Problem:
The country
is spending thousands of shekels on education for immigrants and Americans are
still trying to speak Hebrew. Nobody wants to hear that.
Experience
For Cause of Change:
I spent five
months in ulpan and came out not fit for getting a job in Israel. I was Chamud
(cute). Chamud means, I came out of ulpan sounding like an idiot with no dating
prospects.
They didn’t
even want me as a security guard. I still pronounced ‘beach,’ as ‘beach.’ I was
not offensive when I used words like ‘focus.’ This is to blame for the focus on
education at Ulpan Etzion. I don’t even speak English the proper Middle Eastern
way. I sound like an idiot when I speak of Martin Luther King, George
Washington or Abraham Lincoln. Because when the irresponsible teachers in ulpan
taught us they didn’t force us to learn the correct pronunciation of Lut-her,
Vashington, and Lincolone. And now I sound like this little Chamud guy who
knows nothing about history, and still pronounces the ‘ch.’ Why? Because, while
forcing us to learn Hebrew, they didn’t teach us that the transliteration of
the ‘chet’ is not ‘chet.’
They were
teaching Hebrew verbs and conjugation. That did not help anybody. I do not
agree with not learning Hebrew at all. However, native Israelis would be much
happier not hearing Americans trying to speak Hebrew with that American accent,
turned Hebrew. Americans trying to fit
in bothers everybody.
They were
teaching us Hoofal. I have been in Israel for over 11 years and I have yet to
have heard an Israeli use the verb conjugation Hoofal. You can live a Hoofless
existence. Not one Israeli knows what that is, except for my teacher in ulpan.
I protested.
I am not a passive immigrant. Even before I knew what it was, I told them to
stop teaching Hoofal.
We missed
elementary school and that should be accepted. They should not make the
immigrant feel like an idiot and throw us in Kitah Gimel (third grade). I had a
friend in Kitah pre-Aleph. A 25 years old in nursery school. The guy was tracing
the ‘aleph.’ Naptime was the only part of his acclimation that helped him; as
he got used to the not talking from 2 to 4pm, because there are still old
people in Israel. I am pro-old people. I also love whiskey that has aged a
little. Even so, I do not believe that they should be thrown back into grammar
school.
We have to
reclaim our education.
Knowing
Hoofal has only kept immigrants back. Grammar is holding immigrants back. Embarrassing
it is: I tried ordering Sabich with proper sentence structure. It ended up
coming with no eggplant. That is what happens when you enunciate.
Teach us
what we need to know. That is what ulpan must do. Teach us how to not get
ripped off. Teach us how to point with an unhappy, kind of angry, glance.
Teach us
through song. Singing ‘Yachad’ everyday, for 20 weeks did not help me either. I
still can’t harmonize to that song. If you want immigrants to acclimate, teach
them to sing Bon Jovi. Israelis love 80s rock and tight jeans.
Hell. Put on
Galgalatz for us, and we will be able to share the frustration with all native
Israelis when they interrupt the great flow of songs every third song, with a
Hebrew song.
Solutions:
-Throw the
new immigrants into Afula and have them fend fend for themselves. If you can
make it through Afula without overpaying on falafel and pitzuchim (nuts), while
finding your way back onto the highway that somehow went through Afula, then
you have acclimated a little.
If you can
make it through a day in Afula and still love Israel, you are a Zionist. Those
are the kinds of immigrants we want in our country.
-Hold ulpan
in Bat Yam, where there is no chance you will be speaking any English. This way
people will come out of ulpan being able to relate to the local folk, in
Russian.
-Open School
the ulpan. Teach people how to sound Israeli. Stick them at any public office for
a day and have them watch the angry people.
You can do
this quickly as well, by bringing them to the entrance of any public office, at
the assumed normal hour of opening (as that was the hour it was open the other
day, and somehow changed). Have them study how the people interact with the
security guard. If they can express that kind of anger, they are speaking Modern
Hebrew.
- All immigrants
must not try anymore. No more ulpan. Focus on the next generation. Immigrants
are a loss. The children might come out dumb, as their parents cannot
understand the report cards. However, this lack of effort will make everybody
happy. Make it acceptable for immigrants to speak in their native tongue. The
French are also fine with this, now that there has been enough anti-Semitism in
France to bring up the French Oleh population. They speak in their tongue and Suri
then speaks for them in Hebrew.
Integration
stops with Israeli dancing.