Praising the Land of Israel- Published in Jewlarious

http://www.aish.com/j/f/Praising-the-Land-of-Israel.html
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Praising the Land of Israel

In honor of Tu B’Shevat, singing the praises of the Holy Land.

by David Kilimnick

by David Kilimnick

Tu B’Shevat, otherwise known as Rosh Hashana for the trees, is a holiday that emphasizes our connection with the land. And what better land to emphasize than the Holy Land?

Many have adopted the Kabbalistic tradition of celebrating Tu BShvat with a Seder, so allow me to enrich your Tu B’shvat seder by presenting you with some praises of Israel: the food, the inventions, the people, and I even threw in some questions for the holiday so you can engage the children. It’s all about the children.

Israel found a way to put something in hot water for 25 hours that will not become soggy – theShkeidei Maraksoup nut.

Land of Brilliant Inventions

All people fight the boycotts of Israel by mentioning Intel. That doesn’t stop the anti-Semites. You have to hit them where it hurts. Israel invented Shkeidei Marak (soup nuts). Israel found a way to put something in hot water for 25 hours that will not become soggy. Let it be known, ‘Boycott Israel and do not enjoy your soup.’

While enjoying your vegetable soup, with some fruit, this Tu B’Shevat, add in some soup nuts, enjoy yourself and put on some weight even while going vegetarian.

Land of Happiness Brought to You By The Na Nachs

In other countries, you cannot get out of your car in the middle of the road and start dancing. Here in Israel, it seems to be encouraged.

There is no greater form of happiness other than that shown by the official Israeli jump dance. The Israeli Jump Dance, hopping on one foot and then the other with no sense of embarrassment, may be seen at weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, protests, and by Na Nachs everywhere.

To understand what Na Nachs are, just think Hasiddim but really happy. Like, happier than is allowable by law.

Land of The Bible

Here, you can feel the connection to history. I even had the chance to visit the Biblical Zoo the other day, where I was able to see all the Biblical animals, such as penguins. There were also Biblical kangaroos.

History is all around us. All looks ancient in Israel. My landlord hasn’t redone my apartment in 60 years.

In Jerusalem, I ran into somebody who told me he was Joshua of the Bible. I ended up giving him a 5 shekel coin. He seemed quite surprised. Needless to say, I wasn’t impressed with his prophetic abilities. As I told him, ‘You should have seen it coming.” I myself am not a prophet. Even so, I can foresee that if you do not have a job, you are not going to make money.

Land of Sportsmanship

We have a beautiful sport called Matkot, played only in Israel, with two rackets and no net, and no winner. The objective of the game, as I learned while not participating, is to take a little ball and to hit people who are taking a leisurely walk down the beach.

Israel Celebrates Nature

We have a whole holiday to celebrate dried fruit. Most people throw out their fruit once it withers. We make it festive. At the time that fruit goes bad, we give it that extra few days. That is when we eat it. How about that PETA?

People Care- Not Just A Country

I have been set up by women who didn’t even know me. I do not know how they knew I was single. It might have been the smile on my face. Most recently, a matchmaker who set me up on a date didn’t even see my face. We were standing in line at a cash machine. She saw my balance and knew I was good for her niece. I said I didn’t want to go on a date with a stranger. And as any good Jewish mother, she told me that I needed to, as I am old and extremely desperate, and I wasn’t going to do any better with my credit rating.

When I got my new car, from 2002, people weren’t just telling me to enjoy it. They said ‘Titchadesh’- ‘Make it new.’ Commanding people to enjoy something they just got. Where else do people care that much about other people’s enjoyment and intrude on their feelings?

Heart and Faith

Ethics of the Fathers teaches that a tree that has strong roots will not blow over. The people of Israel keep our positive attitude, due to our strong roots.

We do not let terror affect us. I heard about an attack when I was at a restaurant. The restaurant was packed. In the face of terror, we go out. Fighting terror? How? Eat shwarma. That is how we do it. Israelis do not give into terror. We are strong. When it comes to fighting back, we go out and eat.

Most of the world is ridding oil from their diet. We have made grease the main recipe.

Then you see soldiers praying in the army, with tefillin on, in the middle of war. So much faith. On a related but different note, what other army has 90% of their soldiers smoking in a combat unit? As I said, a lot of faith.

Crossing of streets? People don’t even look. Complete faith. The youth even walk across the streets on their cellphones, texting. God leads people in the land of Israel.

18 Reasons for Making Aliyah- Published in Jewlarious

http://www.aish.com/j/f/18-Reasons-for-Making-Aliyah.html
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18 Reasons for Making Aliyah

Reason number 7: Kosher Burger King!

by David Kilimncik

The 2015 numbers are in from the Jewish Agency and apparently over 30,000 Jews made Aliyah (immigrated to Israel) in 2015. That’s a ten percent increase over 2014 and the highest level since 2003. Way to go Israel! I’m always up for breaking records so I think we should make 2016 even better than 2015. I’m doing my part by making this list of 18 reasons why you should make Aliyah:

1. Move Somewhere Warm

I was from Rochester, New York. I love Rochester, but it is cold, and older American Jews move someplace warmer and change their name to Bernie. I figured, I could move to Jerusalem and live with Americans, or I could move down to South Florida and live with Israelis. I chose Jerusalem

At around 60 or so, my name will also be Bernie.

2. You Don’t have to Work

This beautiful country gives you money to make Aliyah. With some additional money from Nefesh B’Nefesh that can get you through a year or two in Israel. Enjoy that vacation. You deserve it. You moved.

After receiving some graduate degrees in America, I realized that people had expectations. As an immigrant, nobody has any expectations of me. My Hebrew is on par with my three year old Israeli niece.

I am an immigrant. That is an accomplishment right there.

3. Fear & Anti-Semitism

Rochester’s company, Kodak, hadn’t been doing well and I wanted to get out of there before they started blaming it on the Jews.

Many people from non-North American countries move to Israel because of fear. Does that mean that we are indebted to the anti-Semites of the world, who have helped more Jews in the Aliyah process than all of the Jewish Agencies and Nefesh BNefeshes combined?

4. The Need to sell Dead Sea Products to Americans

Hand creams can only be sold illegally in malls by non-American citizens.

5. Love of Jewish People

If you truly love Jewish people and want to complain about them, Israel is the best place to be.

6. Don’t Hide your Judaism

People don’t hate you for being Jewish in Israel. They hate you for being annoying.

You can wear a yarmulke on the highway. You do not have to wear a baseball hat. They already know that you are Jewish. You can’t hide it. And to those who wear the hat in America, they know you are Jewish too. Wearing a suit and a baseball hat kind of gives it away. Showing up to the movie opening up a can with a baseball hat on, smuggling in all those snacks – they know.

In Israel, the only people wearing baseball hats are the tourists from China.

7. Kosher Burger King

The first time I saw the sign I was in awe. ‘Whopper’ written in Hebrew. Hamburgers ready before I ordered them. I felt something special that day. I believe it was a prophetic calling telling me that the days of the Messiah are upon us.

8. You Hate your Family

That is why I respect the old Olim (immigrants to Israel) from the first modern Aliyah back in the 1800s. They took boats, they walked through barren wilderness, they never wanted to see their families again.

I am not suggesting that this is the best reason for Aliyah. But you will see them a lot less. That’s just a fact. For many, that’s a big plus.

9. You Feel that Silent Letters in English should be Pronounced

Make the move to Israel and pronounce the ‘i’ in Lincoln, the ‘k’ in know, and the ‘t’ in listen.

10. Land of our Ancestors

After I moved, my mom showed me our family tree. Perhaps, I should have moved to Brooklyn.

11. Torah

You care about being a Jew and practicing your religion. What, am I crazy for suggesting that as a reason?

12. You Love Jewish Holidays

Everything is a holiday in Israel. You have Yom HaAtzmaut, Yom Yerushalayim, Yom Revi’I (I want to thank my friend Matt for that Hebrew joke). I will translate it: You have Independence Day, Jerusalem Day, Wednesday. Maybe that sounds funnier in Hebrew. I know the English there does not work. If you do not understand the Hebrew, think of it translated into Hebrew and you might enjoy the process of not understanding it in another language. Point is, holidays are celebrated all the time. For whatever reason, nobody is working on Wednesday. Banks are closed at weird hours. Maybe they feel it is the Jewish Homeland, and nobody should have to work at home.

13. You want to Find the Tree that the Jewish National Fund Planted for you

The Jewish National Fund took money from me every Tu BShvat holiday, from the time I was in kindergarten and I never saw the tree with my name on it. I am on a mission to find it.

14. Love of Subtitles in Movies

In Israel, all movies are viewed with subtitles. Even better, after reading a movie you rarely hear conceited people say, ‘The book was better than the movie.’

15. You Have to Move out of your Parent’s House

The final realization that I had to move to Israel took place in my parents’ home at 3am. I was watching TV. My dad came down and asked, ‘David- why are you watching TV? It’s 3am?’ My immediate response was, ‘Because I can. I am 25 years old.’ I knew that it was 3am, because it was 3am. If I wanted to eat hamburgers at 3am, I had that right. So I made Aliyah. Burger King is kosher and I wanted to eat Whoopers at 3am.

16. Felonies

This is probably the number one reason to move away from your place of birth. If you got caught, running is the best option.

If making Aliyah for a felony or any kind of avoidance of payment, be sure you never have to visit again. Be sure to take all you will need for the next 40 years in your two bags the airlines allow for international flights. If you like Entenmann’s doughnuts, take as many boxes as you can. Maybe prepare a lift for yourself of doughnut holes. Do not set yourself up for any trips back to your native land for a hankering.

17. You like Shopping in an Aggressive Atmosphere

Nothing can take the place of somebody yelling the price at you. The only thing that can rival the passion of the souk salesman is a price tag. And even that, you do not see all the time.

18. Jewish Homeland

In Israel, love is expressed through reprimanding. For the feeling of intimacy, you need the right people yelling at you. I cannot express the gratitude I have for all the random Israeli strangers who have yelled at me, for reasons I do not know. I have not felt that kind of warmth since I stopped living in my parents’ house.

Style Ends With Aliyah

Style Ends With Aliyah: You can tell the year that someone moved to Israel by the clothes that they wear. Here’s how. (Published @ Jewlarious)

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Style Ends With Aliyah

by David Kilimnick

# You can tell the year that someone moved to Israel by the clothes
that they wear.

You can tell the year that
someone moved to Israel (Aliyah) by the clothes they wear.

You make Aliyah and your wardrobe
is set for the rest of your life. Style stops when you are not willing to pay
more than 35 American Dollars for a new pair of pants that you have to iron. They
might sell it in Israel, but I do not buy anything when I can get it cheaper in
America. That is my motto, and I have held onto it since I moved to Israel thirteen
years ago. I have not purchased anything inedible in Israel, since my Aliyah. A
few times, I even surprised myself by buying dinner.

Us American Olim have a warped
sense of this American style we hold so dear. And that style is at a permanent
place in time, from the eternal day that we made Aliyah. The day where America
was perfect and people had personalities. A time when Marshalls and Kohl's were
a place I could be proud to shop at. A time when one could be proud to flash
that 20% off coupon. A time when all stores gave that lifetime guarantee. Ah…

OK, here are my Ways to Tell the
Time Period of the Immigration:

Immigrant by Clothes

Walk the streets in Israel and
use my cheat sheet below to ascertain their exact year of Aliyah:

Polo symbol on shirt- 1985

Tommy Hilfiger- 1996

Girbaud sign on jeans- 1993

Shoulder pads - any year in the
1980s

ACDC shirt- 1979

iPod shuffle on sleeve- 2008

bell-bottoms- 1971 or 2006

corduroy - hand-me-downs from any
decade

Jean skirt - any girl who is
still in seminary

Members Only jacket - 1987

Non-ironed shirt with fraying
collar – 2003

Anything you put on an iron- pre-1998

Anything brought to a cleaners,
to make sure it is spick and span –trick question as this person still lives in
America

Immigrant Suit

The Aliyah truth is most evident
with suits. People may travel back for shirts and pants, but never does one buy
a new suit in Israel. Israel is a once a year suit society. You do not need
another suit, unless you are getting married twice that year. For the once a
year when it’s required, I am fine wearing my bar-mitzvah suit. I have had a
growth spurt since, but I am fine with my socks showing.

For a fun activity, sit outside
of any synagogue on a Friday night and you can tell. The guy walking with a
double breasted suit, he made Aliyah in the 1980s. Three piece suit - anybody
who thinks they are important or from Europe, or perhaps a hand-me down. No
suit jacket- an immigrant who thinks he is Israeli; meaning, just moved to
Israel within the past two years.

Immigrant Hair

Aliyah is a vortex of style. You
leave America and you do not realize that there have been changes. Some people
never saw Cheers, never heard of Simon & Garfunkel. Some youth never used
mousse in their hair.

When it comes to hair, people
think that the way they left America is the way ‘cool’ is. I know people who
still think it is the ‘in thing’ to have a step.

OK, here’s my Aliyah hair cheat
sheet:

Step in your hair- class of ’89 or
any fan of Bell Biv DeVoe

Girls walking around with a poof
in the front of the hair - 1983-88, or girl in seminary wearing a jean skirt.

Bangs- 1960s, a girl from the
'80s or a Beatles fan.

Top hat - 1920s or magician

Baseball hat- Jew who moved from
America who still thinks non-Jews are judging him in Israel

Goatee- single guy, or rabbi from
the 1960s

Comb over- Aliyah from any
generation, with no pride.

New Clothes of Old Immigrant

Those of us who made Aliyah many
years ago may still buy new clothes. It is a rare occasion that will only occur
on Entenmann’s purchase trips back to the US. However, we are committed to our
past. The clothes that we are buying are the ones that don’t have the hangers
anymore. The new clothes of the Oleh are the ones that have 6 red tags, for
each time they have been returned. The kind of clothes that I have gotten money
from the store for purchasing.

When I go back to America now, I
still ask for checkered shirts. I made Aliyah in 2003 and checkered shirts were
cool then, in the Latino communities. I even wear it with the bottom buttons
unbuttoned and the undershirt showing, with a bandanna. I have a friend who made
Aliyah in 1985 and he still goes to the Benetton, looking for jean jackets.

New Fashion Trends

I am not a fan of the new
“stylish” clothes that stick to you. That is what the kids are wearing
nowadays. That statement means I am coming up on forty. Skinny pants are in and
my nephews look wrong. I guess this means that my Aliyah pants are beginning to
look stylish, as I have put on 30 pounds the past 10 years.

We may give up clothes that fit,
but we do not need to give up our souls! That is how you know who is committed
to staying in the Holy Land:  if you see
somebody wearing clothes from a different century, that do not fit right, you
know, that that guy’s not going anywhere.

Bill #3: Must Allow New Immigrants to Ease into Israel (Political Platform for Better Israel)

Problem:

Most young immigrants are taught about Israel on Birthright or some other trip that other people are paying for.

Immigrants think everybody is going to be nice and happy, then they move and find out there are neighbors in Israel, as well. Too many people move away, because we have not eased them into the Middle Eastern way of life. It takes time for people to understand the true beauty of Israel. The 200% off sale, where you still have to pay for the item, does not make sense until one is a veteran of The Land.

Experience for Cause of Change:

I noticed this excited young group of tourists. Birthright showed them how great Israel can be, when you are on tour. They were all taking in the full experience of waking up, like Israelis, in a hotel with a buffet breakfast. They stayed in tents, experienced the exact way Bedouins live. They became one with the same wilderness the Bedouins visit, to help tourists feel like there are Bedouins there. Everybody they met in the Middle East smiled at them. Even the Bedouins gave them a happy glance and then went back to their house in Arad. 

They witnessed the beauties of the Israeli gift shops and then tipped their tour guides and bus drivers, happily. Their happy tour guides and bus drivers who already got their 10% kickback, from the 200% off sale at the Masada gift shop. It was all beautiful and normal. They were eager to wake up at 3am to go to Masada, because that is what Israelis do, everyday. At sunrise, 200% off made sense for these tourists. These young tourists connected with the real way of life in Israel, like it was 2,000 years ago.

They were ready to make Aliyah, and they did. 'If the people of Israel can rough it out in a hotel, paid for by Schotennstein, we can too,' was the motto chanted on the bus to Masada.

Five months later, I ran into these same young excited tourists at their absorption center Ulpan (language study). They asked me why the 10am dinner was chocolate spread. They were surprised to find out that supper was a Baraka. They had no idea that they were supposed to fill up at lunch. Nobody coached them. They were thrown into a whirlwind of eating times, and didn't even know what the need for a 10am dinner was, after an 8:30am breakfast.

Three months later, when they realized Nefesh BNefesh was not going to provide lunch anymore, they left. They were not ready. They were not eased in. Nobody explained to them why a four course lunch is followed by a supper of some sort of soft filo dough.

It takes four years before somebody is committed. It takes eight years before people realize that they cannot go back to their native land, as they have forgone all their professional aspirations.

SOLUTION:

Acclimation plan for a keeping Olim from moving

-Israelis must share the sidewalk with the Oleh until 4 months in. At that point, you can walk straight on the sidewalk, not moving aside for other people who might also walk on sidewalks.

-Celebrating Yom HaAtzmaut? Shaving cream cannot be sprayed on somebody until their third Yom HaAtzmaut in Israel. It is only at that point that an immigrant has given up on looking decent, and is willing to take the can and whack a child with a spray can. It is about breaking them in slowly. First Yom HaAtzmaut, immigrants are only to do Israeli dancing to the traditional Israeli Latin songs.

-The sochnut (Jewish Agency) 2 inch mattress, which accentuate the metal grids frame, can only be used in the absorption center 5 months in. Have it be the last lesson in Ulpan, about survival. Many of my friends left after not getting a decent night's sleep. It is an absorption center, not a detention camp. The sochnut got stuck in the Atlit idea of immigration. At least there, they had wooden frames. 

-Cutting off a driver can only start a year into the person's Aliyah. If you see somebody using a blinker and not jumping into your lane without looking, take it easy on them. They are probably new to the country. They have probably not seen the 'half maybe I might make a left hand turn- stop in the middle of the intersection- turn.' They are also not used to being beeped at a red light, because it might turn green.

-You cannot serve tap water to an immigrant until one and a half years into their move. Let them have their first run in with shishul, and then show them what the inside of the kumkum (plastic kettle) looks like.

Cabs are not allowed to beep a person while walking, until they are 2 years in. This will be hard on cab drivers, as it is a reflex for them to beep all walkers. 

-Israeli salesmen of Dead Sea products are not allowed to approach an immigrant until 3 years in. It is too close to their Aliyah. They might become nostalgic and want to move back to go shopping at an America mall. It is also only at that point, of 3 years, that the non-native Israeli can sense when somebody is trying to take advantage of them. Before that point, they still think that the Middle Eastern salesmen are really their ‘friend.’ Hence the constant relationship of purchase from the guy who is calling you ‘my friends.’

-4 years before Vaad Bayit (building committee monies) is collected. The explanation of where those funds are going to is too complicated for anybody who cannot explain Mrs. Barzilay’s (my neighbor) new car. 

-Nesher cab ride to Jerusalem can only take people who have been in Israel for at least 5 years. That driver right there is a reason for anybody to want to leave the country. When a group cab takes five hours to get you back to your home from the airport, after the driver yells at you for having bags...

-Olim get everything for free until 6 years in. It is only at that point that they are committed enough to Israel to not be supported. As we have learned from Birthright and Masa, nobody should have to pay for anything they do that is connected to the being Jewish. Lets get the country involved. We have to make the Absorption Basket bigger.

Serious injury must be taken care of by private doctors until 8 years in. At that point, you can have them join the socialized health care system. People need this time to accept the doctor can care less about the broken arm, which he made chronic, by the lack of treatment received, because he works for the medical fund.  I got better treatment in 20 minutes at synagogue, back in Rochester, then seven months in Israel.

If this bill does not pass, make it mandatory for immigrants to learn about the in-gathering of the exiles and how being in a new country means you may not understand what is going on.

Bill #2: Movie Subtitles Must Slow Down (political platform for better Israel)

Problem:

Those words move to fast, and I was not a good student.

This may not be important to the selfishly educated. But there is a whole population of unilingual out there, who need this.

Experience for Cause of Change:

I paid for a movie and I had no idea what was going on.

I am at the movie because I am not smart enough to read the book. If I was a speed reader, I would have imagined the movie in thirty minutes, with the book. However, I am not even smart enough to choose to watch a movie in a language I understand.

I want to relax. I am at the movie, running my finger over the screen, to try to catch the words in their correct line. I had to stop that, as it was blocking my view.

I thought subtitles would stop people from saying, ‘The book was better than the movie.’ However, you cannot satisfy those people anyways. Even after going to the movies and reading them, they are still pretentiousizing that the ‘book is better…’ They are pompous, and they do not understand how cinema expresses the true message of the author. Take ‘Shrek,’ the movie expressed the author’s message. I read the book, and the pictures were not quite as vivid as in the movie.

It also took an extra week to get through the book. They never mention that. ‘The book was so much better. I needed to take off a season from my job.’ Some people, who do not read, have professions. Truth be told, it took me a week to get through the last Hebrew movie I watched at my house; as I kept on pausing it, to catch up on the subtitles.

Dubbing is not an option. I have seen what they do in South America. They take every English movie and have the Mexicans do their thing to it. Every actor ends up sounding like Cheech. Meryl Streep is out there saying ‘Hola Bendechos.’ I would rather miss half the movie to my slow reading.

I wouldn’t want to hear dubbing by Israelis either. However, it would be entertaining to put together a remake of ‘Grease,’ with arsim (Israeli punks). They already have the tight jeans and grease, and they still go to discos. Even better, to remake ‘The Outsiders’ with arsim and Ashkenazik Jewish teenagers. The fight scene takes place on Ben Yehuda. Brilliant idea for a film. I just copyrighted that. It is too good.  

People want to enjoy the film, and we as the country must provide for that experience for all. A country where all can enjoy the movies. This is why new laws have been passed, which have stopped the ‘hafsaka’  (break in the middle of the movie, where they turned off the screen and the film kept on rolling). A law I have already presented, still trying to be passed, is the ‘no standing in the row in front of me’ bill. The standing has made for many a confusing experience for many 3D aficionados.

 Solution:

-Play the subtitles slower than the talking. Many of foreign films from the 1980s are not synced with the sound anyways.

-Only show movies in English. Israelis are already used to reading subtitles for Hebrew shows, in Hebrew. They like reading a lot. I am assuming it is an educational law in the country to put subtitles on everything.

-Slow down the movies. Give an extra three seconds of black screen, with subtitles, so that all of us can catch up. No reason for everybody to be in a rush. People want to be there. This isn’t synagogue (Beit Knesset, for those who would need subtitles, who I care about), there is no reason for the Chazan (cantor, to give an English word which is more complicated than Hebrew) to speed up .

-Headphones that play the film in your language. Kind of like the headphone parties, where you share the experience with none of the other 500 people with headphones. This would also stop me from having to slap teenagers, who pay 35nis to talk in a cushioned seat.

Indiscriminate slapping of teenagers is another bill, for a happier society for all.

-Actors must talk slower. If the movie is not in English, the actors must slow down. All lines must be delivered as if talking to a tourist, in the native tongue of the land the tourist is visiting.

Bill #1: Ulpan Must Teach Language that is Helpful (Political Platform for Better Israel)

Problem:

The country is spending thousands of shekels on education for immigrants and Americans are still trying to speak Hebrew. Nobody wants to hear that.

Experience For Cause of Change:

I spent five months in ulpan and came out not fit for getting a job in Israel. I was Chamud (cute). Chamud means, I came out of ulpan sounding like an idiot with no dating prospects.

They didn’t even want me as a security guard. I still pronounced ‘beach,’ as ‘beach.’ I was not offensive when I used words like ‘focus.’ This is to blame for the focus on education at Ulpan Etzion. I don’t even speak English the proper Middle Eastern way. I sound like an idiot when I speak of Martin Luther King, George Washington or Abraham Lincoln. Because when the irresponsible teachers in ulpan taught us they didn’t force us to learn the correct pronunciation of Lut-her, Vashington, and Lincolone. And now I sound like this little Chamud guy who knows nothing about history, and still pronounces the ‘ch.’ Why? Because, while forcing us to learn Hebrew, they didn’t teach us that the transliteration of the ‘chet’ is not ‘chet.’

They were teaching Hebrew verbs and conjugation. That did not help anybody. I do not agree with not learning Hebrew at all. However, native Israelis would be much happier not hearing Americans trying to speak Hebrew with that American accent, turned Hebrew.  Americans trying to fit in bothers everybody.

They were teaching us Hoofal. I have been in Israel for over 11 years and I have yet to have heard an Israeli use the verb conjugation Hoofal. You can live a Hoofless existence. Not one Israeli knows what that is, except for my teacher in ulpan.

I protested. I am not a passive immigrant. Even before I knew what it was, I told them to stop teaching Hoofal.

We missed elementary school and that should be accepted. They should not make the immigrant feel like an idiot and throw us in Kitah Gimel (third grade). I had a friend in Kitah pre-Aleph. A 25 years old in nursery school. The guy was tracing the ‘aleph.’ Naptime was the only part of his acclimation that helped him; as he got used to the not talking from 2 to 4pm, because there are still old people in Israel. I am pro-old people. I also love whiskey that has aged a little. Even so, I do not believe that they should be thrown back into grammar school.

We have to reclaim our education.

Knowing Hoofal has only kept immigrants back. Grammar is holding immigrants back. Embarrassing it is: I tried ordering Sabich with proper sentence structure. It ended up coming with no eggplant. That is what happens when you enunciate.

Teach us what we need to know. That is what ulpan must do. Teach us how to not get ripped off. Teach us how to point with an unhappy, kind of angry, glance.

Teach us through song. Singing ‘Yachad’ everyday, for 20 weeks did not help me either. I still can’t harmonize to that song. If you want immigrants to acclimate, teach them to sing Bon Jovi. Israelis love 80s rock and tight jeans.

Hell. Put on Galgalatz for us, and we will be able to share the frustration with all native Israelis when they interrupt the great flow of songs every third song, with a Hebrew song.

Solutions:

-Throw the new immigrants into Afula and have them fend fend for themselves. If you can make it through Afula without overpaying on falafel and pitzuchim (nuts), while finding your way back onto the highway that somehow went through Afula, then you have acclimated a little.

If you can make it through a day in Afula and still love Israel, you are a Zionist. Those are the kinds of immigrants we want in our country.

-Hold ulpan in Bat Yam, where there is no chance you will be speaking any English. This way people will come out of ulpan being able to relate to the local folk, in Russian.

-Open School the ulpan. Teach people how to sound Israeli. Stick them at any public office for a day and have them watch the angry people.

You can do this quickly as well, by bringing them to the entrance of any public office, at the assumed normal hour of opening (as that was the hour it was open the other day, and somehow changed). Have them study how the people interact with the security guard. If they can express that kind of anger, they are speaking Modern Hebrew.

- All immigrants must not try anymore. No more ulpan. Focus on the next generation. Immigrants are a loss. The children might come out dumb, as their parents cannot understand the report cards. However, this lack of effort will make everybody happy. Make it acceptable for immigrants to speak in their native tongue. The French are also fine with this, now that there has been enough anti-Semitism in France to bring up the French Oleh population. They speak in their tongue and Suri then speaks for them in Hebrew.

Integration stops with Israeli dancing. 

JOBS: Job Credentials for the Immigrant

Immigrant- meaning incapable

You have to be creative and reinvent yourself. If you do not speak Hebrew, English, or the language of the people who go to the malls, you can always get a job as a security guard.

Olim like to complain, ‘I can’t get a job, I am leaving.’ You are an immigrant. If you are going to leave because of your professional success, stay in America. Stay in Britain. Even stay in South Africa. My 5 year old niece, who moved here two years ago, speaks a better Hebrew than you. Go back and finish elementary school, again. Learn how to sing ‘Idiot American speaker and idiot French speaker sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g,’ in Hebrew, then we can talk about getting you a job as a waiter. You idiot! You all are expecting jobs as immigrants. 

I hope I helped you with reality. It definitely helps me justify my lack of employment as an Oleh. 

Your credentials are based on what you have done in the past, which relate to your immigrant abilities. College, masters degrees, PHDs, pointless.

I knew I could do security. I stopped a fight when I was in eighth grade. I was also pretty decent at that horse racing game at the amusement park, where you had to shoot the water gun. I came to Israel with credentials. Security was definitely my thing.

I was also excellent at sales. When I was in the 3^rd grade, I was already selling Fireballs. Making 5 cents on the ball. It is all about moving product and I must have sold a good 12 of those a day. I realized that Jawbreakers weren’t the right seller. People like the burn. I opened up across from Yissy’s locker and went to business. Yissy was still selling Jawbreakers, and a lot of parents were very angry at him for the dental work that had to be done on our class. 

I am not showing off. I had an advanced business mind. I learned important business lessons at a young age: If you want to make money, skip class. Standing on the bus makes for better sales. All oral reports should be about your product, making for good advertisement. Your number one client's parents have no idea that they are eating candy. 

Business was great, till my parents got my report card. However, I learned many valuable business lessons, which to this day I do not practice. And my parents still send me money.

Jobs are hard to come by in Israel. When I say that, I mean that jobs are hard to come by in Israel. Until you accept this, you are not fully committed to staying. Once you accept that, we can move on with this lesson. Can we accept that we are not useful? Can I move on? Can you accept that you cannot afford to buy a one-bedroom apartment in the land you decided to move to? OK.

Immigrants can find jobs. The job I wanted was not there. Every job I could find had a boss.  

The jobs you want are hard to get, when you don’t have a degree. I wanted to work as a Chemist, but they said no. Why? As they said, ‘Because you know nothing about chemistry.’ I was a little hurt, as I did make Aliyah and they should be giving me a job for that. And who are those professors to make the decision as to who is a chemist or not?!

I, as most Olim, came with the understanding that you get jobs in Israel because you are American. 

In America I was not the smartest guy, but I spoke English. I thought that in the Middle East they would consider me smart because I have sufficiently adequate American English abilities. ‘I speak a perfect English and these people do not. I should get the job.’ They do not see it that way. They were thinking, ‘He speaks a horrendously disabled Hebrew and he is from America.’ 

I didn’t realize at the time, but they go to school in other countries too. Immigrants from other countries were also capable. And to my surprise, other languages are also used. The English letters I see on the search bar, can also be Spanish, French and even the language that people from the British Commonwealth speak.

That whole other immigrants knowing stuff thing, messed up the whole Oleh job pool. If they are also useful, what am I to do? In South America, a lot of the children go to school. How they do not know English, I still cannot figure that out. How they sit through classes for hours, not understanding a word?? It is crazy. 

And then some of these people are called doctors. These people from Russia...apparently they knew stuff there too. Once you make the Aliyah move, the abilities of your medical degree move to pre-school level. It is all dependent on your Oleh abilities. 

At my Makolet (mini-mart), the doctor works the cash register. I don’t know why they give out doctorates for knowing how to open a cash register. I know a lot of thieves that know how to open a cash register and they are not called doctors. Maybe the guy was smart in Russia, but I can understand why he is not working as a Chemist. He does not speak English. I should have gotten that job. I suffered a tough blow.

I went to UIpan. I was supposed to learn Hebrew. Ulpan didn’t help me find a job after Ulpan. That degree does not help for much. Six months in language study and they are giving me a certificate that says I almost have the abilities of a fourth grader. It is not a good idea to pull out that piece of paper at a job interview. If I would have been able to have read that piece of paper, if they would have taught me that in Ulpan, maybe I wouldn't have showed it to the human resources department. 

I lost money with my new immigrants’ stipend. Ulpan took that all away. Again, Aliyah was a bad business move. That stipend was worthless. A stipend is a way to make money while you are not doing anything. It wass supposed to help me vacation, and Ulpan was not vacation. And the pre-declaration of the country Sochnut mattresses at Ulpan, did not make me feel all shantied. It was their fault that I had to get involved in illegal activity. 

Every Israeli complains about the new immigrant stipend. They hear every Oleh complain, so they feel they have that right too. As when you live in a capitalistic society with socialistic benefits all you can do is complain when you do not receive the benefits you are in support of. Why don't you try moving to America because it is the land of your ancestors?

The right to complain is part of the acclimation basket. Even so, you have to be able to complain in Hebrew, to make a living at it. Otherwise, you will never get a job at the Kupat Cholim (medical provider), the falafel shop, the makolet, the Knesset, and anywhere I have ever interacted with people. If there is one thing I have learned over the years, it is that when I complain, I can sound Israeli. I can't have the normal conversations, but I can yell at a secretary like any good local. Might not be a job, but it is even more satisfying.

If you do not know what Aliyah means yet, then I have to say, this book is not for you. You can still complain to yourself though. Even when making Yeridah, you can always complain about life in Israel. That is the great thing about the initial Aliyah experience, you can complain about it the rest of your life. Even if you give up on it, because you are weak as hell. 

You can always complain about not having a job.

I tried coming up with different jobs when I first moved to Israel. My credentials as a new immigrant were limited. I had the ability to be the guy who did not understand a word you say. I could have been a social worker who says ‘כן’ (yes) a lot. I knew the word ‘yes.’ With the shaking of my head, they would have walked out feeling healed. I looked around the country to see what kinds of jobs new immigrants have. I figured, I could open up a bathroom; charge a shekel. I could burn DVDs and sell them legally. I even sold the SuperYad, a bag carrier for the shuk, which turned into gifts for friends, who also didn't want them.

The one thing I had credentials for, security, they disbarred me from. Even though I was not a lawyer, my Hebrew was too good. I was able to understand when people said that they had a gun. And that stopped a lot of customers from passing by security with loaded weapons. Again, Ulpan hurt me. כן it did.

 

Lessons:

-Your Oleh resume should include stuff that is pertinent to what you studied in elementary school, as your Hebrew level is an example of your disabilities.

-Do not include your masters degree or doctorate in your resume. The way you sound as a New Oleh, will discredit your university.

-Do not waste your time going to business school. Any eight year old, with the right amount of their parent's money, and tax evasion, can pull in huge dollars. 

-The basic premises of buy low and sell hi was how I made money off my friends. I did not move to Israel to rip people off, or join a pyramid scheme. This is the middle east that I live in now and it is my duty, as an Oleh, to get ripped off. My way of showing solidarity as a good first world immigrant.

-Ulpan does not help with acclimation.

-Complain. It makes you feel better.

-Don't make Aliyah unless you are ready to be living on the streets of Israel. Only in Israel.

-Other countries also have knowledgeable people. Not just the USA.