I am in
Israel- I love it. Now I must complain.
As much as
Nefesh BNefesh might convince you otherwise, Aliyah is not easy.
Why would
somebody make Aliyah? A question they only ask you once you have moved to
Israel. Usually asked by Israelis, in the past tense: ‘Why did you move here?’
They never ask before you come. They want to sucker you into it. This way, from
the time you make the move to Israel, you are a fryer. The homegrown Israelis
know that it is the Jewish homeland. That is why they can’t figure out why Jews
would move to it. They don’t warn you before you do it. They don’t tell you
while you are signing the Aliyah papers, ‘You are moving to the Middle
East…everybody else is trying to get out…do you aspire to live in a sandbox…you
might also want to move to Europe.’ You have to figure that out by yourself. It
is kind of like marriage. Everybody wants you to do it, so they tell you how
great it is. Afterwards, everybody is asking, ‘Why the hell did you do it? Why
did you give up your freedom? Now you are broke.’ Now you are stuck in a
relationship and somebody wants to take everything that is yours.
They treat
you soo nicely, until you move. They even plan for you to get some funding.
Then, you move and you meet the people at the municipality, you meet the people
at the ministry of interior, the people who drive the cabs, they teach you a
language and tell you that English is not the language of the land, they give
you a sochnut mattress from the 1950s and nine years later you are living in a
one room apartment, asking yourself ‘Why did I move here?’
Nobody reads
about the history. People get shocked when they show up and all the sudden hear
that their neighbors that they never met before want to throw them into the
sea. What does throwing into the sea mean? Why do they want to jump waves with
me? They don’t even know me. The guy at the shuk, whom I never met before, called
me ‘my friend.’ These people really like fun and selling me stuff.
I didn’t
even think about what I was giving up. I was just moving to Israel. I didn’t
think for a second that people wouldn’t want to hire a guy who doesn’t speak
the native language. If you don’t speak the native language in a country that
you are living in, you are disabled. A warning would have been nice. When I
made Aliyah, the sochnut and Nefesh BNefesh did not stress that being dumb in
the native tongue is a job deterrent. I would have already paid off my home
mortgage by now in the US. Now, I have no home and no mortgage. I want a
mortgage. I don’t need a home. I want to sound like a grownup. I also want to
be able to say ‘I am refinancing.’
I have
regressed. My years of Aliyah are my years of maturity. I am around 10 years
old right now, and I am the child that got held back 4 grades. I started
shaving way before kindergarten and I am still tracing my gimmel (that is a
Hebrew letter- at least I know that). I do not have the house I would have had
if I stayed in America, but I love Legos and me and my new friends have a great
time building with the jumbo size Legos. I want to thank the teachers for
making sure I do not swallow the toys.
I visited
America recently, to go shopping. To save money, I flew back to America to pick
up a shirt at Marshall’s. I picked up the shirt and flew back to Israel. With
the flight I saved $90. I am a smuggler. I smuggle because I found that if you
cheat the system you don’t have to pay the 250% tax for enjoying stuff in
Israel. If I bring in something enjoyable, the government does not get to enjoy
it too. I understand the importance of taxes and I respect it. They didn’t make
the product. They did make the law that they get 2 and a half times what the
product is worth for not making it. I needed a shirt that fit, and I could only
find that at Marshall’s. Ikea doesn’t have shirts that fit me, and I can tell
you that I do not want to pick up the new style Once Size is Tight on All at
Castro. I needed a shirt and I am sure that Bibi has a whole slew of shirts he
picked up in the $9.99 bin that he is not sharing with me.
I need an
Ipad I can afford, and I can only find that in America. So I smuggle, and I
don’t even think I am bad for that. I live in Israel. I am going to use that a
lot. That is my excuse for turning into a thief. And you immigrant friends, oh
please! As if you visit America for family. Visiting family in the US is just
an excuse to not have to pay for the hotel room while you are shopping. You
also go for the electronics. You alcoholic, smuggling in liters of whiskey,
using your children to carry your alcohol for you. ‘I can only bring in a
liter…my child is bringing in a liter for himself.’ Yes, I burn movies. I don’t
usually download, so I am not that bad; I am not the first one stealing. I am
the tape deck level thief. Stuff is too expensive and that is how you survive
as an immigrant. You steal, smuggle and start gangs.
I gave a
good life away. I have the right to commit low level crimes. Call me wrong, but
I don’t pay my TV tax. If you do, than you are an idiot. I don’t know where
that money comes from. I don’t know why I have to pay for a channel I don’t
get. I don’t know why I have to pay for a channel I don’t understand. I don’t
speak Hebrew well. I am an Israeli immigrant and I live in Jerusalem. If the
Israeli channel was FOX or NBC, then OK. That would at least make sense. Then,
at least the people living in Jerusalem would understand. If the channel that I
am paying for is Al HaragatYisrael, the station I do receive, then OK. But I do
not understand Arabic. I do think it is good that the main Israeli channels are
in Arabic. I once saw a show in Hebrew and I was very bothered that I
understood it. When I watch a show in Arabic, I cannot understand how bad it
is, and I like that.
I gave up
the 999 channels of American television. I even stopped watching American TV
shows. I miss the laugh track and people coaching me when to laugh. Now I have
to figure out what is funny for myself, and that takes too much thinking. I
miss flipping through channels. Now I have to watch a whole show. They didn’t
tell me I would have to download or stream every decent show I wanted to watch.
I gave away good mass production. I can find shirts for cheaper than $9.99 in
Israel, but I don’t like the disposable- one time use only- 2 thread count.
Why did I
make Aliyah? This is going to be a very long answer. Probably a couple of
volumes.
