ISRAEL CHANGE: Shabbat Dinner Talk

(from David's Political Platform)

Communal Dinner Go Around Talk

No more going around the table. Conversation at Shabbat meals has to be organic, so that people in Jerusalem can enjoy their Shabbat meals.

Problem: Some people talk too much. Many hosts, especially those who work with Jews feel it is important for everybody to have a chance to share. It is not. They have been misled to believe that all people in the community have opinions that matter. Sometimes, people should not be talking. Even so, it comes from a good place. And good intention leads to abusive Shabbat dinner conversation.

The way it works is the host goes around the table and asks everybody to say something positive that happened to them this week. It is never something negative. The question has to be positive, because that is the tradition.

They tell them to say where they are from and then to share. Many people take where they are from as a sharing opportunity. Never. Never has anybody asked people to talk details about where they are from. Nonetheless, there are individuals who mistake their care for their hometown for other people’s care. And that is not caring. Sometimes, they even ask people to share a food they like. Then they say, ‘If you chose, you do not have to share your favorite thing, if you give a Dvar Torah (a little snippet of Torah, shared generally with a little message, always mistaken for a long talk given by somebody who never studied Torah). It is one or the other. But the host feels like it will embarrass the person to stop them, and to tell them that they have shared already. The host does not realize that these are rishaim (evil people, whose evil deeds cause for much hatred- sinah)

The issue is that you are opening the stage to everybody. It is their time in the spotlight. The host does not stop them. Somebody has to stop them, and that is what I propose. Change has to be made, and I am here to help.

Stopping the dinner for a Dvar Torah is bad enough. I have been to many dinners where people kill the dinner with what they call a Dvar Torah. Apparently, the attention was off them for five minutes and they know that giving a Davar Torah forces everybody to listen to them. ‘I have something to say. Let me interrupt your conversation. I have a Dvar Torah to give. H’ said to Moshe…and let me tell you about me.’

If there weren’t crazies in Jerusalem, then going around the table might work. It would finish in three minutes. But we are in Jerusalem. The point is you cannot separate the crazies from their home.

Experience for Cause of Change:

I went to a Shabbat meal. The host said, ‘We are going around the table for people to share.’ I looked around table. There were more than 30 people. I have never been so distraught to hear the word ‘share.’

I learned to share with my friends when I was a kid. There were four of those.

I knew there was a problem. I couldn’t leave. I was stuck. The place was too packed to walk out. I would have had to have asked everybody to get up. I was locked in. The seminary girls were locked in as well. They could not get out of the conversation with crazy guy. They were stuck. If they would have asked crazy to stand up so that they could leave, that would have engaged crazy guy in more conversation. We were all stuck.

And they started sharing. I do not know if it was sharing, as much as people saying what they wanted to say. I think it was more of a monologue performance for the self. I do not think much care was put into the people who were forced to listen.

The guy started talking and he continued. That was when I knew there was a huge problem. He shared where he was from, his favorite food and a Dvar Torah. It was a choice. He had no right to share both a Dvar Torah and his favorite food. He even telling us things that happened to him this week. That was not even the question.

 This guy was educated wrong. He was never taught that sharing meant toys. Somebody never smacked him and told him that sharing has nothing to do with your thoughts.

Now I hate sharing.

I stopped the go around and everybody from giving their speeches. They were going around the table and I noticed other people who like to share. They were already eight people and two hours into sharing. Everybody was telling about themselves, but nobody was being honest. Nobody said, ‘I am here in Israel because I do not want to work for a living, and I heard that I can get free meals on Shabbat, where people let me talk.’

Worst of all, it was a big dinner and people were there for their first Shabbat experience ever. They ended up at the Kotel, where they were bumped by many people that did not say ‘Excuse me.’ I know that, because one of the ladies shared that tidbit of her understanding of Jewish life, that she witnessed for the first time. She had no idea that Jewish tradition is to hit people while they are praying.

These first time Shabbat experience people were sitting there shocked, wondering if all Jews who keep Shabbat are crazy. They had no idea that there were orthodox Jews, who walk around with head coverings that do not block out the sun.

Some were on their way to conversion, some were Catholic, some were Jews who came to Israel not by choice- but because it was free, and free is very forceful. Questions even came up: Are all Jews broke? Why do no people who live in Israel have jobs? I thought they owned the banks. Are Jerusalem Jews a different breed? Are they all narcissists, who have to talk about themselves at length? Why do no Jews follow directions? They said to answer one question.

I had to interject. I am here to represent the people. I had to get involved. I told everybody that these people were not the fine Jewish prototypes. Not every Jew went through a traumatic experience where they tried to escape alimony payments.

I let everybody know that these people do not represent authentic Judaism for everybody, even though he gave over a passionate Dvar Torah about his childhood and addictions, with a lot of certainty.

People are sent from the Kotel and then they meet people who like free dinners, who the Shabbat dinner people have chosen to represent our tradition. Nothing against free food. Nothing against taking. If they were just eating, that would be fine. They were sharing.

We lost a convert that day. The people at the table did a very good job of turning away the person who wants to convert. The rabbi of her congregation was not as influential as Matan, the homeless guy who spoke for twenty minutes, whose name used to be Matt.

At least something positive happened at the meal.

And then I had to stop a random person who started giving a speech about how things only happen in Israel. I made it clear that the only thing that happens only in Israel is people saying ‘only in Israel.’ The lady almost cried, at which point I told her that we are not trying to brainwash anybody here. She almost went into more details about her childhood, when I told her to look up, so that she can see that nobody cared.

After three people went on about their emotional connection to Israel, I had to stop them. I got everybody’s attention by saying, ‘Well, boohoo hoo.’ And nobody else mentioned anything positive about their life or childhood for the rest of dinner.

Thank you to myself, a revolutionary, nobody was talking about themselves by the time dessert rolled around. The only comments being made were about how mean ‘David’ is.

Mean. Because I care about you.

I also stopped the NayNayNaying. I let them know the song was over. And they didn’t understand the words of the song itself anyways. They should have started with the naynaynaying.

Solution: Do not let people talk at your meal.

-For those who feel the need for the go around…

If you cannot stop them from talking, screen the people who are talking already. If they are talking in regular conversation, imagine how much they will talk when they have a focus group. You can weed out the crazies. You just have to observe your guests. Pick out your guests that you will allow to talk, when you go around the table. You are not embarrassing the crazies. You are actually helping them. They will be spewing stuff for a half hour and the rest of the guests will be giving mocking looks. The crazies never recognize it.

You weed them out by listening to their conversations. If they are talking about their childhood and it was not solicited, then skip them. If they are blowing their nose in the napkin and putting it back on the table, do not let them talk. If they are sharing any superfluous detail before or during the meal, for the sake of everybody else, do not give them the spotlight.

-Time the people. This is a reason to have a watch on Shabbat. At thirty seconds, move onto the next person.

-Allow people to have a normal conversation.

-Mix in some crazy guests to your normal Shabbat dinner. They will never set up people from the Kotel with a fully normal Shabbat dinner; that would negatively affect the kiruv process (the process of helping people become more religious- which some rabbis like to control). Fully normal Shabbat dinners can look too good, causing an individual who is new to the tradition to think that they might want something like that. That would disturb the rabbi’s influence, and the individual being worked on would not learn at the correct Yeshiva.

People who have money should host Shabbat dinner, not to be snobby to the point of only eating with other people who do not want free Shabbat dinners. Two ways to do this: Do not ask guests to bring anything. If your guest is bringing wine, then kick them out. If it is Selected, then OK. The other way to safeguard your guest list of poor work ethic is to invite a few people that live in Nachlaot.