Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Representing Israel in 'Funniest Person in the World' Competition

Am I the Funniest Person in the World?: I’m representing Israel in the Funniest Person in the World competition. (article, as seen on Jewlarious)

by David Kilimnick

I was chosen to represent Israel in the ‘Funniest Person in the World’ Competition.

Yes, really.

I don’t think I’m the funniest person in the world because I know the guy who is. I saw him at Venice Beach. He had no teeth, yelling at every passerby. That was funny. I am not that funny. I do not yell at people unless they pay to come to my show. Even still, being chosen to represent Israel somehow got me all sentimental.

For me, this is like the Olympics. Our sense of humor is our strongest muscle.

I have spent the last week and a half galvanizing a nation to vote for me (you can check out my competition video here). For me, this is like the Olympics. I am my country’s delegate. Is humor less of a sport? I am not in decent shape, but I do take a lot of pride in being Israeli.

I moved to Israel 13 years ago and never felt like I was fully part of the society. That is what gives me my comedic perspective. But now that I’ve been appointed Israel’s representative in the Funniest Person in the World competition, I realize that they have finally accepted me in Israel. That kills the humor of it.

Even still, I feel like I am now representing this adopted homeland of mine, Israel, to the rest of the world; the way Israel should be represented, with an American accent.

This Competition Is Made for Outsiders

I have always been an outsider. I grew up a religious Jewish child in North America. My class at Jewish day school had 11 kids. Outside of those 11 children I was never the normal person. And now, all of the sudden, I feel like I am a normal person. In Israel, it is normal to walk around with your Tallit, on the streets, on Shabbat. In any other country, I am weird. Most people do not talk to themselves when they leave a bathroom. When they need to pray on a trip, in most other countries, they do not stand in a phone booth for five minutes, and leave the phone on the hook. But I do all of these things.

I have to be honest with myself though – this is not the Olympics. Even so, the un-athletic Jewish people take just as much pride in their humor, as the Russians take in their weightlifting. Throughout persecution, we have exercised our humor. It is our strongest muscle. Yet, people can still beat us up.

With that out of the Way – Back to Me

As an Orthodox Jew, I never had the opportunity to take the regular path to comedy. In America, stand-up comedy was relegated to the night clubs, which usually require you to perform on Shabbat – problem for me. I also always wanted to play in the NBA, but Shabbat ruined that for me too. I am a good 5’8.” My vertical is 1’6.” I can reach the net with no problems. I also wanted to play professional football. I was excellent at two hand touch in Yeshiva. Again, shot down by Shabbat.

Then I moved to Israel. Suddenly, everybody was Jewish. The athletes are Jewish. The comedians are Jewish. Shabbat is…Jewish. Suddenly, comedy was an option!

Israel

Israel afforded me the opportunity to pursue a career in comedy and entertainment and for that I am grateful. It allowed me to connect to people through the language of comedy. A language I always spoke, but never expressed myself in. Israel made it acceptable for me to be humorist and a religious Jew.

Talk about a people, a nation. The audiences are a gem. The people of Israel know how to laugh. I have performed in many countries. The warmest and most genuine laughs always come from Israelis. This sensibility is what I present to my audiences in my routines. That is what Jews do. When there is naches, we share the pride with everybody. Like the fact that my mom is still showing the neighbors my papier-mâché project from third grade. Israelis know how to laugh and I want to share that laughter with the rest of the world.

Yes, America is great. But Israel is where I must be. Israel allows me to be who I am – a standup comedian yet still live a religious life. I perform at the club whose motto is, ‘As the comedic delegates of the Holy City, we view comedy as a necessary religious experience.’ My experience has been that humor brings us all together. Laughter transcends discussion.

Allow me to try and explain why I have gotten strangely emotional about this whole thing:

As it is our duty to be a ‘light unto the nations,’ I am honored and touched to be sharing the Israel that the rest of the world does not see: The Israel of laughter. The Israel of love. The Israel of self-deprecation. The Israel of happiness. This is the Israel that is the light that we want to share with the world. This is the first time anybody entrusted this basketball star that I am, to shine. To shine the light of our great country.

Please feel free to watch my video that was chosen for the first round of the competition, about Driving and Directions in Israelhttp://indi.com/7fzfx

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Kotel Experience for Yom Yerushalayim (as seen on Aish.com's Jewlarious)

Yom Yerushalayim/Jerusalem Day and Shavuot Night are two days when thousands of people from all over Israel flock to the Old City of Jerusalem and join together in prayer at the Kotel. For those who cannot make it for the holidays, I will take you on a spiritual tour of my experience at the Kotel, the retaining wall of the Great Temple which the Divine Presence never left, so you too can join in the celebration.

Men’s Side

My friend said to meet him at the Kotel. He said he was wearing a black Yarmulke.

I did not find my friend.

The Kotel was very crowded and I got yelled at. I found out later, the guy screaming at me was inviting me to join him in prayer. He was screaming ‘Mincha’ (the afternoon prayer). I ended up doing the afternoon prayer eight times that day. It wasn’t out of fear of God. The guy scared me.

The Kol HaOlam Kulo Circle at the Kotel

A bunch of people singing the famed Jewish song ‘the whole world is a very narrow bridge…and the main thing being not to fear.’ They started to sing this song right after they finished their afternoon prayers. Apparently, they too were frightened by the mincha guys yelling at them.

The Wall in the Back of the Prayer Section

That was built to keep the creepy people away. You can see them all peaking over. A bunch of Peeping Toms. We know you are there. Sickos.

Notes in The Wall

This tradition probably began back in the days when most people did not have access to Israel. Recycling was not an option at the time, and littering was illegal. So people had their friends bring their papers to the Kotel. This gave a sense of connectedness, knowing that their clutter made its way to Israel as well.

Sticking notes in the Wall can become addictive. I knew I had to stop bringing notes to the Kotel when I found myself caulking my bathtub with little bits of paper.

Papers on the Floor

Many people have a tradition of writing notes and then discarding them at the Kotel. Some people have a tradition of sticking the notes in the Wall. Other people have a tradition of not cleaning up.

Disturbed by the lack of cleanliness, I picked up a few of them and read them. Apparently, a lot of people want health. There were some who want the strength to do good. Others want a female Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle doll. Each and every one of those notes touched my heart, as I learned we are all connected in prayer. I was especially moved by Michael from Toronto. We are with you buddy. One of your teams might win a championship someday.

Kotel Bar Mitzvah

You can see a bunch of men standing over the kid, waiting for the moment where they can tell him that he did something wrong. You can see the men, intent and ready, as they wait to berate the child.

Bar Mitzvahs are a Jewish ritual where we reprimand a 13-year-old in public, for making mistakes while reading the Torah. It’s beautiful.

In recent history, parents have made it a practice to bring the child to the Kotel to celebrate this coming of age, the acceptance of Mitzvot and older people telling you what to do. The additional people found at the Kotel allows for a more nationalistic feeling of collective abuse.

After he is finished reading, they whipped candies at him. As I learned, this is mainly done at the Kotel on Mondays and Thursdays, when the Torah is read. Shabbat is another good time to whip candies at children. By the time they got to pelting this young man, another 50 people were there to join in the public candying flogging ritual.

Paper Kippahs: Origami Yamis

This man is making kippahs with the art of Jewish origami. What makes Jewish origami different is that we use staples. You can also use the Jewish origami tradition to decorate your sukkah with paper chains. You origami it with staples and your chain is made twice as fast. Brilliant!. I am surprised the people of the Far East never figured this out.

What it Looks Like When you Wear a Paper Yarmulke

An idiot.

This kind of kippah is what keeps non-religious people away from religion. I don’t even think that this upside down nacho tray is connected to the right side of my head.

If you are lucky enough to find a cloth kippah at the Kotel, take one. Nobody will notice. The security guard is too focused on the origami yamis.

That Man Without the Blanket

The Temple was known as a house of prayer for all nations, but this guy is taking it too far.

Even if he is protesting the lack of subsidized housing, this is just plain wrong...On the other hand, I was impressed by this man’s sense of calm as no matter how hard they tried, he didn’t let the afternoon prayer guys get to him.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

How to Enjoy Israeli Independence Day Like an Israeli (as seen on Aish.com)

How to Enjoy Israeli Independence Day Like an Israeli: Start your celebration with a “Mangal” – which is an Israeli BBQ that is too small to cook on.

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Check out the Link Above to Jewlarious @ aish.com

There are many ways to celebrate Israeli Independence Day – Yom HaAtzmaut. In Israel, some throw confetti. Some take white foam and shpritz others that will not appreciate it. I take the white foam cans from the children and whack them with it. However, the one tradition that all Israelis share is the BBQ at the Park. This is pretty straightforward so if you want to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut like an Israeli, here’s how:

Make a Mangal

Known as the Mangal, and Al-HaEsh/on the fire, the Israeli BBQ should be too small to cook on. It is traditionally the size of a matchbox. If it can fit both a hotdog and chicken wing on it at the same time, it is too big.

You can find these contraptions for outdoor cooking in Israeli grocery stores, such as Super, Giant, Mega, Great, Huge and Gadol (apparently Israeli supermarkets like to emphasize their size). These supermarkets will also provide you with the necessary food items for the family, such as 50 gram bags of party size Doritos.

To add to the feel of the holiday, yell at the family. If they complain, you can respond with, ‘You just had half a hotdog an hour ago. Think of the other people for once!’ Then justify the lack of production, by having people think you are cooking with a crockpot, with sentences like, ‘It is time-cooking, takes time.’

To make it a fuller Israeli experience, talk with as much of a lisp as possible. You should also remember to pronounce every silent letter that is not supposed to be there, such as the ‘e’s in ‘people.’

Remember, holidays are about memories, not enjoyment.

Do Not Eat Falafel

No real Israeli eats falafel on Yom HaAtzmaut. We are celebrating freedom on this day. We are not celebrating the fact that we are located in the Middle East. We are trying to forget that today.

I understand that your diaspora community serves falafel on this day, but we Israelis celebrate Israel. We are not celebrating overuse of oil today. We do that on Chanukah.

Purchase Chicken Dogs

I don’t get it. But that seems to be what people do in Israel. The fact that they look like beef dogs before they are cooked, adds something to the holiday. Again, I do not understand how people are satisfied with this lack of enjoyment.

Wave at the Fire

The number one Israeli tradition on Yom HaAtzmaut is to Nifnoof. Nifnoofing is the way to keep an Israeli mangal going. Nifnoofing is a process of waving your arm and a cardboard box you found near the trash at the playground, in hopes that your fire will not stop, by greeting it.

Skip Work

No Israeli goes to work on Yom HaAtzmaut… or Wednesdays. Not working is a tradition in the Holy Land, as we have belief in God.

Go to the Park & Occupy It

Don’t just do the BBQ. Go to a crowded park and share in what the world calls the occupation.

Bring chairs. A lot of families like to bring couches and tables, so that the other people know that they are moving there. You might want to put together a moving team to help with your refrigerator.

It is almost impossible to find a place in the parks on Yom HaAtzmaut. After searching for 5 hours you will find many dads protesting, ‘We have found a spot, we are not leaving…I can care less if you are tired.’ To show solidarity, you can pull out a bed and box-spring.

Israeli Dancing

What has been called Israeli Dancing for the past 60 years is known by three people in Israel.

Many people think circle dancing is Israeli. That is not true. Israeli Dancing is a side to side hop jump. It is used by all people of Israel. Be it at rallies, protests, parades, weddings, bar mitzvahs, or Torah dedication parties, it is the side to side jump step. You can start your own Israeli Dancing line, by hopping from side to side, twice on each foot.

You can do this at the park as well – we Israelis are not ashamed of anything.

Bring a Portable Speaker to the Park

This will allow you to connect with the Israeli tradition of playing the music you like extremely loudly.

Play Football on a Basketball Court

You will see this at the park. I am still trying to figure out why every basketball court in Israel has football goals.

Sit in Traffic

You can connect with the day of no work in the country, the inter-city travel of every citizen and the parades, by finding the longest traffic light in your city at rush-hour.

Go a step further by stopping your car and causing traffic yourself. This will cause other people to beep, making you feel like you are in Israel proper.

Wave Israeli flags

Flag waving is a huge part of the holiday in Israel.

If you live outside of Israel, buy an Israeli flag for your car and hang it out of your window. You will know you are celebrating correctly if you get beeped at. If people stop yelling at you in disgust, check to make sure your flag is still there.

For A Relaxing Yom HaAtzmaut- Leave your Kids at Home

I have seen way too many soccer balls land in BBQs for any parent to enjoy their holiday. I have never seen a parent smile while serving their child a $22 steak.

If you make a mistake and bring your children along to the park, distance yourself from them. However, be responsible and keep them within eyeshot. You might want to bring something with a scope on it, to show you are a responsible parent.

If you follow through with these suggestions, you will have a very Israeli Yom HaAtzmaut

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Praising the Land of Israel- Published in Jewlarious

http://www.aish.com/j/f/Praising-the-Land-of-Israel.html
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Praising the Land of Israel

In honor of Tu B’Shevat, singing the praises of the Holy Land.

by David Kilimnick

Tu B’Shevat, otherwise known as Rosh Hashana for the trees, is a holiday that emphasizes our connection with the land. And what better land to emphasize than the Holy Land?

Many have adopted the Kabbalistic tradition of celebrating Tu BShvat with a Seder, so allow me to enrich your Tu B’shvat seder by presenting you with some praises of Israel: the food, the inventions, the people, and I even threw in some questions for the holiday so you can engage the children. It’s all about the children.

Israel found a way to put something in hot water for 25 hours that will not become soggy – theShkeidei Maraksoup nut.

Land of Brilliant Inventions

All people fight the boycotts of Israel by mentioning Intel. That doesn’t stop the anti-Semites. You have to hit them where it hurts. Israel invented Shkeidei Marak (soup nuts). Israel found a way to put something in hot water for 25 hours that will not become soggy. Let it be known, ‘Boycott Israel and do not enjoy your soup.’

While enjoying your vegetable soup, with some fruit, this Tu B’Shevat, add in some soup nuts, enjoy yourself and put on some weight even while going vegetarian.

Land of Happiness Brought to You By The Na Nachs

In other countries, you cannot get out of your car in the middle of the road and start dancing. Here in Israel, it seems to be encouraged.

There is no greater form of happiness other than that shown by the official Israeli jump dance. The Israeli Jump Dance, hopping on one foot and then the other with no sense of embarrassment, may be seen at weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, protests, and by Na Nachs everywhere.

To understand what Na Nachs are, just think Hasiddim but really happy. Like, happier than is allowable by law.

Land of The Bible

Here, you can feel the connection to history. I even had the chance to visit the Biblical Zoo the other day, where I was able to see all the Biblical animals, such as penguins. There were also Biblical kangaroos.

History is all around us. All looks ancient in Israel. My landlord hasn’t redone my apartment in 60 years.

In Jerusalem, I ran into somebody who told me he was Joshua of the Bible. I ended up giving him a 5 shekel coin. He seemed quite surprised. Needless to say, I wasn’t impressed with his prophetic abilities. As I told him, ‘You should have seen it coming.” I myself am not a prophet. Even so, I can foresee that if you do not have a job, you are not going to make money.

Land of Sportsmanship

We have a beautiful sport called Matkot, played only in Israel, with two rackets and no net, and no winner. The objective of the game, as I learned while not participating, is to take a little ball and to hit people who are taking a leisurely walk down the beach.

Israel Celebrates Nature

We have a whole holiday to celebrate dried fruit. Most people throw out their fruit once it withers. We make it festive. At the time that fruit goes bad, we give it that extra few days. That is when we eat it. How about that PETA?

People Care- Not Just A Country

I have been set up by women who didn’t even know me. I do not know how they knew I was single. It might have been the smile on my face. Most recently, a matchmaker who set me up on a date didn’t even see my face. We were standing in line at a cash machine. She saw my balance and knew I was good for her niece. I said I didn’t want to go on a date with a stranger. And as any good Jewish mother, she told me that I needed to, as I am old and extremely desperate, and I wasn’t going to do any better with my credit rating.

When I got my new car, from 2002, people weren’t just telling me to enjoy it. They said ‘Titchadesh’- ‘Make it new.’ Commanding people to enjoy something they just got. Where else do people care that much about other people’s enjoyment and intrude on their feelings?

Heart and Faith

Ethics of the Fathers teaches that a tree that has strong roots will not blow over. The people of Israel keep our positive attitude, due to our strong roots.

We do not let terror affect us. I heard about an attack when I was at a restaurant. The restaurant was packed. In the face of terror, we go out. Fighting terror? How? Eat shwarma. That is how we do it. Israelis do not give into terror. We are strong. When it comes to fighting back, we go out and eat.

Most of the world is ridding oil from their diet. We have made grease the main recipe.

Then you see soldiers praying in the army, with tefillin on, in the middle of war. So much faith. On a related but different note, what other army has 90% of their soldiers smoking in a combat unit? As I said, a lot of faith.

Crossing of streets? People don’t even look. Complete faith. The youth even walk across the streets on their cellphones, texting. God leads people in the land of Israel.

Friday, March 4, 2016

18 Reasons for Making Aliyah- Published in Jewlarious

http://www.aish.com/j/f/18-Reasons-for-Making-Aliyah.html
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1. Move Somewhere Warm

I was from Rochester, New York. I love Rochester, but it is cold, and older American Jews move someplace warmer and change their name to Bernie. I figured, I could move to Jerusalem and live with Americans, or I could move down to South Florida and live with Israelis. I chose Jerusalem

At around 60 or so, my name will also be Bernie.

2. You Don’t have to Work

This beautiful country gives you money to make Aliyah. With some additional money from Nefesh B’Nefesh that can get you through a year or two in Israel. Enjoy that vacation. You deserve it. You moved.

After receiving some graduate degrees in America, I realized that people had expectations. As an immigrant, nobody has any expectations of me. My Hebrew is on par with my three year old Israeli niece.

I am an immigrant. That is an accomplishment right there.

3. Fear & Anti-Semitism

Rochester’s company, Kodak, hadn’t been doing well and I wanted to get out of there before they started blaming it on the Jews.

Many people from non-North American countries move to Israel because of fear. Does that mean that we are indebted to the anti-Semites of the world, who have helped more Jews in the Aliyah process than all of the Jewish Agencies and Nefesh BNefeshes combined?

4. The Need to sell Dead Sea Products to Americans

Hand creams can only be sold illegally in malls by non-American citizens.

5. Love of Jewish People

If you truly love Jewish people and want to complain about them, Israel is the best place to be.

6. Don’t Hide your Judaism

People don’t hate you for being Jewish in Israel. They hate you for being annoying.

You can wear a yarmulke on the highway. You do not have to wear a baseball hat. They already know that you are Jewish. You can’t hide it. And to those who wear the hat in America, they know you are Jewish too. Wearing a suit and a baseball hat kind of gives it away. Showing up to the movie opening up a can with a baseball hat on, smuggling in all those snacks – they know.

In Israel, the only people wearing baseball hats are the tourists from China.

7. Kosher Burger King

The first time I saw the sign I was in awe. ‘Whopper’ written in Hebrew. Hamburgers ready before I ordered them. I felt something special that day. I believe it was a prophetic calling telling me that the days of the Messiah are upon us.

8. You Hate your Family

That is why I respect the old Olim (immigrants to Israel) from the first modern Aliyah back in the 1800s. They took boats, they walked through barren wilderness, they never wanted to see their families again.

I am not suggesting that this is the best reason for Aliyah. But you will see them a lot less. That’s just a fact. For many, that’s a big plus.

9. You Feel that Silent Letters in English should be Pronounced

Make the move to Israel and pronounce the ‘i’ in Lincoln, the ‘k’ in know, and the ‘t’ in listen.

10. Land of our Ancestors

After I moved, my mom showed me our family tree. Perhaps, I should have moved to Brooklyn.

11. Torah

You care about being a Jew and practicing your religion. What, am I crazy for suggesting that as a reason?

12. You Love Jewish Holidays

Everything is a holiday in Israel. You have Yom HaAtzmaut, Yom Yerushalayim, Yom Revi’I (I want to thank my friend Matt for that Hebrew joke). I will translate it: You have Independence Day, Jerusalem Day, Wednesday. Maybe that sounds funnier in Hebrew. I know the English there does not work. If you do not understand the Hebrew, think of it translated into Hebrew and you might enjoy the process of not understanding it in another language. Point is, holidays are celebrated all the time. For whatever reason, nobody is working on Wednesday. Banks are closed at weird hours. Maybe they feel it is the Jewish Homeland, and nobody should have to work at home.

13. You want to Find the Tree that the Jewish National Fund Planted for you

The Jewish National Fund took money from me every Tu BShvat holiday, from the time I was in kindergarten and I never saw the tree with my name on it. I am on a mission to find it.

14. Love of Subtitles in Movies

In Israel, all movies are viewed with subtitles. Even better, after reading a movie you rarely hear conceited people say, ‘The book was better than the movie.’

15. You Have to Move out of your Parent’s House

The final realization that I had to move to Israel took place in my parents’ home at 3am. I was watching TV. My dad came down and asked, ‘David- why are you watching TV? It’s 3am?’ My immediate response was, ‘Because I can. I am 25 years old.’ I knew that it was 3am, because it was 3am. If I wanted to eat hamburgers at 3am, I had that right. So I made Aliyah. Burger King is kosher and I wanted to eat Whoopers at 3am.

16. Felonies

This is probably the number one reason to move away from your place of birth. If you got caught, running is the best option.

If making Aliyah for a felony or any kind of avoidance of payment, be sure you never have to visit again. Be sure to take all you will need for the next 40 years in your two bags the airlines allow for international flights. If you like Entenmann’s doughnuts, take as many boxes as you can. Maybe prepare a lift for yourself of doughnut holes. Do not set yourself up for any trips back to your native land for a hankering.

17. You like Shopping in an Aggressive Atmosphere

Nothing can take the place of somebody yelling the price at you. The only thing that can rival the passion of the souk salesman is a price tag. And even that, you do not see all the time.

18. Jewish Homeland

In Israel, love is expressed through reprimanding. For the feeling of intimacy, you need the right people yelling at you. I cannot express the gratitude I have for all the random Israeli strangers who have yelled at me, for reasons I do not know. I have not felt that kind of warmth since I stopped living in my parents’ house.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Style Ends With Aliyah

Style Ends With Aliyah: You can tell the year that someone moved to Israel by the clothes that they wear. Here’s how. (Published @ Jewlarious)

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Style Ends With Aliyah

by David Kilimnick

# You can tell the year that someone moved to Israel by the clothes
that they wear.

You can tell the year that
someone moved to Israel (Aliyah) by the clothes they wear.

You make Aliyah and your wardrobe
is set for the rest of your life. Style stops when you are not willing to pay
more than 35 American Dollars for a new pair of pants that you have to iron. They
might sell it in Israel, but I do not buy anything when I can get it cheaper in
America. That is my motto, and I have held onto it since I moved to Israel thirteen
years ago. I have not purchased anything inedible in Israel, since my Aliyah. A
few times, I even surprised myself by buying dinner.

Us American Olim have a warped
sense of this American style we hold so dear. And that style is at a permanent
place in time, from the eternal day that we made Aliyah. The day where America
was perfect and people had personalities. A time when Marshalls and Kohl's were
a place I could be proud to shop at. A time when one could be proud to flash
that 20% off coupon. A time when all stores gave that lifetime guarantee. Ah…

OK, here are my Ways to Tell the
Time Period of the Immigration:

Immigrant by Clothes

Walk the streets in Israel and
use my cheat sheet below to ascertain their exact year of Aliyah:

Polo symbol on shirt- 1985

Tommy Hilfiger- 1996

Girbaud sign on jeans- 1993

Shoulder pads - any year in the
1980s

ACDC shirt- 1979

iPod shuffle on sleeve- 2008

bell-bottoms- 1971 or 2006

corduroy - hand-me-downs from any
decade

Jean skirt - any girl who is
still in seminary

Members Only jacket - 1987

Non-ironed shirt with fraying
collar – 2003

Anything you put on an iron- pre-1998

Anything brought to a cleaners,
to make sure it is spick and span –trick question as this person still lives in
America

Immigrant Suit

The Aliyah truth is most evident
with suits. People may travel back for shirts and pants, but never does one buy
a new suit in Israel. Israel is a once a year suit society. You do not need
another suit, unless you are getting married twice that year. For the once a
year when it’s required, I am fine wearing my bar-mitzvah suit. I have had a
growth spurt since, but I am fine with my socks showing.

For a fun activity, sit outside
of any synagogue on a Friday night and you can tell. The guy walking with a
double breasted suit, he made Aliyah in the 1980s. Three piece suit - anybody
who thinks they are important or from Europe, or perhaps a hand-me down. No
suit jacket- an immigrant who thinks he is Israeli; meaning, just moved to
Israel within the past two years.

Immigrant Hair

Aliyah is a vortex of style. You
leave America and you do not realize that there have been changes. Some people
never saw Cheers, never heard of Simon & Garfunkel. Some youth never used
mousse in their hair.

When it comes to hair, people
think that the way they left America is the way ‘cool’ is. I know people who
still think it is the ‘in thing’ to have a step.

OK, here’s my Aliyah hair cheat
sheet:

Step in your hair- class of ’89 or
any fan of Bell Biv DeVoe

Girls walking around with a poof
in the front of the hair - 1983-88, or girl in seminary wearing a jean skirt.

Bangs- 1960s, a girl from the
'80s or a Beatles fan.

Top hat - 1920s or magician

Baseball hat- Jew who moved from
America who still thinks non-Jews are judging him in Israel

Goatee- single guy, or rabbi from
the 1960s

Comb over- Aliyah from any
generation, with no pride.

New Clothes of Old Immigrant

Those of us who made Aliyah many
years ago may still buy new clothes. It is a rare occasion that will only occur
on Entenmann’s purchase trips back to the US. However, we are committed to our
past. The clothes that we are buying are the ones that don’t have the hangers
anymore. The new clothes of the Oleh are the ones that have 6 red tags, for
each time they have been returned. The kind of clothes that I have gotten money
from the store for purchasing.

When I go back to America now, I
still ask for checkered shirts. I made Aliyah in 2003 and checkered shirts were
cool then, in the Latino communities. I even wear it with the bottom buttons
unbuttoned and the undershirt showing, with a bandanna. I have a friend who made
Aliyah in 1985 and he still goes to the Benetton, looking for jean jackets.

New Fashion Trends

I am not a fan of the new
“stylish” clothes that stick to you. That is what the kids are wearing
nowadays. That statement means I am coming up on forty. Skinny pants are in and
my nephews look wrong. I guess this means that my Aliyah pants are beginning to
look stylish, as I have put on 30 pounds the past 10 years.

We may give up clothes that fit,
but we do not need to give up our souls! That is how you know who is committed
to staying in the Holy Land: if you see
somebody wearing clothes from a different century, that do not fit right, you
know, that that guy’s not going anywhere.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Bill #3: Must Allow New Immigrants to Ease into Israel (Political Platform for Better Israel)

Problem:

Most young immigrants are taught about Israel on Birthright or some other trip that other people are paying for.

Immigrants think everybody is going to be nice and happy, then they move and find out there are neighbors in Israel, as well. Too many people move away, because we have not eased them into the Middle Eastern way of life. It takes time for people to understand the true beauty of Israel. The 200% off sale, where you still have to pay for the item, does not make sense until one is a veteran of The Land.

Experience for Cause of Change:

I noticed this excited young group of tourists. Birthright showed them how great Israel can be, when you are on tour. They were all taking in the full experience of waking up, like Israelis, in a hotel with a buffet breakfast. They stayed in tents, experienced the exact way Bedouins live. They became one with the same wilderness the Bedouins visit, to help tourists feel like there are Bedouins there. Everybody they met in the Middle East smiled at them. Even the Bedouins gave them a happy glance and then went back to their house in Arad.

They witnessed the beauties of the Israeli gift shops and then tipped their tour guides and bus drivers, happily. Their happy tour guides and bus drivers who already got their 10% kickback, from the 200% off sale at the Masada gift shop. It was all beautiful and normal. They were eager to wake up at 3am to go to Masada, because that is what Israelis do, everyday. At sunrise, 200% off made sense for these tourists. These young tourists connected with the real way of life in Israel, like it was 2,000 years ago.

They were ready to make Aliyah, and they did. 'If the people of Israel can rough it out in a hotel, paid for by Schotennstein, we can too,' was the motto chanted on the bus to Masada.

Five months later, I ran into these same young excited tourists at their absorption center Ulpan (language study). They asked me why the 10am dinner was chocolate spread. They were surprised to find out that supper was a Baraka. They had no idea that they were supposed to fill up at lunch. Nobody coached them. They were thrown into a whirlwind of eating times, and didn't even know what the need for a 10am dinner was, after an 8:30am breakfast.

Three months later, when they realized Nefesh BNefesh was not going to provide lunch anymore, they left. They were not ready. They were not eased in. Nobody explained to them why a four course lunch is followed by a supper of some sort of soft filo dough.

It takes four years before somebody is committed. It takes eight years before people realize that they cannot go back to their native land, as they have forgone all their professional aspirations.

SOLUTION:

Acclimation plan for a keeping Olim from moving

-Israelis must share the sidewalk with the Oleh until 4 months in. At that point, you can walk straight on the sidewalk, not moving aside for other people who might also walk on sidewalks.

-Celebrating Yom HaAtzmaut? Shaving cream cannot be sprayed on somebody until their third Yom HaAtzmaut in Israel. It is only at that point that an immigrant has given up on looking decent, and is willing to take the can and whack a child with a spray can. It is about breaking them in slowly. First Yom HaAtzmaut, immigrants are only to do Israeli dancing to the traditional Israeli Latin songs.

-The sochnut (Jewish Agency) 2 inch mattress, which accentuate the metal grids frame, can only be used in the absorption center 5 months in. Have it be the last lesson in Ulpan, about survival. Many of my friends left after not getting a decent night's sleep. It is an absorption center, not a detention camp. The sochnut got stuck in the Atlit idea of immigration. At least there, they had wooden frames.

-Cutting off a driver can only start a year into the person's Aliyah. If you see somebody using a blinker and not jumping into your lane without looking, take it easy on them. They are probably new to the country. They have probably not seen the 'half maybe I might make a left hand turn- stop in the middle of the intersection- turn.' They are also not used to being beeped at a red light, because it might turn green.

-You cannot serve tap water to an immigrant until one and a half years into their move. Let them have their first run in with shishul, and then show them what the inside of the kumkum (plastic kettle) looks like.

Cabs are not allowed to beep a person while walking, until they are 2 years in. This will be hard on cab drivers, as it is a reflex for them to beep all walkers.

-Israeli salesmen of Dead Sea products are not allowed to approach an immigrant until 3 years in. It is too close to their Aliyah. They might become nostalgic and want to move back to go shopping at an America mall. It is also only at that point, of 3 years, that the non-native Israeli can sense when somebody is trying to take advantage of them. Before that point, they still think that the Middle Eastern salesmen are really their ‘friend.’ Hence the constant relationship of purchase from the guy who is calling you ‘my friends.’

-4 years before Vaad Bayit (building committee monies) is collected. The explanation of where those funds are going to is too complicated for anybody who cannot explain Mrs. Barzilay’s (my neighbor) new car.

-Nesher cab ride to Jerusalem can only take people who have been in Israel for at least 5 years. That driver right there is a reason for anybody to want to leave the country. When a group cab takes five hours to get you back to your home from the airport, after the driver yells at you for having bags...

-Olim get everything for free until 6 years in. It is only at that point that they are committed enough to Israel to not be supported. As we have learned from Birthright and Masa, nobody should have to pay for anything they do that is connected to the being Jewish. Lets get the country involved. We have to make the Absorption Basket bigger.

Serious injury must be taken care of by private doctors until 8 years in. At that point, you can have them join the socialized health care system. People need this time to accept the doctor can care less about the broken arm, which he made chronic, by the lack of treatment received, because he works for the medical fund. I got better treatment in 20 minutes at synagogue, back in Rochester, then seven months in Israel.

If this bill does not pass, make it mandatory for immigrants to learn about the in-gathering of the exiles and how being in a new country means you may not understand what is going on.