, the customer would stay on the hotline longer, trying to figure out why a counseling hotline had people who new nothing about help. The customers did realize that they did need help, and that is a start, worth paying $1.99 a minute.
I am not going to conjecture why IDT went down. Everybody, at the end of the big IDT Israel stint seemed to have been family. I mean real family. Not 'We are all Olim' family. I mean not skilled members of the family. I was meeting people from IDT with their job backgrounds. One guy explained to me the different positions, ‘Brother…in law….I am sister to…I am uncle emeritus.’ That is a legitimate job in Israel. Uncle emeritus is an important position. That is a position which needs to be filled by somebody who is willing to relax on shift. Most people who are not family cannot be depended upon to commit to not overly work themselves.

I never worked at a call center. And I blame that on the fact that have no relatives in the Merkaz.
Who knows? It might be because my English is good like this.

JERUSALEM TOUR: The Ending

Tour Guide Speech

 

I have been holding your hands until now, my little nestlings. It is now time for you to fly into the depths of Jerusalem yourself. 

We have learned a lot over this tour. We have learned about the makeup of the streets and how each block has its own name. Studied the makeup of the Jerusalem stone sidewalk, made for you to slip, and the umbrellas which all broke in the rain. We have even seen each person in this group get a free ball from a falafel vendor. All while stopping by the best art vendors in each area. And I have received kickbacks of 30%.

As you travel Jerusalem, remember to stay on the West side.

Why is this our home? You still ask? Because that store over there is kosher. The supermarkets sell kosher. As a Jew, you do not even have to look on packages here, if you do not care. The restaurants are kosher. I am not relegated to eating out in ice cream parlors. One does not have to depend on Shabbat to keep their weight at a religious Jewish level. 

We can be people here. Look at these people with Yarmulkes. A head covering is not weird here. They can be Jews here and that is normal. To talk to yourself in the middle of the street is normal. That guy over there, running, is praying. You can travel the highways, and not have to be an undercover Jew, with your baseball hat. You can travel the highways and do what Jews do: slip off the side of the road and pee wherever you want, in view of the passing cars. Sometimes, right behind a bus stop, so the people on the back of the bus can connect with Jewish unity. 

We are supposed to be a Light unto the Nations אור לגיום. And that is why it is important to show people what we do, even in our homeland.

Nobody is looking at you like you are crazy, or different. Where else in the world can you be Jewish and not have to feel like a Jew? Where else in the world can you pee on a street, in public view, and not have anybody screaming, 'You filthy Jew?'

These people passing us right now are new Olim. That is why they have nice clothing. They just came from Chutz LAretz (outside of Israel), and thus were able to purchase clothes at normal cost. These are new Olim, of the new Aliyah, they did not come to dig the land. They pay people to dig for them.

You are going to be in different Neighborhoods:

All these areas have the same city planner, who decided to make the streets in figure eights. The reason for the complicated street patterns and one way streets, which you should be driving down the wrong way, is that when they were built, they did not foresee homes, or people coming to live in them. Thus, you will notice the random house built in the middle of the street. The random names of the same street is because a famous person died fifty years ago.

Look up. The street name just changed. That was Agron, now it is Ramban. That is the same street. It runs straight. A little further down Yitzchak Kariv St. Still same street.

You will see many institutions, but I am not one to drop names. I have no idea who Avi Chai was. He must have been a very important person. Van Leer must have given a lot of money. Yad Ezra, I am sure she was a good person too. Tisch must have also had money. And not one of these people has a street. Thus they had to make an institute for them.

To see homes and streets that have been built to accommodate city planning from the 1800s, see East Jerusalem. The driveway streets are more complicated and change depending on who’s home you are passing. Walleed St., can get mixed up with Sammy Street very easily. This is right next to Rami Blvd., as they are neighbors. Once streets get too squiggly, you know you are in East Jerusalem. It is like the letters: Hebrew parts have curvy streets. Arabic parts have squiggly streets.

 

You can see Jerusalem Stone Buildings- you see them? OK.

That one is unique. It is Jerusalem Stone. Over there is a Bauhaus Jerusalem Stone. That one is white Jerusalem Stone. That one is brown Jerusalem Stone.

More Jerusalem Stone Buildings.

 

Do not use this Jerusalem stone building as a reference for where you are.

This is all part of the real Jerusalem. How do I know? Because I am lost and this neighborhood looks exactly like a neighborhood I know.

Other Important Advice, as I leave you: 

The real experience is the interaction with the Israelis. They, along with the non-Israeli Arabs, are what gives Israel its character and bad name. Many times it will be somebody who is not an Anglo. Might be a guy from India giving attitude. Just call them all Israeli. It will make your conversation about your issues with you trip in your Home Land more exciting. They might be random annoying people. They might just be people from Canada. Call them Israeli. For the sake of continuing the process of disparaging Israel, as Jews, you must group them all 'Israeli.'

If you want to speak Hebrew, say 'Shalom' to people. Start your conversations in Hebrew. That is the only way you will end up speaking any Hebrew. If  you want to not get ripped off because of you accent, don't say anything. Just look and grunt, and point. It is acceptable in Israel to stair at random people and not say anything.
Meeting Israelis for dates (places): The Old City, center of town, Emek Refaim, anywhere in Rechavia or Gilo, Tel Aviv, a nice coffee shop, Begin Museum, Yad Vashem, bowling, mini golf. I like to go on a walk and hit up a makolet. All depends on your budget. There is a flower garden, if you want to scare her on the first date and go someplace not around people. You can go to Kad VaChomer. But that paint your own pottery is a rip off. The mug that I painted, which they made me pay 85nis for, would probably not even get a buyer in an art fare. 
If you do not want to experience the city itself, you can go to the Israel Museum. There, you can experience Egypt. 

Always be open for a Shidduch. People like to pry. Let them set you up. You never know what good ideas somebody on line with you at the supermarket might have. Line at Supersol? Chance for a shidduch. 'You like carrots, that is a kilo. She also buys carrots in kilos. You could have a bunch of carrot kilos.' You have carrots in common. She might know a girl and set you up with a somebody who likes mayonnaise and craisins. Next thing you know, you have a great carrot salad, and some kids with sight. Even better is getting set up at the cash machine. Hopefully you can get a good look at the finances of a future relative, and make a quick decision as to the possibility of a date, before checking anything up on Facebook.

  

Aliyah is fun at first, and then it turns into life. So do not commit to Israel. Vacation. There are rich people who will pay for your trip right now. Once you make Aliyah, you have to pay.

Point is, here is a restaurant guide. Let this lead you through the cracks of this beautiful city, with Waze. And do not visit your cousins, or anybody who will ask you why are visiting and haven't made Aliyah yet. I can not guide you through that discomfort.

I think that is all I have to say. 'We are moving. We are moving.'

JERUSALEM TOUR: Emek Refaim

A street where restaurants close. If you stand here for long enough, you will be able to see the closing and opening of a restaurant.
This is where I go when people treat me out for dinner. Emek Refaim is also where Americans go without fear of running into people who do not speak English.
The home to the original Burgers Bar, this area is the beacon of the Jerusalem dining business. The street connecting the center of the city to Talpiot and other areas, many vacationers enjoy the classy Israeli dining experience, by waiting for a table and noticing a random late shower cutting them on line.
We are in the Greman Colony area. Even so, nobody really knows where the German Colony is. And as such, the area is known as Rechavia. Like all neighborhoods in Jerusalem, it was established in the late 19th century. All that mumbo jumbo about Germans living here, is true. As should be noted, Greeks lived in the Greek Colony, right up the road.
Emek Refaim is more than a street. It is an area. An area where people cannot judge you for being religious and not frum. As such, there is a pool, a music school and the ICCY (which stands for something).
Along with Mamila, this area represents the melting pot of Jerusalem. The main goal of the residents is to get rid of the falafel places near the corner of Rachel Imenu St. So that one day, our children's children will not have to say, 'I live in the Middle East.'
The Templer sect of Christians, who broke away from the Protestant church to move to Israel in the hopes of greeting the Messiah, settled this area. As such, today, there are no Germans living here. The British forced them out in WWII. Thus, you will notice some beautiful homes that run along Emek Refaim and Beit Lechem streets. Homes which are built better than the homes in Baka. Homes which the world is fine with Israelis living in. To your left, you will notice the Templer cemetery, built with the traditional German architecture of tombstones.
Wait. That's a friend of mine. I am going to talk to them for three minutes. I have a reputation, and I must pretend like we are close. They have money....
We are back.
And now that the parking has been taken away from the non-residents of the Emek Refaiim area, we can stand here for a few more hours to see more restaurants closing.
A few years back, the residents of the Emek Refaim and Talbiyah areas, all part of Rechavia, fought against the building of a hotel in the area. Along with all of the existing residents, they figured that if somebody wants to tour Jerusalem (just as they do for a few weeks a year) they should also purchase and apartment. Some of the residents claimed it would kill the landscape and take away all of the grass from the Emek Refaim shopping area. Which, as you can see, there is that tree on the corner over there with that squared off meter of boxed in grass.
This is what Derech Beit Lechem would look like if the street was built wide enough for cars. One of the distinguishing factors of Emek Refaim is that here you can find people.

JERUSALEM TOUR: Baka

Look, immigrants. 
They believe they are smart, because they speak a better English than the average Israeli. The average Israeli thinks they are an idiot, because they speak Hebrew like an American.
People who live in Baka like to discuss books they did not write, because they do not live in Rechavia and do not understand Hebrew. Shai Agnon, who won the Nobel Prize for literature, lived here. Now Baka is the home to many Anglos who do not write, but do talk about Agnon; holding sophisticated conversations about Agnon's translated writings. Many even discuss his transliterated writings. Even so, sometimes the root of the word gets lost in transliteration.
You may also find a large population of French immigrants, who decided to claim Baka as their neighborhood. Trying to occupy the Baka area with French. What all the immigrants in Baka who purchased homes have in common is that they all made money before they made Aliyah, and they only live here for three months of the year.
The New Oleh population likes living in these originally Arab built homes. A very respectable population of left leaning educated people can also be found here, as they believe that it is wrong for them to be living here. Greatly appreciated, as they feel very guilty for the real estate they purchased, and do not believe they belong here. Which is why the American left-wing population only lives here for three months a year. The rest of the year, this population apologizes for being Jewish, and for the survival of the Jewish people, around the globe.
If you are on Rechov Tziporah, you can see my friends Deb and Chagai.
Gad Street is where Ulpan Etzion was. The memories of moving to Israel and being treated like an immigrant from back in the 1950s, were the experience at Ulpam Etzion. I still thank them for giving me the sochnut, Jewish Agency mattress from 1950, which gave me the firsthand connection with persecution of the Jewish people. As that is what immigration is about- connection. The Ulpan Etzion, language study- absorption center experience, allowed for the immigrants to take a second look at their Aliyah and leave Israel as soon as they had a chance to analyze it and settle in. It was a reminder that Jews do not make Aliyah for financial reasons, unless they are from a non-English speaking country. Jews make Aliyah for chocolate spread, the only nutritional food we were served at ulpan, along with burekas.
One of the few streets to allow for unpaid parking, on both sides, Gad St. is also the home of a soccer pitch of solidarity with the Third World. As a show of support for the Middle East, the grass has never been mowed.
It is extremely hot today. No problem. Drink water. Do not worry. There are no public bathrooms here. If you are embarrassed to go in public, nobody will see you going in the grass of the soccer pitch. It is very hot now, but again, do not worry. In 3 hours it will start getting dark and you will be freezing.

The main street here is Beit Lechem, where you can find less people than Emeq Refaim, a couple of blocks down. To get the Derech Beit Lechem experience, let us go down to Emeq Refaim.