Monday, August 31, 2015

Bill #1: Ulpan Must Teach Language that is Helpful (Political Platform for Better Israel)

Problem:
The country is spending thousands of shekels on education for immigrants and Americans are still trying to speak Hebrew. Nobody wants to hear that.

Experience For Cause of Change:
I spent five months in ulpan and came out not fit for getting a job in Israel. I was Chamud (cute). Chamud means, I came out of ulpan sounding like an idiot with no dating prospects.
They didn’t even want me as a security guard. I still pronounced ‘beach,’ as ‘beach.’ I was not offensive when I used words like ‘focus.’ This is to blame for the focus on education at Ulpan Etzion. I don’t even speak English the proper Middle Eastern way. I sound like an idiot when I speak of Martin Luther King, George Washington or Abraham Lincoln. Because when the irresponsible teachers in ulpan taught us they didn’t force us to learn the correct pronunciation of Lut-her, Vashington, and Lincolone. And now I sound like this little Chamud guy who knows nothing about history, and still pronounces the ‘ch.’ Why? Because, while forcing us to learn Hebrew, they didn’t teach us that the transliteration of the ‘chet’ is not ‘chet.’

They were teaching Hebrew verbs and conjugation. That did not help anybody. I do not agree with not learning Hebrew at all. However, native Israelis would be much happier not hearing Americans trying to speak Hebrew with that American accent, turned Hebrew.  Americans trying to fit in bothers everybody.

They were teaching us Hoofal. I have been in Israel for over 11 years and I have yet to have heard an Israeli use the verb conjugation Hoofal. You can live a Hoofless existence. Not one Israeli knows what that is, except for my teacher in ulpan.
I protested. I am not a passive immigrant. Even before I knew what it was, I told them to stop teaching Hoofal.
We missed elementary school and that should be accepted. They should not make the immigrant feel like an idiot and throw us in Kitah Gimel (third grade). I had a friend in Kitah pre-Aleph. A 25 years old in nursery school. The guy was tracing the ‘aleph.’ Naptime was the only part of his acclimation that helped him; as he got used to the not talking from 2 to 4pm, because there are still old people in Israel. I am pro-old people. I also love whiskey that has aged a little. Even so, I do not believe that they should be thrown back into grammar school.
We have to reclaim our education.
Knowing Hoofal has only kept immigrants back. Grammar is holding immigrants back. Embarrassing it is: I tried ordering Sabich with proper sentence structure. It ended up coming with no eggplant. That is what happens when you enunciate.

Teach us what we need to know. That is what ulpan must do. Teach us how to not get ripped off. Teach us how to point with an unhappy, kind of angry, glance.
Teach us through song. Singing ‘Yachad’ everyday, for 20 weeks did not help me either. I still can’t harmonize to that song. If you want immigrants to acclimate, teach them to sing Bon Jovi. Israelis love 80s rock and tight jeans.
Hell. Put on Galgalatz for us, and we will be able to share the frustration with all native Israelis when they interrupt the great flow of songs every third song, with a Hebrew song.

Solutions:
-Throw the new immigrants into Afula and have them fend fend for themselves. If you can make it through Afula without overpaying on falafel and pitzuchim (nuts), while finding your way back onto the highway that somehow went through Afula, then you have acclimated a little.
If you can make it through a day in Afula and still love Israel, you are a Zionist. Those are the kinds of immigrants we want in our country.
-Hold ulpan in Bat Yam, where there is no chance you will be speaking any English. This way people will come out of ulpan being able to relate to the local folk, in Russian.
-Open School the ulpan. Teach people how to sound Israeli. Stick them at any public office for a day and have them watch the angry people.
You can do this quickly as well, by bringing them to the entrance of any public office, at the assumed normal hour of opening (as that was the hour it was open the other day, and somehow changed). Have them study how the people interact with the security guard. If they can express that kind of anger, they are speaking Modern Hebrew.
- All immigrants must not try anymore. No more ulpan. Focus on the next generation. Immigrants are a loss. The children might come out dumb, as their parents cannot understand the report cards. However, this lack of effort will make everybody happy. Make it acceptable for immigrants to speak in their native tongue. The French are also fine with this, now that there has been enough anti-Semitism in France to bring up the French Oleh population. They speak in their tongue and Suri then speaks for them in Hebrew.

Integration stops with Israeli dancing.