JOBS: I am Not a Rabbi & Definitely Not a Doctor

My credentials were weak. I don't even feel like my rabbinical career was a real one. I worked on a campus. I was a Hillel rabbi. I was part of the second tier of rabbis. I was working with college students. They did not trust me with regular people. They figured, 'students drink a lot of alcohol, they won’t notice the difference.'
I didn’t work with the regular Jewish life cycle events. I did not have the opportunity to initiate a young man into adulthood. However, I did initiate some young men into their fraternities, and introduced them to binge drinking. That is a step in the direction of being a man and puking. I make changes to those souls and lives. I performed the handing over of the Shabbat Kiddush Mug ceremony. All new brothers could perform the Shabbat Kiddush and then use that same cup to go around to all the parties and drink underage. That was the most meaningful life cycle change I was able to be part of.
It was meaningful. I must say, bringing religious meaning to the life of young adults is beautiful.

I would have thought to have worked as a rabbi, social worker, or doctor in Israel. I am not a doctor, and that has nothing to do with it. I will tell you that if I was a doctor, I wouldn’t correct people for calling me by my name. I am not a pretentious ‘I worked for that title’ never had a girlfriend in high school degree person. I didn't have a girlfriend in high school, and that has nothing to do with it. I got a masters degree, and none of our curriculum addressed the topic of how to be conceited and bald. We did not get educated on how to be jerks to everybody we meet.
In Israel, you do not hear people correcting you for not calling them a doctor, because in Israel, the doctor does not make the money which makes it worthwhile to be called a doctor.
Twenty three shekel an hour does not make it worthwhile to work in your profession. Want to make money in Israel, as an immigrant, be a waiter. Then people will call you doctor, and it will be like a cool nickname. Maybe they'll even call you 'Doc' and you can have a personality and the same job as your kid. Better yet, do not graduate high school. Then you won't feel stupid for not dating anybody or having a life in high school, and you will not feel the insecure need to be called a doctor, when you are a teacher.
Your education was a mistake, accept it. Be a renaissance man and let those customers know, ‘I am waiter. That is waiter. I dropped out of school for that. Check out my certificate…worker of the month.’ That is something to be proud of.
That is why we do not call other people by titles in Israel. Being a doctor would make me a fryer. Spending an extra five years in school to make as much as a waiter...calling yourself anything other than a waiter would make you a fryer. Say what you want, it is the meaning behind the job which is why somebody would do it in Israel. But do not mistake, in Israel, you do not pay much for university. In America you have to be called a doctor, because you are spending 20 years paying somebody named Sallie back for that certificate hanging on that wall, making you whatever you are. ‘Call me a doctor! Damn it!’ Add in a little soft curse after you force me to say doctor, and then I might respect you.
And stop talking about wine.

Lessons:
Be a waiter. Tips is what you need. If you cannot be a waiter, be a tour guide. The real money is in the stuff you do not report.

JOBS: Rabbi In America- Club Owner in Israel

Acting as a rabbi was very meaningful. I was a community figure. People looked up to me. They even called me rabbi. They needed somebody to blame for their lack of moral fortitude and forced three hours of Hebrew day school every week during their childhood. I had to pretend like I was an upstanding citizen and carer of people. I had to pretend that this world could make sense, and I was going to help you find that meaning. I had to pretend that I knew something.
They respected me and even talked about me when I did anything they did. I was important.
I hadn’t found any meaning myself. But a rabbi, like a good parent, lies. We have to make you feel like it is all going to be good. We do that, and people feel great. We bring joy to peoples’ non-pathetic lives and give them meaning. And they hold onto that meaning, until they lose their job, get a bad grade in school, or meet somebody they are attracted to.
I could have used the Torah to bring meaning to peoples' lives. But that would be the easy way out and quite overdone by all rabbis. Hack, if I may say. Everybody already has one of those rabbis.

As a rabbi in Israel, I couldn’t bring that same joy. They watch the news, they know what is going on, and they learn Torah. I don't have that meaning of external dependence anymore. Now, I have to try to bring that meaning to myself, from inside. I have to look at my own life, and lie to myself. It is a lot harder. As a rabbi, all that holy energy channels somehow. You have a position which forces meaning into your life. You are an important person, who represents your tradition and brings Torah to peoples’ lives, and it is beautiful. So, I got away from that profession.
I took up comedy because I couldn’t be honest enough, as a rabbi. I wanted to tell people to get a grip and to stop complaining. I wanted to tell them that they should blame themselves. I wanted to tell them that Gd might forgive you, but you still have to pay James the money you owe him. But no spiritual being wants to hear that. Debt is the reason Frank became religious.

Smicha/rabbinic ordination, was a real process. It helped shape who I am. As with all education and everything I have learned, I forgot it. I am not making any money off it. I made Aliyah and I work in comedy.
I have a masters in social work and rabbinic ordination. This book, with grammatical mistakes, cost my parents 150,000 dollars. My dad is not happy about it either. He also does not find it funny.

What I learned from being a rabbi and social worker? I do not like dealing with people's complaints, unless there is money involved. That is the difference between a rabbi and a priest. A rabbi won’t take confession, for anything less than $50. We know how much Jewish people like to complain. Coupled with free, that is a hard job.
As I learned, people like to complain about everything. And rabbis do have offices. I had a couple sitting in front of me. It was a boyfriend and girlfriend. I was working with college students, not people with anything meaningful going on in their lives. I did have to deal with this guy complaining about the movie they saw last night. ‘She doesn’t like going to horror flicks and I wanted to go…Wha Wha Wha…’ I said it and my rabbinical career was over. ‘Shut up, you whiny little…at least you have a girlfriend...I am going to movies by myself.’
Once they heard I go to movies and do stuff that they do, they lost all respect for me. Word got out that the rabbi likes movies and women, and it was over. No Christians wanted to come to my programs, and there was no attendance at the Hillel events anymore.
Rabbis can have girlfriends and even get married. That is another difference between a rabbi and a priest. A priest can’t have a girlfriend. A rabbi can have a girlfriend, he just can’t touch her. This is why it is always better to confess to a priest. As they do not have a woman in their life, there is no chance that everybody in the community will hear about your problems and iniquities.
I would not confess to an imam right now. I do not know much about the Muslim community's traditions regarding confession, but after what I have seen with Iran, Iraq and Syria, I want to know first. Oh. I said it. Bring on the angry-I-am-offended mail.

From What I learned about myself, whatever I do, there has to be meaning to it. There has to be a purpose. For that reason, it is important to make a lot of money. Making money gives purpose to everything. If there is enough money involved, you can do really negative stuff to the world, like start wars.
In my comedy, there has to have a purpose to it. At least to me, it is important to be self righteous. At least now I complain and make money from it. And people have to listen to me, and they cannot talk. That is the beauty of being a comedian, it is a win-win. I get the benefit of being the rabbi and the congregant.
 
Lessons:
-Get a job as a social-mental service provider and/or spiritual adviser. Life is much better when you focus on other people's problems.
-If you have complaints, go to clergy. Social workers charge.
-Being a rabbi is a meaningful career choice. Even learning Torah and studying the Jewish laws is meaningful. Although I do not work as a rabbi today, I still get that same feeling when I see the Hebrew letters of the Torah, that I do not understand it.

JOBS: Rewarding Work

Are jobs as rewarding in Israel? No. That is the answer. And that is if you can find a job in the non-profit world. Which means your paycheck will be coming in from America.
Life is more rewarding. There is something to that. It is about perspective. If you view Israel as a large non-profit, you care constantly donating money. If you become broke, you can donate money to yourself. You are part of the non-profit. Asking family for money should come with no shame. You are raising money for your organization. It is all about perspective. You get ripped off by a scandalous store owner, that is fine. You are not the fryer. You are supporting Israel and fraud.
In the worst of circumstances, you can find beauty in this world. They call it 'unemployed' in America. That sounds negative. In Israel, it is called social security collection time. It is your chance for a 'paid vacation,' thanks to Bituach Leumi.' It is the only time in your life that you will see money from Bituach Leumi, the social security people.
I have a purpose here. The purpose on a simple level is that I am part of the development of the Jewish Home Land, The Holy Land, The Dream. I might be messing it up for others, but I am sharing in the future of messing it up for the Jewish people. My justification for my existence, is that I am in Israel. Work is secondary. Making a living and supporting a family is secondary. Making my parents feel as though they did not waste money on a full life of private school is secondary. I have not given up on the other parts of life, but I now have my justification. Family I may not have, but I do have justification. I moved to Israel and my job does not pay well. I haven’t brought family to the Jewish people yet. But I am in Israel and I am trying to find a way to pay less taxes.
I did not say that I want to support the government. But it is meaningful. It is not rewarding labor. It is real labor. I now run a bar. A non-profit bar, where Jews can come and not tip.
Work-wise, I have found my place and continue to do so. And it is rewarding to share in the nightlife of the Holy City, where we shall one day hopefully not have to see the children of Beit Shemesh. They are annoying. And maybe parents should not let their children travel at 3am.

I was a rabbi in America. There I could be a rabbi. When I made Aliyah, Israelis figured me out real quick. The goatee did not pass for a beard. The lack of Hebrew abilities…they knew right away. In the US, you can get away without knowing stuff, because other people in the US don’t know stuff. You read transliteration in the middle of your speech and they know you are serious. However, in Israel, when you are deciphering deep issues of Jewish law with a picture book, they catch on. I want to put a little thank you out there to that Shabbat laws picture book, I would have never passed the rabbinic ordination test without you.

Lesson:
-Justify your lack of professional work. It makes for a happier Aliyah. You can finally put your doctorate in physics to work and be a plumber, or a builder.
-It is about perspective. You are building in the Jewish homeland. That is charity work, and that is meaningful. Just tell your parents you are a doctor.
-Make your Jewish American parents happy. Bring some naches and open up a bar with $300,000 they spent on your education.
-It is hard to find rabbi jobs in Israel. Apparently everybody hear learns Torah. Use your smicha, rabbinic ordination, for something positive. I run a kosher bar, an I am the mashgiach. That saves money for the non-profit.