Introduction # 2: Take Offense

OK. You know something. Take offense. At this point, I can care less.

Trying to pretend like you feel bad. Finally somebody cares about something enough to talk honestly about it. You still don’t understand that people move to Israel because it’s colorful. You don’t move to Israel because it is easy. It isn’t perfect. Nonetheless, I, the Anglo, am trying to make it more like an ancient Germanic tribal culture. It may not make much sense, but it is honest. We are called Anglos once we move to Israel.
If you are angry at me for my love of Israel and angry about this book, then please protest. That is called advertisement.
I am not claiming to be brilliant, but this book will probably help more people in their Aliyah, helping people decide to make that move. The move to a country trying improve itself, constantly making it worse. The truth is raw. But that is what most people, who want life, connect with. The world is not a non-profit organization, and this generation doesn’t donate as much as the last generation of Jews did.

Every racist has said he was speaking the truth. That is not the point I am making. I am not a racist. Every racist has said he is not a racist. I am also not a male-chauvinist. Every male-chauvinist uses ‘he’ to refer to both male and female. That is not the point, and I will continue to use ‘he’ to mean female too, even if I am not talking about Anglos. The point is that that there are not enough mini-golf courses. And I have no idea what to do on a Saturday. The point is that I now have to go to sleep early on a Saturday night. And there is no Sunday either. The point is that there are a lot of different Jews in Israel, and we all come together. We all know it is messed up. And it is that struggle that we all love. And there is nowhere to struggle and live, more than in Israel. We love the color of it. The life.
I want honesty. I want truth. I want Torah. I want Israel.
If you cannot handle ‘the truth,’ then you cannot handle Aliyah.

Every annoying person I have ever met has taken ‘offense.’ Annoying people with nothing to say love saying, ‘I take offense to that.’ It is as if the discomfort they cause is their rebuttal. As if the fact that they never shared an experience, or interacted with people who are connected with it, gives them the right to take offense.
Somebody says ‘offensive’ and they all gasp. Got to jump on the offense train, or you are also the offender.
Argue with a ‘that is offensive’ and you also have no soul. Who wants to be that guy at the group Shabbat meal? You can get ostracized for not sharing in an offense. A murderer, a felon of hate, a daemon with a non-racist opinion. No idea what the offense is to, but you must join in.
It is the same annoying people who sit at your Shabbat table and ask everybody to share a really ‘happy’ story that happened this week. You keep on doing that, and you might find one happy parson, who is pissing off everybody else at the table. I am offended by the length of this guy’s happy story.
You forget about the happiness found in the truth. The deeper happiness found in making the right decisions with every action you are blessed to do in your life. That is the happiness found in Israel. It isn’t easy. But we find real happiness, when we take our neighbors garbage and dump it on their doormat. That is called Tikun Olam (fixing the world). That is called making the world a better place. If I am not dumping garbage, what am I doing to make Israel better? Just taking offense.
We move to Israel, to be a light amongst the nations, from where the light emanates. It sounds better with biblical words, such as ‘emanates.’ Hence, to use another word which sounds real good, we look to better Israel. We move here to teach Israelis to not stand in the middle of a sidewalk, as to let people pass. We teach them to say ‘Excuse me.’ We educate them on new items, like deodorant, and how there is no reason to have an ozone if we cannot breath.
The point is that you only care to change what you love. And as an Anglo Jew who must live in Israel, I love complaining. For all of its faults, America has just as many things that need changing.
It is this blatant disregard for facts and feelings which are connected with the word ‘offensive’ that has so many Americans yelling out ‘Israel is wrong,’ with no idea. It feels good to be pro-hatred and anti-Israel. You can join me on this journey in my way of thinking. I too am offended by all of this.

Lesson:
-Don’t make Aliyah because it is easy. Make Aliyah because it is painful and hard.
-‘Lfum Tzara Agra’- According to your pain, is your reward. That is where you find the true happiness of Aliyah.
-Buy this book because it is not edited right.
-Truth is spoken by good teachers and racists.
-People who take offense are annoying. They kill every decent conversation. They have nothing to add to the conversation, but they love taking offense. That is their statement they learned while watching all the debate shows. You say ‘offense’ and now nobody can argue with you.
‘I am speaking the truth.’ That is how I won this argument. My response to the offense taker on Shabbat was, ‘You are annoying.’ As I was applauded, I won. I hope he took offense to that.
-Male-chauvinists refer to the general woman as ‘he.’
-People make Aliyah because they are connecting with something. And that thing is not a floatie, touchy feely fakeness. It is a touchy feely real.
-David thinks he is great because he made Aliyah.
-David does not bother people to make Aliyah, like every other Oleh who feels the need to constantly bother every tourist, about not living in Israel. He doesn’t like killing people’s vacation.
-David knows Aliyah is the right decision. He is offended.

***Show to be offended by- Thursday night, at 8:30pm, at Off The Wall Comedy Basement, (Hebrew show tonight at 9:45pm)

JOBS: Jews Are Mechanics

Mechanic is another good profession. We are in Israel and Jews that move from America have to do physical  labor here. Shameful. Embarrassing. I know.
The whole labor idea kind of killed my perception of a Jew. A whole life of owning garages, and now Jews were working in them too. In my first week at ulpan, I already realized that higher education was pointless. Even third grade was pointless. Addition and subtraction was enough. In ulpan they made sure I had down the third grade level, then they said, 'Go. That is enough for you to make it here, in your new homeland.'
I learned on the streets, as any manual laborer must. I became a person of the world. I even learned how to use a stick shift. I felt like I had become contaminated. I felt like such a low life.

A close friend of mine moved to Israel and is now working as a mechanic. He understands that when you move to Israel, the Jewish stereotype changes. We are not the weak Jew who has been oppressed our whole life and is now extremely rich. We are the Oleh who is the weak Jew, who is being oppressed by our fellow Middle Eastern employees, and is now extremely poor. But that is what those first few years are about; learning the way of the land. You have to shed that stereotype of the weak American and be that person that is not the fryer.
You must learn to do the frying. In business, there is a winner and a loser. That is the Middle Eastern way of life. There is no win-win. That is only in sports like Matkot. In the US, there is always a win-lose in sports; hence, in business, there must be a win-win. It starts on the basic level. Which cubical do you have? Do not lose the fight, or you will be the fryer. Never mentioned in conversation as it is happening, you will notice when all the dine pt. pens are taken, and you are stuck with the medium points. Do not do what you believe to be a favor, you fryer. Never hold the door for anybody. That would make you the weak, the fryer.
Americans know how to screw people over on a global level. However, that doesn't help when you end up getting cut in line and now have to eat semi-warm falafel. We did not grow up doing petty frying (verb for word fryer- see The Aliyah Dictionary for explanation. The reflexive verb would be Hitfrafreiti- where you screw over yourself), unless we had fruit and traded that for chips at snack time. Americans do not do frying, they use lawyers to screw people over. You don't hold the door, that is fine. You are not the fryer for doing me a favor, but I will find a way to sue you for offending me. You might have won the game, but I have your home.
In America, there is no room for petty frying games. It is all cut too right. You do not have to wait in line to see a doctor. But you will die with your healthcare, because you are over 70.

I know the physical labor concept sounds a bit harsh. Nefesh BNefesh and the Jewish Agency have been trying to hide it for years. They have not hooked up anybody with a job as business owner, and they will not admit to that. They did not mention labor when they said that there are jobs in Israel, and that is wrong. However, there are ways of getting around the physical labor.
You don’t necessarily have to do the labor. You can be the head mechanic that never touches a car and justifies to the people how it took 2 hours of labor to change a tire. Letting them know how hard it was, while taking 250nis an hour, for a 2 hour job that took 15 minutes is an art and a skill on which the mechanic profession is built upon. You are not the fryer. When you are able to look  into somebody's eyes and say, 'That tire was heavy, that is an extra 200nis,' you have won the game.
You will advance that much quicker in Aliyah process and acclimating to the Middle East way of life, as you learn how to rip off people that trust you. Reminds me of a beautiful song, ‘That’s What Friends Are For.’

Or you can scratch all of this, hold onto your values about caring for other people, and go back to America. When I say America, I mean any country where all is easy and the system of employment is simple and set and boring, as long as you pay $300,000 for an education. A country where parents expect you to leave the home and do 'something' with your life. Something means a job. I am obviously not talking to anybody from a third world country; meaning any country other than the US and Britain. That is just the way it is in the Middle East and we pray that value system in the workplace will come of age. We pray for that time when the American customer service makes it to Israel and they give us shoes for free. However, till then, try to keep your head held hi, as you lose all of your money to your mechanic.
You want to keep your work ethic alive. Well, be the only one and Gd willing, we will join you. You will be the one to bring the win-win to Israel. And hopefully, you will also stop them from playing Matkot, so that I can walk down the beach without getting hit by a ball. The only catch is that you have to get a real job here to make that happen. That is why you need to score your Protexyah. The only way to do that is to make friends with all those mechanics you work with. Next thing you know, you met the guy’s brother, whose name is Guy, and you are scoring free falafel balls while they are spreading your Chumus. And now you are on the front of the line, without even waiting. And you won't have to do anything. That is when you know you have made it in the Israeli work force. It is not about living in a mansion, it is about free snacks. Protexyah my Ach Sheli.

Lesson:

-Learn to do physical labor, so that you can tell other people it is hard and charge a lot.

JOBS: Smuggling is the Profit

'Kept SuperYads in Business'
(SuperYad is the business of a supermarket bag carrier I started, which turned into gifts)

The hardest part of running any successful business in Israel is knowing how to smuggle.
Smuggling your product into Israel is not easy. Many people have been caught with Marshmallow Fluff. For success, you must be able to smuggle your products past the tax authorities.
Once you take your bags off the carousel, you have to try to real quickly . Do not look at the customs staff. If you say 'Shalom' to them, you are risking confiscation of your stock. Greeting people in Israel is very suspect. This technique of the 'no look' can also be used in the Arab shuk- to ward off people calling you their friend, the Jewish shuk- allowing you to take sunflower seeds and rugulach with no pay, and walking anywhere and bumping into people without saying 'Excuse me.' People do not like initiating interaction with people. Same with customs. If you force them to say 'hello,' they will hold that grudge and check your bags.
The smuggling operation of US items made in China must be done by fitting all products into your bag. Nothing goes on carry on, as you do not want the extra weight to carry with you on the flight. You must fit all items into a 29 inch bag, without going over 50 lbs. That is what made the SuperYad business hard to run. The Superyads were too bulky, limiting me to an import of 100 items a run. Even worse, it hurt my ability to smuggle in the electronics.
Be sure to use whatever non-Israeli look you can. I use a baseball hat, as that looks American. Even so, there is still a chance of getting caught as an American, as that is where the products come from. Best to look European. No Dutch person has ever been caught for smuggling. If you can get a pair of clogs, walk through customs with the wooden shoes.
Every Oleh to Israel has had practice smuggling in electronics and whiskey. If you have two or more laptops, you have already had some practice. So don't think you do not have what it takes to be an entrepreneur in Israel.

To run the business right, you have to delegate the workload. Your main importers are family, close friends and friends of family visiting Israel. Pushing your product over the boarder in small shifts. This way each person can say, ‘I am bringing it for personal use.’
For this to work legally, you must have people who are willing to expand on the truth. ‘I am bringing it for myself, to give to David, to sell to other people, so that he will make money- which will make me happy.’ See, thus they are bringing it into Israel for their own use, and not for business. If they can, taping the products to the body also works well.
Starting a good smuggling ring in your American community is very easy. Most people are already used to bringing gifts. Thus, you tell your family to have them bring these gifts for you, to sell. They are already not telling the tax authorities that they are bringing gifts, as gifts are illegal to bring in too. At least it feels illegal to bring gifts when the security check asks you, 'Are you bringing gifts?' The way ask, puts the average tourist on edge; thus, accustoming them to saying they are not bringing any gifts.
I do not think that there has ever been a visitor to Israel with a gift, or an American product that they did not buy in Israel. My mother has grandchildren in Israel. For years, she has never brought them any gifts from America. But she has brought a lot of Teletubbies and Pokemon dolls for herself to use when she visits.
I have never met anybody who bought and iPad in Israel. Yet, nobody ever purchased an iPad outside of Israel. This is why we are the Holy Land. Miracles occur.
Smuggling the extra liter of alcohol is hard enough. SuperYad trafficking is a whole different league of hard. As, there is no use for your trafficking and it is very hard to find storage in your house. You could go the route of shipping them in. However, after you have paid the 500% tax and you have sold nothing, you start to realize that there is no point in your business. So, be sure you are smuggling in useful items, and not an idea for a business that I suggested to you. That is almost as bad as my giving you a stock tip.

I did get lucky recently and after seven years of storing the stuff in my room, I met a guy who also sells pointless stuff, like microwave plates. He sells this pointless stuff for a lot of money. Now I am selling the product to him for half of what it is worth, and I am in business. So you know, it is an amazing product and all three of the people that bought it, love it. It is the only conversation I have with them, whenever I pass them in a store or on the streets of Jerusalem. They make it a point to tell me, ‘I love that product…I forgot it at home again…when I used it that time I didn’t forget it, I loved it…I am thinking of getting my sister a granny-cart too.’
I was never involved in the granny-cart business, but I do hope they are enjoying the cart on wheels. I personally wouldn't pay that much for a cart. I recently purchased one from the supermarket, for 5nis. I put the 5 shekel into the cart and took it home too.
Point is, I am almost out of gifts, and now I am going to have to start smuggling in challah covers.

Lessons:
-Smuggle if you want to make money.
-Always carry an extra duffle when traveling to America.
-Dress European, to get past the tax authorities. Stuff in Europe is so expensive that nobody would smuggle from there. Lack of deodorant might also have them thinking you are from Israel, and then they might check your bags.
-Do not take any business advice from David.

JOBS: When Business Goes Bad

My first idea for a business was the SuperYad. It didn’t work.

I thought the name was clever. Super means super in Hebrew, and super also means big, and it even means supermarket. You following? Nice. I know. Yad means hand. So it means big hand too. It can also mean hand for the supermarket. Brilliant concept. Brilliant name. I know.

I’ll stop with the justifying. It was an upside down triangle. You can slip your bags on it. 

I had to close down the business because you cannot making a living off of 500 pieces. If I was selling 500 homes, I would have been set. I was selling a 35 cent item, for $2. I had a great markup going. Yet, I still didn't pull much profit. The calling it 'Super' 'Big' 'Huge' 'Large' racket I had going, was sweet. Worked right into the hands of the Huge neighborhood supermarkets of Israel, called Huge and Giant, because they are not makolets.

I had a whole ad campaign. I would go to the shuk and tell them: ‘This is a better product. This was made in Americaת and Americans are smarter.’ You have to speak to the people. The people I was selling to were Israelis. They know Americans are smarter. At least they assumed they are smart, as they speak a fluent English. Back fifteen years ago, that was a great sale. Now there are too many Americans in Israel, and the Israelis figured us out.

Another key to sales that I mastered was drawing the attention of the masses. You have to know how to draw them to your product. I used physical contact. When you bump into people or lightly touch people passing by, they generally turn around. It is a sales technique that works on countless levels, and can get you arrested. I took my chances. 

I put on a sales show too. I would take the upside down triangle, known as the SuperYad, and pick people up, or rip their pants. I would give the whole getting on the bus shtick and having to put all your bags down, with a guy screaming ‘Move faster- why wait us?’ Explain how apples go flying out of the bags, all the way to the other side of the bus- smacking people in the face, if you don’t have my product. The key to sales being that they have to understand why your product is different, and what issue is being solved. I made it clear that my product stopped the problem of flying apples on buses. Then I would talk about how painful it is to put down all your plastic bags in the shuk with each store you go to and then to have to pick them up. Point is I sold three.

After two years of sales, I still don't know what 'why wait us' means.

It was my business, which turned gifts. Just like every business my family ever started, such as the bookstore, the ice cream truck business, and the mirrors with the names on it- which we mass-produced with the name Ben (Jeremy and Hana were not happy with that gift; Ben was even more pissed off when he got three mirrors for his Bat Mitzvah). That is all it is, gifts that I found on sale. That is what my family does, we find gifts on sale. We don’t purchase real gifts for Bar Mitzvah boys. We find a watch that was $500. We pay $25 for it. The young man’s parents think we spent a bundle on their kid, until they go to the Christmas Tree Shop. 

In my family's tradition, I have been giving gifts. I even give wedding gifts now, because they don't know that I found the SuperYads on sale. People love the SuperYad, or give a shocked look when they get it. Either way, with all their disappointment, they are trying to make it look like they appreciate it. As long as the look is one of shock, it is close enough to appreciation. And that is enough comfort for me to keep on giving it. Many people also have two hands; allowing me to give them another SuperYad. 

I got my master's degree. I worked for that. When I made Aliyah, I decided to aim higher. I went straight to selling SuperYads. No formal education in SuperYad sales, I still shot for the stars. 

That is what matters. I came to Israel and I put my all into it. 500 units. Started a business. Maybe there is no business anymore, but it was the greatest investment I ever made. My friends know how much money I have saved on not purchasing candle holders or challah covers. If you live in Jerusalem, I know you loved it when I gave you that first, second, and even third SuperYad, for couples shopping. You smiled and even looked to your spouse for approval; letting you know that you can smile at David and he will go away. You even mistakenly invited me back, after you received  a full four SuperYads. But you smiled with a shocked look. Surprised that one person can have so many of the same gifts. Asking yourself how it is possible for one person to have such a big heart. The investment of friendship. To you, two dollars. A solid gift. For me, 35 cents.

JOBS: Your First Business in Israel

First couple of years, it is hard trying to figure out your way. Finding jobs is hard the first couple of years. Many people give up and become a security guard with no training in basic self-defense. 

You now realize that your college degree was pointless and you can't speak the language. But you will make it, because Israel is the Home Land and you have faith. You are in Israel, you are an immigrant and you are useless.

The real problem is family. If you have children, you have to make a living. Even if you just have a wife, they do not like living on the streets. All that romantic stuff and looking at the stars isn’t for them. The real romantics are the men sleeping under the stars next to Crack Square. Women aren’t romantic like that. Women want money. They are more into the diamond kind of romantic, the ‘you just spent $5,000 on me and you are going to be sleeping under the stars because you are now broke, while I find another man who can pay for this new house of mine’ kind of romantic. You can try making it look cool without a car. And it looks smooth when you take a woman's hand and say, 'Why don't you join me for a walk?' But when she is living with you, she knows that she is carrying the groceries home, because you have no car.

So if you are a family man, you need a job. You are married and the car is an expression of love. Without it, you won't have any.

So you can work for somebody, but who moved to the Promised Land for that? Become an entrepreneur. This is the start-up nation and you know nothing about technology.

Being that you have no idea what is going on, and you can plead ignorance if you can't pay your rent, because you don't understand the contract, you can start a business. That is the best way to lose all of your savings.

Starting a Business: I did this. This is the best option for somebody who doesn’t want to work like normal people and make money. If you like waking up late and showing up to work late, this is for you. The only issue is that you have no boss to complain about. As the foundation of any good job is based on a few hours after work, to complain about somebody else, it can get hard. You can complain about your staff, but you are a small business owner, and you cannot complain about your wife, when you go home. You don't want to lose your staff and your spouse at the same time. That happens, you don't need a job anymore.

For lack of a boss, every business owner complains about his job. I learned that my first couple of years in Israel. I learned that the most important part to having a business in the Middle East is to not have repeat customers. If there are repeat customers, you let them know how difficult it is to run a business. The first cab I got into, the driver was telling me how much he hates driving. Then he started getting angry about how people explain where they live and give him directions. As he didn't turn on his signal, I told him turn left. I asked the makolet guy how his day was and he gave me his financial statements. He started his speech, ‘Business is down. The raising rent. Check out my banking statements.’ I paid and told him to have a good day. I just wanted milk. 

Lesson was taken. 

Over the years, I have tried many legit businesses. It is hard. As a new immigrant, you are relegated to certain businesses. Here are a few businesses I was involved in:

- I tried opening a bathroom, charging a shekel. That went down when the hotel opened next door, and gave people bathroom use for free.

-I tried working security. Turns out people were lying when they said they didn’t have guns. They fired me when they realized I was learning Hebrew.

-I tried working in America, then I made Aliyah and I realized that my commute to work was very long- worse than commuting from Long Island to The City (New York that is, which is The City- at least Manhattan). I would have continued commuting, but I didn’t want to live in Chashmonaim. Chashmonaim is a town near Modiin and their slogan and ad is ‘Live in Israel, work in America… Have you not seen your family this past month. Are you not a sailor. Chashmonaim is the perfect place to leave your children. Let them run around and get lost. We will post the lost child on ChashmoChat for you…Want to live in America? Come to Chashmonaim and forget about Israel, until you pick up your groceries at Ram Levi.’

-I tried selling Ahava skin cream products in malls, but I wanted to live in Israel. I felt bad using the suggested sales technique of ‘You are ugly…now that you feel disgusting and are crying, buy this product and you might feel a little better about your uni-browed ugly self.’ The selling of Israeli products in the malls was the greatest idea. There are not enough tourists coming to Israel nowadays and it is important to export Israel’s number one product of scamming Americans. Ripping off Americans is what Israelis are good at. What is better than getting them to buy Israeli products that are packaged. 

  

Start Your Business. If you want to be creative and enjoy what you do. That is what I did and that is why I was not successful. 

You must be careful with taxes. At the time I started, I didn’t know that they take taxes. They even take taxes for having a place. The taxes on your location are not even on what you make. You can make nothing and they will still tax you on your location. My business was in minus (as they call it in Israel) before I spent a shekel.

Lesson: If you want to stay married, find a way to not pay all of your taxes. 

Either that or find a boss you fryer.

Protexia

Where is my Protexia? Is that another English word they messed up? Why is there a whole chapter on Protexia?
The Middle East is a tribal culture. You want to make it, figure out who your people are. This does not meant to get in good with the people in the Hi-tech world. Get in good with the people in the Hi-Tech world, if you want to make money. If you want to make it in Israel, you got to get in good with your Protexia. This, 'my friend,' is more important than a job.
You might have the job as the computer programming engineer. But just remember who is relaxing, sitting by his computer, watching reruns of 'My Friends' starring Ross and Josey. That guy is the one who has made it. He may not be able to hold a sophisticated conversation, or a job, but he is getting paid and 'my friend' is doing absolutely nothing. Anybody can get a job because they have knowledge or experience. That is easy. But those jobs come and go. 'My friends' can make you feel bad. 'He's my friends' can make a man feel guilty. That is job security.

It all starts with Protexia.
You have to get the ‘in.’ I never had the 'in.' Protexia is the in you have when you are able to get something, so minimal, without working for it. You score the Protexia and the next thing you know, you don't have to pay for the popsicle. You now have Protexia. You got the ices for free, and your friend stole from his boss.
To own a business. That is not Protexia. Getting the job is Protexia. Owning the business is inheritance.
Protexia is the in you have which allows you to not get screwed over. For example, if you are running a legal business, Protexia allows you to run that legal business. The Protexia gets the city to sign off on your business, which allows you the right to pay the 300,000 shekel a year, city tax.
Protexia can be manifested in many different avenues of life. Protexia may be used to help people get decent jobs in the army and any other menial job thereafter. Protexia can keep you living steadily on a 3,500nis monthly salary. If you don't know the conversion rate, you are one who has no Protexia in the religious community of Jerusalem.
Protexia comes from the word protection. Meaning, another English word that has been destroyed. It is the kind of protection you can only get from being on the inside of the cartel. They don't hand out silk suits in high schools. And they do not hand out an extra falafel balls in your Laffa wrap.

I did not know about Protexia when I moved to Israel. If Protexia worked in the US, I would have been set with a job as a nurse at the Jewish Home in Rochester. However, in America, you need credentials. That is useless in the Middle East.
Protexia is about receiving. There is no room for achieving in if you want to make it. Achievement has already been done. It is your job, your degree, what you have done in the past. Who cares about that? What is that going to get you? Wow, a doctorate. Look at you. The real question: Do you know Shmulik? If you don't, you are getting the milk that is expiring tomorrow.
Upon Aliyah, you have to question why you wasted time going to university. You have to start asking yourself the question: Why did I not drink more?
Once you come up with answers to these questions you will be feeling stupid for not having Protexia. You will feel like an idiot, as you have a degree and the ability to analyze why it would have been more financially worthwhile for you to have skipped college. You will be able to come to the conclusion that you are financially stuck because you did not marry a native Israeli. And now, because of your degrees and studies, a conversation with Shmulik is tedious.
But you are in Israel because of your love for the land and the people. That is why I have been working on my Protexia.

I have a masters. Useless. Degrees. Useless. Nurse, teacher, doctor, all other jobs where they expect a degree. Useless. Be a waiter or waitress, you get the tips. The real money is in the stuff you don’t have to report. Protexia. Lawyer. OK, one job you have to study for which can help with Protexia, once you get caught stealing ices.
Where can you find Protexia? Find the poorest neighborhood in your city, and you will find some real good Protexia. Don't let the money fool you. The people that are making it are not the ones with the big houses. They 'my friends' are not the friends with the guy at the Makolet. They don't know Shmulik. They might show up one day, and not get the newspaper. The newspaper which is sitting down there on the counter, waiting for you, because you know his name is not Shmuel. You know the importance of the word 'Achi'/my brother.
Saying 'my brother' to a man who cannot understand a word you say, because your accent is horrific, is your graduation certificate. It is just as good as being 'my friend' in the Arab shuk, when he wants to sell you something.
The problem with university is you wasted all that money and time, and they don’t teach you, ‘Do not report your income.’ And never have I been to a class where they taught me the word 'Protexia,' let alone mentioned it. Pointless. Five years of graduate school? Protexia! With the Protexia, they would have given me the degree. At least I would have been invited for a cigar with the dean.

To note, tour guide is a great job too. That is the world where Protexia meets professionalism. You go to a two year program and next thing you know, tips. You get paid and tips, which you do not report. Now you are in the world of making it in Israel.
The greatest part of the tour guiding is that when you went university, there was no way you thought you were going to be a tour guide. But you moved to Israel, your profession has no way of translating over and you like going for long walks and talking to 'my friends.' Protexia. You are not David the engineer playwright anymore. You are Dudu. And you are not friends with Shmuel. You are the 'Ach'/brother of Tzimi, the guy who works at the art store, who gives you kickbacks and also gets free popsicles from Shmulik, Achmads 'friends.'
The real issue is that you still don't have Protexia with Sallie Mae. And they want your student loans. To deal with that, you need 'Protection.'

That is a lot of Protexia writing here. A manifesto on Protexia, if I may say. I think we are all on the same page now. You and myself have no idea what Protexia is.
What I can tell you, is that if you are now studying Protexia, you are not with 'my friends.'

***David Kilimnick may be seen educating you on Jerusalem, every Thursday night @ 8:30pm, at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement and is now booking shows for his Tour of America, later this year.

JOBS: IDT Was The Job

INTRO
I did not move to Israel for a job. I had a career in America. I moved to get away from all that. All that need money to pay for stuff way of life. I moved to Israel to live a life of moral excellence and connection with Gd. I am broke.
There are jobs that require professional aptitude and abilities and even degrees. Nobody moves to Israel for those jobs. If you get those jobs once you moved to Israel, go back to America. They pay more. If you get that job in America, then you can move to Israel.

Jobs seem to be starting to come to Israel. I am happy to say, I don’t know where to find them. I am not a heretic. Maybe they are in what is known as the Merkaz. I think that means the middle of the country, or anyplace they care enough about that they don't want it bombed. I am sure the jobs are not in Jerusalem. I do think that Jerusalem is the Merkaz. Maybe I am wrong. There are no real jobs I can find here, so I guess I am wrong.
I don’t know what job I could do. Now, I am a comedian, running a club- Off The Wall Comedy Basement- corner of Ben Yehuda and King George in downtown Jerusalem, where I perform every week as an integral part of everybody’s Israel experience. You can come and see me perform, if you want to laugh and understand the details of Israeli society. That was a plug. As a comedian, I don't think I could do anything else with my life. Once you really commit to comedy, anything else just seems unfulfilling. Honestly, who really cares about youth at risk? I mean that. They are annoying. I am more worried about myself at risk around youth.
If I was in the regular job market, I would be stuck as a new immigrant, opening up bathrooms and charging a shekel. That is about all the ability I have as a new immigrant. Yeah, I might have a degree or two, but translate that to Hebrew and I am kindergarten.
I could always work in hi-tech. I could also learn about computers. But do you see me jumping at that. I have learned how to use Freemovies.Idon'tliveinAmeric.Ineverhavetopayforenterainmentagain.co.il. That is enough hi-tech for me. If I learn more hi-tech, I might as well move back to America. The closest thing I am going to touch which is hi-tech, is one of the new touch phones. And that is only because I can stream movies on it.

IDT Would Have Been Perfect for Me
I thought I could work at a call center. I felt that working a call center would fulfill my needs as an immigrant for lack of work gratification. Working a service center could give me that sense of non-accomplishment I was looking for as an immigrant.
Once you immigrate to a new country, you generally qualify as a person who's English is poor enough to work at a service center for any American company, working for customers in the US. At least I thought.
I think I was the first person to be rejected from IDT. That was 10 years ago. And now, I am the only immigrant in Israel to have never worked at a call center, or have done security.
IDT was the big call center in Israel. I missed out on the opportunity to be a real immigrant.

I don’t know much about the business. I think that being in a call center was not for me. I was new to Aliyah and I still spoke English as a first language, still not pronouncing the silent letters; that is not good for a service center. That did not throw off the customers enough to make them feel like they were supporting the Far East.
A service center needs somebody to stall the people on the other side of the phone, to get them more angry. They are supposed to call angry, and then be stalled to get more angry, and then they get to a point of anger where they are willing to kill themselves. That is when the manager can get on the phone to keep them alive and on the plan. After speaking to anybody from the Far East long enough, in English, you want to say 'yes' to anything with an American accent.
I thought they were giving all immigrants jobs. I was wrong. They were only giving jobs to people that weren't working in a profession. I was supposed to work a counseling hotline, because I have a social work degree. However, they realized that the only way to keep people on the phone long enough was to make sure that the person they were speaking to did not have a background in counseling. This way, the customer would stay on the hotline longer, trying to figure out why a counseling hotline had people who new nothing about help. The customers did realize that they did need help, and that is a start, worth paying $1.99 a minute.
I am not going to conjecture why IDT went down. Everybody, at the end of the big IDT Israel stint seemed to have been family. I mean real family. Not 'We are all Olim' family. I mean not skilled members of the family. I was meeting people from IDT with their job backgrounds. One guy explained to me the different positions, ‘Brother…in law….I am sister to…I am uncle emeritus.’ That is a legitimate job in Israel. Uncle emeritus is an important position. That is a position which needs to be filled by somebody who is willing to relax on shift. Most people who are not family cannot be depended upon to commit to not overly work themselves.

I never worked at a call center. And I blame that on the fact that have no relatives in the Merkaz.
Who knows? It might be because my English is good like this.