JOBS: Job Credentials for the Immigrant

Immigrant- meaning incapable

You have to be creative and reinvent yourself. If you do not speak Hebrew, English, or the language of the people who go to the malls, you can always get a job as a security guard.

Olim like to complain, ‘I can’t get a job, I am leaving.’ You are an immigrant. If you are going to leave because of your professional success, stay in America. Stay in Britain. Even stay in South Africa. My 5 year old niece, who moved here two years ago, speaks a better Hebrew than you. Go back and finish elementary school, again. Learn how to sing ‘Idiot American speaker and idiot French speaker sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g,’ in Hebrew, then we can talk about getting you a job as a waiter. You idiot! You all are expecting jobs as immigrants. 

I hope I helped you with reality. It definitely helps me justify my lack of employment as an Oleh. 

Your credentials are based on what you have done in the past, which relate to your immigrant abilities. College, masters degrees, PHDs, pointless.

I knew I could do security. I stopped a fight when I was in eighth grade. I was also pretty decent at that horse racing game at the amusement park, where you had to shoot the water gun. I came to Israel with credentials. Security was definitely my thing.

I was also excellent at sales. When I was in the 3^rd grade, I was already selling Fireballs. Making 5 cents on the ball. It is all about moving product and I must have sold a good 12 of those a day. I realized that Jawbreakers weren’t the right seller. People like the burn. I opened up across from Yissy’s locker and went to business. Yissy was still selling Jawbreakers, and a lot of parents were very angry at him for the dental work that had to be done on our class. 

I am not showing off. I had an advanced business mind. I learned important business lessons at a young age: If you want to make money, skip class. Standing on the bus makes for better sales. All oral reports should be about your product, making for good advertisement. Your number one client's parents have no idea that they are eating candy. 

Business was great, till my parents got my report card. However, I learned many valuable business lessons, which to this day I do not practice. And my parents still send me money.

Jobs are hard to come by in Israel. When I say that, I mean that jobs are hard to come by in Israel. Until you accept this, you are not fully committed to staying. Once you accept that, we can move on with this lesson. Can we accept that we are not useful? Can I move on? Can you accept that you cannot afford to buy a one-bedroom apartment in the land you decided to move to? OK.

Immigrants can find jobs. The job I wanted was not there. Every job I could find had a boss.  

The jobs you want are hard to get, when you don’t have a degree. I wanted to work as a Chemist, but they said no. Why? As they said, ‘Because you know nothing about chemistry.’ I was a little hurt, as I did make Aliyah and they should be giving me a job for that. And who are those professors to make the decision as to who is a chemist or not?!

I, as most Olim, came with the understanding that you get jobs in Israel because you are American. 

In America I was not the smartest guy, but I spoke English. I thought that in the Middle East they would consider me smart because I have sufficiently adequate American English abilities. ‘I speak a perfect English and these people do not. I should get the job.’ They do not see it that way. They were thinking, ‘He speaks a horrendously disabled Hebrew and he is from America.’ 

I didn’t realize at the time, but they go to school in other countries too. Immigrants from other countries were also capable. And to my surprise, other languages are also used. The English letters I see on the search bar, can also be Spanish, French and even the language that people from the British Commonwealth speak.

That whole other immigrants knowing stuff thing, messed up the whole Oleh job pool. If they are also useful, what am I to do? In South America, a lot of the children go to school. How they do not know English, I still cannot figure that out. How they sit through classes for hours, not understanding a word?? It is crazy. 

And then some of these people are called doctors. These people from Russia...apparently they knew stuff there too. Once you make the Aliyah move, the abilities of your medical degree move to pre-school level. It is all dependent on your Oleh abilities. 

At my Makolet (mini-mart), the doctor works the cash register. I don’t know why they give out doctorates for knowing how to open a cash register. I know a lot of thieves that know how to open a cash register and they are not called doctors. Maybe the guy was smart in Russia, but I can understand why he is not working as a Chemist. He does not speak English. I should have gotten that job. I suffered a tough blow.

I went to UIpan. I was supposed to learn Hebrew. Ulpan didn’t help me find a job after Ulpan. That degree does not help for much. Six months in language study and they are giving me a certificate that says I almost have the abilities of a fourth grader. It is not a good idea to pull out that piece of paper at a job interview. If I would have been able to have read that piece of paper, if they would have taught me that in Ulpan, maybe I wouldn't have showed it to the human resources department. 

I lost money with my new immigrants’ stipend. Ulpan took that all away. Again, Aliyah was a bad business move. That stipend was worthless. A stipend is a way to make money while you are not doing anything. It wass supposed to help me vacation, and Ulpan was not vacation. And the pre-declaration of the country Sochnut mattresses at Ulpan, did not make me feel all shantied. It was their fault that I had to get involved in illegal activity. 

Every Israeli complains about the new immigrant stipend. They hear every Oleh complain, so they feel they have that right too. As when you live in a capitalistic society with socialistic benefits all you can do is complain when you do not receive the benefits you are in support of. Why don't you try moving to America because it is the land of your ancestors?

The right to complain is part of the acclimation basket. Even so, you have to be able to complain in Hebrew, to make a living at it. Otherwise, you will never get a job at the Kupat Cholim (medical provider), the falafel shop, the makolet, the Knesset, and anywhere I have ever interacted with people. If there is one thing I have learned over the years, it is that when I complain, I can sound Israeli. I can't have the normal conversations, but I can yell at a secretary like any good local. Might not be a job, but it is even more satisfying.

If you do not know what Aliyah means yet, then I have to say, this book is not for you. You can still complain to yourself though. Even when making Yeridah, you can always complain about life in Israel. That is the great thing about the initial Aliyah experience, you can complain about it the rest of your life. Even if you give up on it, because you are weak as hell. 

You can always complain about not having a job.

I tried coming up with different jobs when I first moved to Israel. My credentials as a new immigrant were limited. I had the ability to be the guy who did not understand a word you say. I could have been a social worker who says ‘כן’ (yes) a lot. I knew the word ‘yes.’ With the shaking of my head, they would have walked out feeling healed. I looked around the country to see what kinds of jobs new immigrants have. I figured, I could open up a bathroom; charge a shekel. I could burn DVDs and sell them legally. I even sold the SuperYad, a bag carrier for the shuk, which turned into gifts for friends, who also didn't want them.

The one thing I had credentials for, security, they disbarred me from. Even though I was not a lawyer, my Hebrew was too good. I was able to understand when people said that they had a gun. And that stopped a lot of customers from passing by security with loaded weapons. Again, Ulpan hurt me. כן it did.

 

Lessons:

-Your Oleh resume should include stuff that is pertinent to what you studied in elementary school, as your Hebrew level is an example of your disabilities.

-Do not include your masters degree or doctorate in your resume. The way you sound as a New Oleh, will discredit your university.

-Do not waste your time going to business school. Any eight year old, with the right amount of their parent's money, and tax evasion, can pull in huge dollars. 

-The basic premises of buy low and sell hi was how I made money off my friends. I did not move to Israel to rip people off, or join a pyramid scheme. This is the middle east that I live in now and it is my duty, as an Oleh, to get ripped off. My way of showing solidarity as a good first world immigrant.

-Ulpan does not help with acclimation.

-Complain. It makes you feel better.

-Don't make Aliyah unless you are ready to be living on the streets of Israel. Only in Israel.

-Other countries also have knowledgeable people. Not just the USA.

Israel Changes: Keep Quiet in My Building

(David's Political Platform for Change in Israel)

Apartments Are the Problem Everywhere in the World. On average, cities where people live in homes, and not apartments, have a lower rate of homicide. There are reasons for this.

Problem:
My neighbors talk.
The bigger problem is that I do not live in a free standing house, and there is no fence separating these people from me. Abraham also had problems until he got rid of Lot.

Experience for Cause of Change:
They were eating breakfast. I heard the chewing. There was only a wall separating us. I did not get sleep.
I knocked on their door and told them, ‘I hate you.’ I think they understood that they were eating.
And the day went on.
One neighbor was educating their child. Police got called, as the kid was screaming. The owner of the apartment’s defense: ‘I was telling my daughter, who is in fifth grade, to do her homework.’
I insisted that that home owner go to jail for not smacking their kid for being loud.

Then one person had the nerve to talk in the hallway. They were a said to be a guest of somebody. This person was taken aside and held over the stair railing. Nothing was said to this individual. I think they understood that people in our building also hear it when people talk very loudly in the hallways, just like they do in every other building in the world.

Let me be clear. I am pro neighbors. I just feel it is better when you do not see them. This is why Americans would look younger if they did not eat.

Solution:
-My neighbors are not allowed to eat anymore.
-They cannot walk. When they come into their house, they have to crawl. Sliding feat is also allowed. But lifting a foot is not allowed.
-No talking. Force everybody to learn sign language in my building.
-Hand out headphones to anybody that wants to listen to music or watch television.
-Only house living for families. People have to live in homes, so they can yell at their kids.
-Fences are a requirement. They can also be used as little jail cells in apartments.
-No college students allowed in housing. They enjoy camping. College students can live in parks. It will also allow them to protest the cost of living as much as they want.
-Force the neighbors to live in a bomb shelter. It is safer for everybody.
-Send the kids away for boarding school. Boarding school should not be in the same town, or a bus ride away. The kids have to sleep in the boarding school.
-Open up more land for housing in Israel.

People Protesting the Yom Yerushalayim Flag Parade: I HAVE AN OPINION TOO

Probably the most beautiful parade in this country and people protest it?! They said that it offends other people living in Jerusalem. How does young kids carrying a flag, of the country you live in affect people negatively? It is as if we are turning into America, where you have to be a fanatic to even think about holding up your own country's flag, with pride. No proud American would even think to pledge allegiance.  

Protest something else. Anything else. Protest the Christian international support parade for Israel, on Sukkot. That is even more offensive. A parade for people who are not boycotting and divesting from Israel. That is offensive to everybody, not just to Jerusalemites. That is offensive to the world. Do they not support Europe? Have they not watched the news over the past 20 years?

I personally find the flag parade to be the most beautiful thing I have seen in Israel, along with the walk around the Old City on Tisha BAv.

Here goes my thoughts...Once you start crying and arguing that it is offensive to the local residents of the city, that you are celebrating the unity of the city, you are saying that you do not support your city's right to exist. The Muslim population should join in the parade. They she be proud to be part of this beautiful country. They should be holding up the flags and singing 'Am Yisrael Chai.'

'We are offending the Jordanians.' Although I also feel bad for the Jordanians, we have to get over it. 1967 was a while ago. 

Call me right wing, but I do not feel bad for the people who hate Jerusalem, and are offended by people's being happy about their country and their city. I do not feel any hatred for those who are proud of Jerusalem and Israel. I do feel a little awkward for peaceful youth and grownups walking through Jerusalem, being called racist, because they are carrying an Israeli flag.

I understand that it gives the Meretz party and Shalom Achshav people something to do, and it is beautiful that they have a reason to come out to Jerusalem on Yom Yerushalayim as well. But why do you have such hatred for little religious (Dati) kids who do not want to be scared walking through the Old City of Jerusalem?

The signs at the protest claiming that the city is not for everybody and that somehow celebrating Jerusalem is 'racism,' should have read 'Jerusalem is not for the religious.'

Point: There should be a world for students, where they can do whatever they want. A world where they can have their opinions which allow for their 'lets get along and hate everybody' religion they got going. A world where your parents send you to school so that you can tell them they are wrong. And then there should be another world for the rest of us. A world where people have to make money.

ISRAEL CHANGE: Somebody Who Speaks English To Represent Us

(Israel Political Platform for Change)

Get Somebody Who Speaks English to Represent Israel in English Speaking Countries

We look like idiots in the global news market.

Problem:

A whole country of new immigrants and Nefesh BNefesh and we have the only two people representing us, that do not speak English. They go around the Knesset looking for people to represent us and argue our side and some convincing Israeli from the Green Leaf Survivor Shas Housing Price Meretz Party member gets up, ‘I speak Anglish.’ They know a job is coming their way.

Somebody has got to be there saying, ‘This good. He speaky Anglish. We go representie Israeli news peopolee.’

Anglish is not a language. Nor is Peopolee a word. And adding an ‘ee’ sound to everything is not a way to bridge English and Hebrew.

There is no reason we should be losing the global vote right now.

The Arabs look brilliant, because they have English speakers representing them. They show up on the news, ‘What we have is called a human shield.’ The guy is eating it up, ‘Please explain it to our viewing audience.’  Any Arab is right at home at CNN, ‘What we do is take civilians and line them up in front of us...’ The anchor is enamored, ‘Sounds like a great plan. So you take little kids and put them in front of the soldiers? Hence Israelis look like idiots. It is a community event.’ Then the representative explains, ‘We make sure they are mature enough to make their own decisions. At least three. If they have parental guidance, then it may be younger.’

Arabs have such world opinion, to the point where anything that is not pro-Israel works. I even heard one explaining, ‘Our new thing is that we run over people. We do not use any weapons, just cars.’ The news guy is taking it in, ‘This sounds like a great plan. And then the Israelis use aggression. They check the drivers. It is Israel’s fault.’ ‘The aggressors even arrested somebody.

The word aggression gets thrown out there, and everybody eats it up. ‘The aggressors don’t let us drive anymore.’ Our delegates don’t even understand what the word ‘aggression’ means. I don’t think anybody knows what the word aggression means. Aggression sounds so good when people from the Middle East say it. It just roles off the tongue.

From what I have gathered recently, it means Israeli. It is synonymous with Israel. It might be another word for cactus.

Then I see us on the news. We sound like idiots. We don’t even need an antagonist. I have seen it. I hear the Israeli ambassador out there, ‘Ehhhhhh.’ The anchor is baffled, ‘Sir. You cannot create your own static.’ The Israeli guy is all sure of himself, ‘Chipssim. We fries. Electonica.’ What is electronica? The people at CNN and BBC are in shock, ‘Israel is French fries? I thought Jews were supposed to be smart. Are these the same Jews that live in America and Europe?...We shouldn’t be blaming the Jews. It is these people. We have information that Israel is killing babies.’ This cocky Hebrew speaker interjects, ‘No. We don’t kill baby. We kill everybody. These OK.’

‘Sir, Do you speak English.’ ‘Yeth, I speaky Anglish.’

‘Tunnolly.’ ‘You eat Italian food in Israel?’

Aside from using baby to mean plural, and Anglish being the language he speaky, this is messed up representationy of our peoplee.

Solution I propose:

-Go to Rechavia. Knock on any door. You will find an English speaker. Ask them to represent the country.

-Do not have Americans representing Israel. They make us look even worse. If they are not self-hating Jews, if you can find one, do not allow them to do what they call ‘Israel Advocacy.’ They start talking and anti-Semitism is perpetuated. Once they start with their whole support for Israel, anti-boycott stuff, it is fodder. They get going, ‘Boycott Israel and don’t use your computer. We make the chips…And don’t read your newspapers, we run those too…And don’t use your banks, we own those as well…Don’t know if you have read the literature. We are also running the airlines. So…’

Another anti-Semite is born. I can tell you that the one place we run that stuff is in Israel. And we don’t run it well.

If you want to stop spreading anti-Semitism, have me out there as the attaché, letting them know: ‘We do not have the capability to run airlines. No Jew is a pilot, unless they are assimilated. We cannot run banks. Look at Israel, you can see that Jews are not that good with money. And boycott Israel, it makes no difference. We are getting all of our stuff from China anyways. They make the chipsim toys…You heard our guy talk. You think we are writing well enough to be running the newspapers?’ That is Hasbara (Israel Advocacy) my friends.

-Have the Israeli delegate nod. No talking. Just nodding. This way, at least the world will think we have a disability, and we will get the sympathy vote back on our side.

-Only interview on Fox News. Finally, a news agency that supports Israel. Leave the Israel Advocacy to people who are not Jewish. They know how to make the worst sounding Anglish, sound like something positive for Israel. ‘So you were protecting your citizens and they put their civilians in the way…and they are using their cars as weapons now?’

Thank you for leading the delegate sir. He is ready to answer, ‘Yesie.’ One word and Israel’s representative still sounds like an idiot. Nod. Just nod.

ISRAEL CHANGE: Shabbat Dinner Talk

(from David's Political Platform)

Communal Dinner Go Around Talk

No more going around the table. Conversation at Shabbat meals has to be organic, so that people in Jerusalem can enjoy their Shabbat meals.

Problem: Some people talk too much. Many hosts, especially those who work with Jews feel it is important for everybody to have a chance to share. It is not. They have been misled to believe that all people in the community have opinions that matter. Sometimes, people should not be talking. Even so, it comes from a good place. And good intention leads to abusive Shabbat dinner conversation.

The way it works is the host goes around the table and asks everybody to say something positive that happened to them this week. It is never something negative. The question has to be positive, because that is the tradition.

They tell them to say where they are from and then to share. Many people take where they are from as a sharing opportunity. Never. Never has anybody asked people to talk details about where they are from. Nonetheless, there are individuals who mistake their care for their hometown for other people’s care. And that is not caring. Sometimes, they even ask people to share a food they like. Then they say, ‘If you chose, you do not have to share your favorite thing, if you give a Dvar Torah (a little snippet of Torah, shared generally with a little message, always mistaken for a long talk given by somebody who never studied Torah). It is one or the other. But the host feels like it will embarrass the person to stop them, and to tell them that they have shared already. The host does not realize that these are rishaim (evil people, whose evil deeds cause for much hatred- sinah)

The issue is that you are opening the stage to everybody. It is their time in the spotlight. The host does not stop them. Somebody has to stop them, and that is what I propose. Change has to be made, and I am here to help.

Stopping the dinner for a Dvar Torah is bad enough. I have been to many dinners where people kill the dinner with what they call a Dvar Torah. Apparently, the attention was off them for five minutes and they know that giving a Davar Torah forces everybody to listen to them. ‘I have something to say. Let me interrupt your conversation. I have a Dvar Torah to give. H’ said to Moshe…and let me tell you about me.’

If there weren’t crazies in Jerusalem, then going around the table might work. It would finish in three minutes. But we are in Jerusalem. The point is you cannot separate the crazies from their home.

Experience for Cause of Change:

I went to a Shabbat meal. The host said, ‘We are going around the table for people to share.’ I looked around table. There were more than 30 people. I have never been so distraught to hear the word ‘share.’

I learned to share with my friends when I was a kid. There were four of those.

I knew there was a problem. I couldn’t leave. I was stuck. The place was too packed to walk out. I would have had to have asked everybody to get up. I was locked in. The seminary girls were locked in as well. They could not get out of the conversation with crazy guy. They were stuck. If they would have asked crazy to stand up so that they could leave, that would have engaged crazy guy in more conversation. We were all stuck.

And they started sharing. I do not know if it was sharing, as much as people saying what they wanted to say. I think it was more of a monologue performance for the self. I do not think much care was put into the people who were forced to listen.

The guy started talking and he continued. That was when I knew there was a huge problem. He shared where he was from, his favorite food and a Dvar Torah. It was a choice. He had no right to share both a Dvar Torah and his favorite food. He even telling us things that happened to him this week. That was not even the question.

 This guy was educated wrong. He was never taught that sharing meant toys. Somebody never smacked him and told him that sharing has nothing to do with your thoughts.

Now I hate sharing.

I stopped the go around and everybody from giving their speeches. They were going around the table and I noticed other people who like to share. They were already eight people and two hours into sharing. Everybody was telling about themselves, but nobody was being honest. Nobody said, ‘I am here in Israel because I do not want to work for a living, and I heard that I can get free meals on Shabbat, where people let me talk.’

Worst of all, it was a big dinner and people were there for their first Shabbat experience ever. They ended up at the Kotel, where they were bumped by many people that did not say ‘Excuse me.’ I know that, because one of the ladies shared that tidbit of her understanding of Jewish life, that she witnessed for the first time. She had no idea that Jewish tradition is to hit people while they are praying.

These first time Shabbat experience people were sitting there shocked, wondering if all Jews who keep Shabbat are crazy. They had no idea that there were orthodox Jews, who walk around with head coverings that do not block out the sun.

Some were on their way to conversion, some were Catholic, some were Jews who came to Israel not by choice- but because it was free, and free is very forceful. Questions even came up: Are all Jews broke? Why do no people who live in Israel have jobs? I thought they owned the banks. Are Jerusalem Jews a different breed? Are they all narcissists, who have to talk about themselves at length? Why do no Jews follow directions? They said to answer one question.

I had to interject. I am here to represent the people. I had to get involved. I told everybody that these people were not the fine Jewish prototypes. Not every Jew went through a traumatic experience where they tried to escape alimony payments.

I let everybody know that these people do not represent authentic Judaism for everybody, even though he gave over a passionate Dvar Torah about his childhood and addictions, with a lot of certainty.

People are sent from the Kotel and then they meet people who like free dinners, who the Shabbat dinner people have chosen to represent our tradition. Nothing against free food. Nothing against taking. If they were just eating, that would be fine. They were sharing.

We lost a convert that day. The people at the table did a very good job of turning away the person who wants to convert. The rabbi of her congregation was not as influential as Matan, the homeless guy who spoke for twenty minutes, whose name used to be Matt.

At least something positive happened at the meal.

And then I had to stop a random person who started giving a speech about how things only happen in Israel. I made it clear that the only thing that happens only in Israel is people saying ‘only in Israel.’ The lady almost cried, at which point I told her that we are not trying to brainwash anybody here. She almost went into more details about her childhood, when I told her to look up, so that she can see that nobody cared.

After three people went on about their emotional connection to Israel, I had to stop them. I got everybody’s attention by saying, ‘Well, boohoo hoo.’ And nobody else mentioned anything positive about their life or childhood for the rest of dinner.

Thank you to myself, a revolutionary, nobody was talking about themselves by the time dessert rolled around. The only comments being made were about how mean ‘David’ is.

Mean. Because I care about you.

I also stopped the NayNayNaying. I let them know the song was over. And they didn’t understand the words of the song itself anyways. They should have started with the naynaynaying.

Solution: Do not let people talk at your meal.

-For those who feel the need for the go around…

If you cannot stop them from talking, screen the people who are talking already. If they are talking in regular conversation, imagine how much they will talk when they have a focus group. You can weed out the crazies. You just have to observe your guests. Pick out your guests that you will allow to talk, when you go around the table. You are not embarrassing the crazies. You are actually helping them. They will be spewing stuff for a half hour and the rest of the guests will be giving mocking looks. The crazies never recognize it.

You weed them out by listening to their conversations. If they are talking about their childhood and it was not solicited, then skip them. If they are blowing their nose in the napkin and putting it back on the table, do not let them talk. If they are sharing any superfluous detail before or during the meal, for the sake of everybody else, do not give them the spotlight.

-Time the people. This is a reason to have a watch on Shabbat. At thirty seconds, move onto the next person.

-Allow people to have a normal conversation.

-Mix in some crazy guests to your normal Shabbat dinner. They will never set up people from the Kotel with a fully normal Shabbat dinner; that would negatively affect the kiruv process (the process of helping people become more religious- which some rabbis like to control). Fully normal Shabbat dinners can look too good, causing an individual who is new to the tradition to think that they might want something like that. That would disturb the rabbi’s influence, and the individual being worked on would not learn at the correct Yeshiva.

People who have money should host Shabbat dinner, not to be snobby to the point of only eating with other people who do not want free Shabbat dinners. Two ways to do this: Do not ask guests to bring anything. If your guest is bringing wine, then kick them out. If it is Selected, then OK. The other way to safeguard your guest list of poor work ethic is to invite a few people that live in Nachlaot.