Introduction # 2: Take Offense

OK. You know something. Take offense. At this point, I can care less.

Trying to pretend like you feel bad. Finally somebody cares about something enough to talk honestly about it. You still don’t understand that people move to Israel because it’s colorful. You don’t move to Israel because it is easy. It isn’t perfect. Nonetheless, I, the Anglo, am trying to make it more like an ancient Germanic tribal culture. It may not make much sense, but it is honest. We are called Anglos once we move to Israel.
If you are angry at me for my love of Israel and angry about this book, then please protest. That is called advertisement.
I am not claiming to be brilliant, but this book will probably help more people in their Aliyah, helping people decide to make that move. The move to a country trying improve itself, constantly making it worse. The truth is raw. But that is what most people, who want life, connect with. The world is not a non-profit organization, and this generation doesn’t donate as much as the last generation of Jews did.

Every racist has said he was speaking the truth. That is not the point I am making. I am not a racist. Every racist has said he is not a racist. I am also not a male-chauvinist. Every male-chauvinist uses ‘he’ to refer to both male and female. That is not the point, and I will continue to use ‘he’ to mean female too, even if I am not talking about Anglos. The point is that that there are not enough mini-golf courses. And I have no idea what to do on a Saturday. The point is that I now have to go to sleep early on a Saturday night. And there is no Sunday either. The point is that there are a lot of different Jews in Israel, and we all come together. We all know it is messed up. And it is that struggle that we all love. And there is nowhere to struggle and live, more than in Israel. We love the color of it. The life.
I want honesty. I want truth. I want Torah. I want Israel.
If you cannot handle ‘the truth,’ then you cannot handle Aliyah.

Every annoying person I have ever met has taken ‘offense.’ Annoying people with nothing to say love saying, ‘I take offense to that.’ It is as if the discomfort they cause is their rebuttal. As if the fact that they never shared an experience, or interacted with people who are connected with it, gives them the right to take offense.
Somebody says ‘offensive’ and they all gasp. Got to jump on the offense train, or you are also the offender.
Argue with a ‘that is offensive’ and you also have no soul. Who wants to be that guy at the group Shabbat meal? You can get ostracized for not sharing in an offense. A murderer, a felon of hate, a daemon with a non-racist opinion. No idea what the offense is to, but you must join in.
It is the same annoying people who sit at your Shabbat table and ask everybody to share a really ‘happy’ story that happened this week. You keep on doing that, and you might find one happy parson, who is pissing off everybody else at the table. I am offended by the length of this guy’s happy story.
You forget about the happiness found in the truth. The deeper happiness found in making the right decisions with every action you are blessed to do in your life. That is the happiness found in Israel. It isn’t easy. But we find real happiness, when we take our neighbors garbage and dump it on their doormat. That is called Tikun Olam (fixing the world). That is called making the world a better place. If I am not dumping garbage, what am I doing to make Israel better? Just taking offense.
We move to Israel, to be a light amongst the nations, from where the light emanates. It sounds better with biblical words, such as ‘emanates.’ Hence, to use another word which sounds real good, we look to better Israel. We move here to teach Israelis to not stand in the middle of a sidewalk, as to let people pass. We teach them to say ‘Excuse me.’ We educate them on new items, like deodorant, and how there is no reason to have an ozone if we cannot breath.
The point is that you only care to change what you love. And as an Anglo Jew who must live in Israel, I love complaining. For all of its faults, America has just as many things that need changing.
It is this blatant disregard for facts and feelings which are connected with the word ‘offensive’ that has so many Americans yelling out ‘Israel is wrong,’ with no idea. It feels good to be pro-hatred and anti-Israel. You can join me on this journey in my way of thinking. I too am offended by all of this.

Lesson:
-Don’t make Aliyah because it is easy. Make Aliyah because it is painful and hard.
-‘Lfum Tzara Agra’- According to your pain, is your reward. That is where you find the true happiness of Aliyah.
-Buy this book because it is not edited right.
-Truth is spoken by good teachers and racists.
-People who take offense are annoying. They kill every decent conversation. They have nothing to add to the conversation, but they love taking offense. That is their statement they learned while watching all the debate shows. You say ‘offense’ and now nobody can argue with you.
‘I am speaking the truth.’ That is how I won this argument. My response to the offense taker on Shabbat was, ‘You are annoying.’ As I was applauded, I won. I hope he took offense to that.
-Male-chauvinists refer to the general woman as ‘he.’
-People make Aliyah because they are connecting with something. And that thing is not a floatie, touchy feely fakeness. It is a touchy feely real.
-David thinks he is great because he made Aliyah.
-David does not bother people to make Aliyah, like every other Oleh who feels the need to constantly bother every tourist, about not living in Israel. He doesn’t like killing people’s vacation.
-David knows Aliyah is the right decision. He is offended.

***Show to be offended by- Thursday night, at 8:30pm, at Off The Wall Comedy Basement, (Hebrew show tonight at 9:45pm)

JOBS: Jews Are Mechanics

Mechanic is another good profession. We are in Israel and Jews that move from America have to do physical  labor here. Shameful. Embarrassing. I know.
The whole labor idea kind of killed my perception of a Jew. A whole life of owning garages, and now Jews were working in them too. In my first week at ulpan, I already realized that higher education was pointless. Even third grade was pointless. Addition and subtraction was enough. In ulpan they made sure I had down the third grade level, then they said, 'Go. That is enough for you to make it here, in your new homeland.'
I learned on the streets, as any manual laborer must. I became a person of the world. I even learned how to use a stick shift. I felt like I had become contaminated. I felt like such a low life.

A close friend of mine moved to Israel and is now working as a mechanic. He understands that when you move to Israel, the Jewish stereotype changes. We are not the weak Jew who has been oppressed our whole life and is now extremely rich. We are the Oleh who is the weak Jew, who is being oppressed by our fellow Middle Eastern employees, and is now extremely poor. But that is what those first few years are about; learning the way of the land. You have to shed that stereotype of the weak American and be that person that is not the fryer.
You must learn to do the frying. In business, there is a winner and a loser. That is the Middle Eastern way of life. There is no win-win. That is only in sports like Matkot. In the US, there is always a win-lose in sports; hence, in business, there must be a win-win. It starts on the basic level. Which cubical do you have? Do not lose the fight, or you will be the fryer. Never mentioned in conversation as it is happening, you will notice when all the dine pt. pens are taken, and you are stuck with the medium points. Do not do what you believe to be a favor, you fryer. Never hold the door for anybody. That would make you the weak, the fryer.
Americans know how to screw people over on a global level. However, that doesn't help when you end up getting cut in line and now have to eat semi-warm falafel. We did not grow up doing petty frying (verb for word fryer- see The Aliyah Dictionary for explanation. The reflexive verb would be Hitfrafreiti- where you screw over yourself), unless we had fruit and traded that for chips at snack time. Americans do not do frying, they use lawyers to screw people over. You don't hold the door, that is fine. You are not the fryer for doing me a favor, but I will find a way to sue you for offending me. You might have won the game, but I have your home.
In America, there is no room for petty frying games. It is all cut too right. You do not have to wait in line to see a doctor. But you will die with your healthcare, because you are over 70.

I know the physical labor concept sounds a bit harsh. Nefesh BNefesh and the Jewish Agency have been trying to hide it for years. They have not hooked up anybody with a job as business owner, and they will not admit to that. They did not mention labor when they said that there are jobs in Israel, and that is wrong. However, there are ways of getting around the physical labor.
You don’t necessarily have to do the labor. You can be the head mechanic that never touches a car and justifies to the people how it took 2 hours of labor to change a tire. Letting them know how hard it was, while taking 250nis an hour, for a 2 hour job that took 15 minutes is an art and a skill on which the mechanic profession is built upon. You are not the fryer. When you are able to look  into somebody's eyes and say, 'That tire was heavy, that is an extra 200nis,' you have won the game.
You will advance that much quicker in Aliyah process and acclimating to the Middle East way of life, as you learn how to rip off people that trust you. Reminds me of a beautiful song, ‘That’s What Friends Are For.’

Or you can scratch all of this, hold onto your values about caring for other people, and go back to America. When I say America, I mean any country where all is easy and the system of employment is simple and set and boring, as long as you pay $300,000 for an education. A country where parents expect you to leave the home and do 'something' with your life. Something means a job. I am obviously not talking to anybody from a third world country; meaning any country other than the US and Britain. That is just the way it is in the Middle East and we pray that value system in the workplace will come of age. We pray for that time when the American customer service makes it to Israel and they give us shoes for free. However, till then, try to keep your head held hi, as you lose all of your money to your mechanic.
You want to keep your work ethic alive. Well, be the only one and Gd willing, we will join you. You will be the one to bring the win-win to Israel. And hopefully, you will also stop them from playing Matkot, so that I can walk down the beach without getting hit by a ball. The only catch is that you have to get a real job here to make that happen. That is why you need to score your Protexyah. The only way to do that is to make friends with all those mechanics you work with. Next thing you know, you met the guy’s brother, whose name is Guy, and you are scoring free falafel balls while they are spreading your Chumus. And now you are on the front of the line, without even waiting. And you won't have to do anything. That is when you know you have made it in the Israeli work force. It is not about living in a mansion, it is about free snacks. Protexyah my Ach Sheli.

Lesson:

-Learn to do physical labor, so that you can tell other people it is hard and charge a lot.