Immigrant- meaning incapable
You have to be creative and reinvent yourself. If you do not speak Hebrew, English, or the language of the people who go to the malls, you can always get a job as a security guard.
Olim like to complain, ‘I can’t get a job, I am leaving.’ You are an immigrant. If you are going to leave because of your professional success, stay in America. Stay in Britain. Even stay in South Africa. My 5 year old niece, who moved here two years ago, speaks a better Hebrew than you. Go back and finish elementary school, again. Learn how to sing ‘Idiot American speaker and idiot French speaker sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g,’ in Hebrew, then we can talk about getting you a job as a waiter. You idiot! You all are expecting jobs as immigrants.
I hope I helped you with reality. It definitely helps me justify my lack of employment as an Oleh.
Your credentials are based on what you have done in the past, which relate to your immigrant abilities. College, masters degrees, PHDs, pointless.
I knew I could do security. I stopped a fight when I was in eighth grade. I was also pretty decent at that horse racing game at the amusement park, where you had to shoot the water gun. I came to Israel with credentials. Security was definitely my thing.
I was also excellent at sales. When I was in the 3rd grade, I was already selling Fireballs. Making 5 cents on the ball. It is all about moving product and I must have sold a good 12 of those a day. I realized that Jawbreakers weren’t the right seller. People like the burn. I opened up across from Yissy’s locker and went to business. Yissy was still selling Jawbreakers, and a lot of parents were very angry at him for the dental work that had to be done on our class.
I am not showing off. I had an advanced business mind. I learned important business lessons at a young age: If you want to make money, skip class. Standing on the bus makes for better sales. All oral reports should be about your product, making for good advertisement. Your number one client's parents have no idea that they are eating candy.
Business was great, till my parents got my report card. However, I learned many valuable business lessons, which to this day I do not practice. And my parents still send me money.
Jobs are hard to come by in Israel. When I say that, I mean that jobs are hard to come by in Israel. Until you accept this, you are not fully committed to staying. Once you accept that, we can move on with this lesson. Can we accept that we are not useful? Can I move on? Can you accept that you cannot afford to buy a one-bedroom apartment in the land you decided to move to? OK.
Immigrants can find jobs. The job I wanted was not there. Every job I could find had a boss.
The jobs you want are hard to get, when you don’t have a degree. I wanted to work as a Chemist, but they said no. Why? As they said, ‘Because you know nothing about chemistry.’ I was a little hurt, as I did make Aliyah and they should be giving me a job for that. And who are those professors to make the decision as to who is a chemist or not?!
I, as most Olim, came with the understanding that you get jobs in Israel because you are American.
In America I was not the smartest guy, but I spoke English. I thought that in the Middle East they would consider me smart because I have sufficiently adequate American English abilities. ‘I speak a perfect English and these people do not. I should get the job.’ They do not see it that way. They were thinking, ‘He speaks a horrendously disabled Hebrew and he is from America.’
I didn’t realize at the time, but they go to school in other countries too. Immigrants from other countries were also capable. And to my surprise, other languages are also used. The English letters I see on the search bar, can also be Spanish, French and even the language that people from the British Commonwealth speak.
That whole other immigrants knowing stuff thing, messed up the whole Oleh job pool. If they are also useful, what am I to do? In South America, a lot of the children go to school. How they do not know English, I still cannot figure that out. How they sit through classes for hours, not understanding a word?? It is crazy.
And then some of these people are called doctors. These people from Russia...apparently they knew stuff there too. Once you make the Aliyah move, the abilities of your medical degree move to pre-school level. It is all dependent on your Oleh abilities.
At my Makolet (mini-mart), the doctor works the cash register. I don’t know why they give out doctorates for knowing how to open a cash register. I know a lot of thieves that know how to open a cash register and they are not called doctors. Maybe the guy was smart in Russia, but I can understand why he is not working as a Chemist. He does not speak English. I should have gotten that job. I suffered a tough blow.
I went to UIpan. I was supposed to learn Hebrew. Ulpan didn’t help me find a job after Ulpan. That degree does not help for much. Six months in language study and they are giving me a certificate that says I almost have the abilities of a fourth grader. It is not a good idea to pull out that piece of paper at a job interview. If I would have been able to have read that piece of paper, if they would have taught me that in Ulpan, maybe I wouldn't have showed it to the human resources department.
I lost money with my new immigrants’ stipend. Ulpan took that all away. Again, Aliyah was a bad business move. That stipend was worthless. A stipend is a way to make money while you are not doing anything. It wass supposed to help me vacation, and Ulpan was not vacation. And the pre-declaration of the country Sochnut mattresses at Ulpan, did not make me feel all shantied. It was their fault that I had to get involved in illegal activity.
Every Israeli complains about the new immigrant stipend. They hear every Oleh complain, so they feel they have that right too. As when you live in a capitalistic society with socialistic benefits all you can do is complain when you do not receive the benefits you are in support of. Why don't you try moving to America because it is the land of your ancestors?
The right to complain is part of the acclimation basket. Even so, you have to be able to complain in Hebrew, to make a living at it. Otherwise, you will never get a job at the Kupat Cholim (medical provider), the falafel shop, the makolet, the Knesset, and anywhere I have ever interacted with people. If there is one thing I have learned over the years, it is that when I complain, I can sound Israeli. I can't have the normal conversations, but I can yell at a secretary like any good local. Might not be a job, but it is even more satisfying.
If you do not know what Aliyah means yet, then I have to say, this book is not for you. You can still complain to yourself though. Even when making Yeridah, you can always complain about life in Israel. That is the great thing about the initial Aliyah experience, you can complain about it the rest of your life. Even if you give up on it, because you are weak as hell.
You can always complain about not having a job.
I tried coming up with different jobs when I first moved to Israel. My credentials as a new immigrant were limited. I had the ability to be the guy who did not understand a word you say. I could have been a social worker who says ‘כן’ (yes) a lot. I knew the word ‘yes.’ With the shaking of my head, they would have walked out feeling healed. I looked around the country to see what kinds of jobs new immigrants have. I figured, I could open up a bathroom; charge a shekel. I could burn DVDs and sell them legally. I even sold the SuperYad, a bag carrier for the shuk, which turned into gifts for friends, who also didn't want them.
The one thing I had credentials for, security, they disbarred me from. Even though I was not a lawyer, my Hebrew was too good. I was able to understand when people said that they had a gun. And that stopped a lot of customers from passing by security with loaded weapons. Again, Ulpan hurt me. כן it did.
Lessons:
-Your Oleh resume should include stuff that is pertinent to what you studied in elementary school, as your Hebrew level is an example of your disabilities.
-Do not include your masters degree or doctorate in your resume. The way you sound as a New Oleh, will discredit your university.
-Do not waste your time going to business school. Any eight year old, with the right amount of their parent's money, and tax evasion, can pull in huge dollars.
-The basic premises of buy low and sell hi was how I made money off my friends. I did not move to Israel to rip people off, or join a pyramid scheme. This is the middle east that I live in now and it is my duty, as an Oleh, to get ripped off. My way of showing solidarity as a good first world immigrant.
-Ulpan does not help with acclimation.
-Complain. It makes you feel better.
-Don't make Aliyah unless you are ready to be living on the streets of Israel. Only in Israel.
-Other countries also have knowledgeable people. Not just the USA.
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