JERUSALEM TOUR: Katamon

This is the area of Jerusalem where single people go to cry. Similar to the Upper West Side of New York, this is not an area where elementary school kids, or high school students, should be hanging out. It will also mess up their hope for a future.

Yes. Those are single people. You can see them looking at us, hoping one of us is single and willing to talk to them. They moved in when they were 20, in hopes of meeting an Israeli.

Good question. That American still does not speak Hebrew. How do you develop a relationship with an Israeli when you do not speak Hebrew? Israel is the land of miracles.

Yes. I am single. No. These facts are in the guide books. They are hoping to meet somebody, and yet they do not know how to initiate conversation of attraction, as they grew up religious. Nothing to do with me. We read about this for guiding school. But that was a good question.

We are moving. We are moving.

You can see a Dud Shemesh. This amazing device works to heat up water for the first shower taken in the morning. You can tell we are in a Jewish area, as the Dud Shemesh is white. Any claims by Arabs that they built these homes are false, as you can see the white Dud Shemesh.

That is a lady with a burqa. They are very modest and Jewish. We know that because of the white Dud Shemesh.

Found in South-Central Jerusalem, this gang area is home to many non-profit organizations and consulates. 

It is a neighborhood. There is some history. People live here. Maybe this isn't a frequently toured area, because people don't like seeing homes. But homes are history. As you can see this apartment building has stores on its ground floor. Quite interesting.

Katamonim- We are still in South-Central Jerusalem and there are no consulates here. We just crossed Yochanan Ben Zackai St., and we have just added an 'im' to the name. 

Look to your right, you can see a random person peeing on the street. Behind him, you can see a synagogue which was built a half century ago.

Katamonim was built in the early years of the modern state of Israel, to house the new immigrants. Affordable living was the key, and as such, no apartment was built to be larger than 45 square meters. You can find affordable housing in this area for 1,600,000 shekel.

The greater Katamon area is surrounded by different Katamonim (also known as the Gonanim to professors who study the geography of Jerusalem and know that somebody out there calls Katamon, Gonen- from the word 'defenders,' as you can see they have the same root). Katamonim is surrounded by what is known as 'Shikunim,' the hood. These complexes were originally built with stucco siding, making them not fit for Jerusalem- as they kill the view from the neighbor's porch. The government knew that the buildings would never be cleaned, and as such built them to look dirty.

There are a good 9 Katamon areas, in the Katamonim, but they are all affectionately known to the people who live here as Rechavia. Katamon, without the 'im' is the area built for English speakers.

Across from San Simon Park (which is really the Katamon park), where there is a monastery for missionizing children on bouncy horses, is the Youth Village where they teach children about the Oslo peace talks and how they affect rockets coming into Israel.

And we now see another Ashkenazi shule built in a bomb-shelter. As Ashkenazim are always scared of war, they have claimed every bomb-shelter. The nice synagogue over there is a Sephardi shule. They believe that H' protects, and a shule should look nice.

JERUSALEM TOUR: Talbiyah or is it Still Rechavia

Do not worry, we are not too far away from hotels. There are hotels all around Rechavia. You will be able to find a bathroom there.

Talbiyah- The Hebrew name, Komemiyut, never took off, because then the Arabs would not claim it. Jews do not write 'Jesus Hilfe' on their homes, above their doorway. Nor do Americans. I do not know why they are transliterating German.
Who, with money, would ever move to a neighborhood called Komemiyut?

The Jerusalem Theater- I hope we are still in Rechavia. It might be Talbiyah. But it is still Rechavia. It is easier to remember this half of Jerusalem as Rechavia. That is how Americans and French know it, and that is how I know it. Changing the names every five blocks is too confusing for me. And then there are the Arabic names, which I cannot even read. Print should not be that complicated.
This unique Jerusalem theater has plays and concerts. What makes this Jerusalem based theater special is that they do not produce shows with local Jerusalem performers.
Outside the theater, you will notice barricades placed in a form. That is symbolic.

Lets walk up Marcus street. No, they could not build it on any more of an angle. They tried.

Salameh's house is right there. He was not Jewish. He was Lebanese, but he found a good deal after WWI, so he purchased a lot of the land from the Greek Patriarchate (meaning Patriarchates from Greece). And thus the phrase, 'Middle Eastern people are cheap.' It is not just Jewish to want a good deal. It is Middle Eastern.
It was called Talbiyah. From the name, Taliban. Meaning, this is mine because I was against your country in the war. He leased his home to the Belgian Consulate, who then said, 'This land is ours.'
Israel purchased the home, after 1948.
Look in front of you and you will see Salameh Square. Now it is known as Wingate Square, because Orde Wingate did not want Jews to die. Wingate, as the only British person who cared about innocent Jews and their right to live in Israel, trained Jewish soldiers to protect themselves in Israel. That is what happens when a country is established, they give the names to people that supported them. And then they take away the names of people who wanted them to die.
Yes. It is a square. It is really a circle. I understand it is confusing. It is a really a traffic circle.
Good question. Does Israel have the right to change the name of the square? If that person would have rather you died, then there is argument for changing the plaque.

This is the end of Marcus street and you see another consulate building, which the Arabs are not protesting, and that is owned by the church.
David Marcus (known as Mickey Marcus) volunteered to help Israel in the War of Independence, as he was not a religious (frum) Jew. The most famous Machal soldier (volunteers from outside Israel), Mickey was shot by friendly fire. Since that time, all Machal soldiers have been kept in tanks. If not in a tank, you may also find Machal soldier on clean-up duty.

Nowadays, they are not giving away streets anymore. Sorry that you wasted all of your money on that wood camel.
Another good question. No. You were not supporting Israel. You were encouraging fraud.
But you still did spend money. If you support Israel enough, the JNF may plant you a tree.

Put down your cameras. That is not the French fountain over there. That is an Ars peeing on the sidewalk.

Here you can see the famous Tabiyah Rose Garden, of Talbiyah, which is the size of my parent's backyard in America. One person at a time. Do not enter two at a time. That is why there is a gate.

Other institutions housed in Talbiyah. Rechavia- Sorry: The President's house, where the president does not live. This home is a replica of a never renovated house. What does the President of Israel do? Good Question. We are moving. We are moving.
The Van Leer Institute, which was established in 1959, right next to the President's house. In its commitment to consistency, in its 55 some-odd years of its existence it has never had a person enter its doors. You will also see the original driveway pavement at the entrance, as no car has ever made its way into it. It was established by the Van Leer family, who is- contrary to popular belief- not from America.
The goal of the institution is to create ethnic understanding and to ease religious tension. As the studies have shown, the best way to make for peace is to have no interaction whatsoever. As such, the Van Leer Institute hosts weekly conferences where nobody shows up. As has been reported; there has never been a fight between nations, at the institute.
Yes. I repeat. Never seen anybody go into the place. Since my Aliyah, never seen a soul.

JERUSALEM TOUR: Rechavia & More Areas they allow Americans

Rechavia is the area of Jerusalem that is not Gilo. It runs from Baka to Nachlaot. There are many areas between, which the unknowledgeable Israeli citizen knows as Katamon or Talbiyah. But it is really Rechavia.
You are a tourist. Unlike the Israelis who live in Israel, you can afford a home here. To make a down-payment, on your next trip, do not pay for a hotel room for a couple of nights. If you don't pay the tour guide, you will be able to go for a straight purchase.
The difference between Rechavia and Gilo can be seen by the lack of English being spoken once Gilo begins. That is how you separate the areas.

We are walking through a neighborhood right now. These are homes, even though they are apartments. They are still homes, even though you can hear your neighbor chewing. Some of the homes were built as long ago as 50 years. People live here. You will even notice, some people park their cars in this area. Chances are they live in America or France.
Due to the population of Rechavia home owners, you can always go for a leisurely walk and not have to worry about running into a neighbor.

For a real experience, go into somebody’s home and ask them to show you the nicest thing. They will show you their view. The 'merpeset' is the porch, from where you have ‘the view.’ This is what you will see from people’s homes.
In many other countries, people take you into their home to show you their collectibles, living-room set-up and their library. Here, the Israelis skip all of that, take you into their home to show you the other homes that are not theirs. In your country, you might know people who sit on their porch and look at the 'view' as peeping Toms. In Israel, Tom is accepted, whoever he is. In Israel, it is OK to look and say nothing. You also don't have to wave, when showing your guests the inside of your neighbor's home.
Showing the view to guests is a way to show that you are not the only one with an unfurnished house.
When your house is real ugly, this is what you show people. Usually the view from the merpeset is where you can see your neighbors’ underwear.
Lets go into my home. Let us have the experience. We are in my home right now. From here, you can see a view. You see? I have neighbors.
That person, hanging their laundry and undergarments out their window? That is because they do not want people peeping into their home. It is quite ridiculous. The neighbors have signed a petition and brought it to the municipality, due to the rudeness of that family. A new law is being passed that there should be no barrier stopping neighbors from having a 'view' and looking inside the homes across the way.
No. They do not having drying machines in Israel. How does it dry? Very good question. You wait till May.
The main goal of the view, also known in Hebrew as 'nof,' is to be able to see the Knesset. If you cannot see the Knesset, you have not made a good investment. Fifty percent of the Jerusalem people have a view of the Knesset. Anybody that takes pride in a view of the Knesset is a Jerusalemite, who is not living in the Meah Shearim area. If your home does not have a view of the Knesset, you have nothing to talk about.
I have a view of the Knesset. You see it? Over there. It is the...If you squint, you can see part of a square building behind trees. They might even have a view of the Knesset from their house too. I have never seen their view. I have only seen into their home.
And that is how you know I don't live in my neighbor's house.

We are passing under somebody's Merpesset right now. Watch the water pouring down, right on us.
That is a good question? Yes. They have been waiting for us to pass under their porch, so they can hit us. It is Jerusalem tradition to clean water onto random passerbys. Why? So that you can mess up their day.

Kikar Tzarfat- French Square is located at the entrance to the Rechavia area, has a fountain donated by France, when there is water. Otherwise, this statue stands 10 feet tall. This statue represents water coming out of faces in a fountain. France is also known for giving America the Statue of Liberty. As France feels Israel is also important, this statues stands a good three and half meters from the ground. There is no stairwell in it. However, in its unique way, like the Statue of Liberty, this Statue of Face also has metal that turned green.

Gan Hapamon- Liberty Bell Park. Unlike Independence Park, 10 minutes walk up the hill, people use this park.
America had another cracked bell. Instead of fixing it, they gave it to Israel. Apparently, the Liberty Bell was donated by Pennsylvania. They had another broken bell and they wanted to get rid of it.
Across from Liberty Bell Park (Gan HaPamon) is Blumfield Park. These beautiful parks host a wide range of children activities, such as stolen wallets.
The fountain with the lion in it? I have no idea either. Is it a fountain if there is no water? Or is it a statue? Sometimes you can see children peeing in it. You can see the Lion Statue. A German chancellor gave this one. I know your tour book says it is a fountain, but there is no water. There is a European tradition to donate fountains to Israel, which have no running water. I believe the Israeli public would appreciate the gift of water more.

Montefiore had a wagon. That is over there. It ran a windmill. Thus, you will notice the wagon still under the mill.
And we are moving.
You saw the view? Excellent. And nobody even lives here.

JERUSALEM TOUR: The Hotels By The Old City

We are now in the inner circle of English Speaking Jerusalem People with Money. This will include Baka and Rechavia. But for now, let us move into the hotels. The only area you should know of.

This is the most important area for you to know as a tourist. These are here so that you do not have to make your bed.  As the Bedouin tents we stayed in, none of the locals come to this area. You do not have to worry, you will not have to interact with any Israelis that you do not have to tip.
When you wake up, in most North wings of the hotel, you make your way south, to the elevator, to the first floor. You then turn left out of the elevator and you can see the Buffet. Finding your way around the buffet can be quite difficult. That is why I am here.
Do not miss your breakfast buffet, you only have five hours. You will notice fruit salad and cake, all cut by Israelis. You will also notice cereal and cheeses, all from Israel. Kellogg's is an Israeli brand. This buffet is quite historic, as you will notice the Caesar Salad. The Caesar ate breakfast too. That is history. Maybe social studies.
I only take $400 a day to show you around these areas of the breakfast. As I do when showing you around the ancient falafel stands of Jerusalem, which you are also required to pay for.
We have just wasted half the day. We will not be able to go on the trip today. We will just walk around the neighborhood.

You will notice soap, shampoo and televisions in your room. You still may have not covered the full cost of your hotel stay with the breakfast spread. As many of you filled up in the second hour of seating, you might want to take what you can. I have noticed the televisions are not bolted in.
We are spending $700 a night on this experience. We should not have traveled during the holiday season. This is a very expensive youth hostel we are staying in.
We are now going to see the most historic Jerusalem hotel of this century. This is not to compare with the ancient bed and breakfast that Batsheva hoste across the way from David's castle.

The King David Hotel- No, he did not live here. I do not believe he lived at the David Citadel or in King David's Village either. It does get confusing. The King David Hotel is also known as the فندق الملك داود in Arabic, as they change the names to everything.
The hotel was founded in the early 1930s by Ezra Messeri, a wealthy Jewish banker from Egypt, to dispel the myth that there are no wealthy Jews in Egypt, who are bankers. Today, the hotel is owned by the Dan hotels chain, which means that you can get Yarmulkes with 'Dan' written on it. If your name is Dan, you will never need anybody making you a kippah, or a girlfriend. Around the corner, is another Dan hotel, but we will remain at the King David till they kick us out, as it is described in the Exodus book.
Made to have a view of the Old City, you can see how other buildings that were built later also thought that was a nice view to have. From the lounge, you can now see the King David swimming pool.
Many presidents and royalty stay here. They are the reason the city gets shut down once or twice a year. Traffic is barricaded so that somebody of importance to another country, who would like to own Jerusalem, can see the Israel Museum. And so that the Jerusalem residents cannot go to work and see their clients, while spending the day complaining and fighting with cops, and arguing with the police about where they live.
As elegant as it is, do not use the bathrooms in the King David Hotel, as there have been issues with toilets in the past.
The King David theme is connected to the area. Part of King David Street, the King David Hotel is in a densely populated hotel area. Looping around to Agron you can also see the new Waldorf Astoria,which looks nothing like the Waldorf Astoria.
You will notice somebody tipping the guy who opened up the door. It is not customary to say 'thank you,' as gratitude may only be shown through money. Tips are expected, as the staff is not getting paid enough by the $1,200 a night hotel low-season rates, and thus they need charity. These low level beggars also help out with room service.

Across the road here, you can see the YMCA. In Jerusalem, this hotel and center of sports and activity is known as the IMCA, because IMCA does not sound Christian.
Greatly frequented by Jews, the YMCA is a beacon for decent gym membership prices.
Built in the 1930s, and finished after seven years of construction and political building freezes, Dr. Harte finally saw his vision come to fruition. Dedicated to the words, 'Here is a spot whose atmosphere is peace, where political and religious jealousies can be forgotten and international unity be fostered and developed,' it was thusly named the Young Men's Christian Association. Keeping with the concept of peace and forgotten religious strife, right near its front doors have been countless terror attacks.
The rest of the hotels have breakfast too.

I am trying to focus on the important information here. Such as the Bible stuff.
Look: we missed Kind David's Village, the Citadel Hotel, the Eldan Hotel which is a motel, other buildings, Beit Shmuel, HUC, the King Solomon Hotel, which King Solomon did not stay at, because the rooms were too small, Conservative Yeshiva, a good 300 Orthodox Yeshivas, other places of study, which bring in no business to Jerusalem, a parking lot, more construction, a big ball with water running over it, a sundial.
If there are any more complaints about the tour not covering that guy selling silver, across the road, I will charge an extra $400. And you will still have to pay for my dinner.